Today has to be one of the hardest ones I have had to endure since the surgeries and the terrible news regarding my heart.
It’s sad the Life I am existing.
I was hoping to see sixty on October the fifth.
I doubt that will happen.
If the Creator’s were ever going to allow me a break, it should be now.
Everyone has that psychological cliff.
That ledge that if pushed too far you will definitely tumble down into the abyss.
My life has been a train wreck for months now.
Nine surgeries and then the terrible news regarding my heart.
And on the hottest day so far this year I am sitting on a bench on a busy street, crying my heart out.
My son is suffering also.
He either doesn’t give a damn or he truly doesn’t comprehend the pain I went through.
He definitely does not show concern about the stage C congested heart failure.
Or he does and just doesn’t care.
Only he would know that.
And he will never tell me.
He rarely speaks to me with respect.
Every comment is accompanied with rudeness hidden under the guise of “joking”.
My heart is broken by this and this is not the time for stress.
Because my heart will just cease to pump.
And everything will crumble.
There will be tears for a day.
There will be no “funeral”
I forbid that.
I wish for no gathering of people to shed false tears and speak of my “greatness”.
For they are only words.
The ones who truly knew me and loved me will gather when it’s time.
And which ever of The Seven Paths I choose I shall feel their love.
And I will shed a tear for not being here.
For not being able to say, “I told you so. “
A tear for those I repeatedly told,
“This won’t end well.”
My family has a genetic recourse for longevity.
I abused that gift my whole life long.
The drugs, the fights, the martial arts, the motorcycle accidents, the long prison terms and the abuse of thirty five years of hard work.
All these shortened my lifespan.
I have no fear of death. I have experienced it seven times.
I know how painful it is.
I know the regrets those left behind will have.
They had the choice to show me whatever, so as not to regret the decision later.
But I fear not death – never have.
I shall smile and take that final path.
I fear living, though.
With all it’s trials and tribulations.
With all the heart breaks and humiliation.
Yes, I fear living.
But, life has to have purpose.
At this time in life I am too broken physically to live normally.
I should have found an apartment by now.
The heart doctor’s think I am bedridden as ordered until they come up with a solution to try and prolong my existence.
But, why bother?
I’m almost sixty.
My wife ran off with my pot dealer.
And I miss ‘him’.
My closest son has lost all respect for me.
I sleep on a floor with my pups.
My pups deserve kudos for they keep me somewhat sane.
Unlike people, if a canine loves you it is for always and forever.
People cannot do that for now love is a disposable emotion.
Even the useless Government recognises that the average marriage is a mere five years.
But every Bride and every Groom swear to their conceived God,
“Till death do we part.”
And men like me who only wished to be a husband and a father, will die lonely and sad.
And my precious dogs will fall into lifelong despair.
Most others will forget I was even there.
But my pups, my pups will always care.
And all this can be said with two simple words ……
I would never give anyone the satisfaction of driving me to self harm.
I am the only person I have ever known to be able to say,
“I Committed Suicide Once.”
Not an attempt, but rather a D.O.A. in my basement.
And the bastards brought me back.
So, no, no suicide here.
My death will be a man slaughter – for trying to be a man slaughtered me.