As I sit here fighting this demon at three o’clock in the morning, I am totally ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I have done to my life and the affect it has upon my child.
I cannot recall one minute of my past existence that can compare to the disaster which I now am living.
I am lost. I am broken. I am repairable and I know which path I should be walking on, but I cannot repair myself.
Deep down inside I am struggling with a very dark entity and I am riddled with guilt, shame, weakness and dangerous emotions.
I know I am mentally stronger than most people. I know that all things must pass
I know I will never take the cowards way out of this sorrow.
I know that I am truly loved by many, many beautiful souls, for it is their love and friendship that fuels my fighter and logical self.
BUT …… I must confess that I am weak – I am so very tired.
I fear I have not the psychological nor physical strength left in me to go on.
But, yet I must for only a coward would take the easy way out.
Only a coward would be so selfish enough to inflict such sorrow on those that allow him to call them “friend”.
I am not a coward by any means.
I am so very tired.
I pray constantly to my God that she may Bless upon me yet again her guidance, her LOVE and allow me to get back onto a better highway of life.
I pray that soon I will be able to hold my head high without this shame. That I shall become a man who laughs and absorbs life’s beautiful moments once again.
I ask for forgiveness daily – both from my God and my friends.
The shame I am carrying cannot be any worse than it is at this time.
I have lost a huge portion of my “manhood” – I have stood by and watched it slowly swirl down the toilet.
I ASK ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS TO HELP ME GET PAST THIS HORRIBLE BATTLE.
I ask that you do not feel my shame and that no matter what, that you continue to allow me to bath in your love and friendship.
I am usually very strong and fight my demons efficiently, but I have little strength left to battle them again.
If I lose my place to live and scar my child’s life I honestly do not know if I will be able to face the broken man in my mirror.
I used to be a contender – now I am a broken soul who has no solution to his problems.
For the first time in my hard life I must confess that this old Lighthouse is afraid – I cry all night, every night. I’m scared beyond my control and with that fright comes a shame so strong.
I do not know if I shall ever be able to hold my head high again. I do not know if I will ever be able to deserve the real love you all have for me.
Personally I do not feel I deserve such an honour.
I love ALL of you beyond compare
I am broken and I apologize to all of you for the shame and sorrow I have brought into our friendship.
Here is a link to my “gofundme” campaign. I feel so embarrassed.
Forgive me please.