Everyday I try to convince myself to stay positive.
Everyday I struggle with the meaning of MY existence on this beautiful planet.
Everyday life kicks me in my testicles. Relentlessly, cruelly, constantly and all hope dwindles.
I cannot comprehend how much penance YOUR “God” demands from me.
Yes, I did many a wrong.
Yes, I broke nine of Catholicism’s Ten Commandments.
(I can go to my Hell knowing that I NEVER committed “Adultery”.)
So, at least I have that.
I am in such a dire place.
The end of every month I gaze at my cheque and try to construct someway to pay the deposit of the first and last month’s rent as required in Ontario to obtain a place.
I, also, have to pay for lodging at whomever has reached out to help me until I can get my own place.
I, also, must feed my Son, my dogs and I eat once every day or two – mostly every second day.
I don’t drink or even smoke weed anymore.
Intoxicated existence is for COWARDS who do not have the capability or balls to face their lives.
I may be a petite man, but I definitely have big balls.
I hide nothing about my life.
I confess openly my digressions and I admit willingly the harms and dangers I placed upon society.
Yet, my penance is still active.
I pray – constantly – to MY ‘Many Faced Gods ‘. I ask THEM for forgiveness and guidance.
And yet, I am crying.
And I do not want to cry anymore.
I do not want to battle the Demon constantly telling me to swallow a 44 Magnum bullet.
I do not want to battle the Demon constantly telling me to “FRACK IT” and return to the ‘Easy Street’ of dealing China White, Black Tar and Afghani weapons.
I will never again place Canadian dollars into the hands of the very people who are plotting to annihilate the existence of my fellow ‘infidels’.
I pray everyday to finally be allowed to live somewhere.
That prayer is yet to be answered.
And I know not what to do.
I am not a dreg on society.
I cannot simply “call my worker” and receive a free handout.
I will NOT sell drugs, weapons or souls ever again.
I will NEVER return to the biker or Bloods life.
I AM FIGHTING MY MULTIPLE DEMONS.
I AM FIGHTING TO SURVIVE FOR MY SON, FOR MY FAITHFUL DOGS AND FOR MY BEAUTIFUL QUEENS.
FOR LIFE IS ABOUT WHO SHOWS YOU “TRUE LOVE” AND HOW DEVOTED YOU ARE TO ACCEPTING AND RETURNING THAT SAID LOVE.
I never knew of love as a child, hell, I barely knew of it as an adult until MY Gods allowed me to share my heart with Terry and Maria.
I am a Blessed man for that allowance.
I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYMORE.
I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE ELSE EVER AGAIN.
On June 29th, this coming Thursday, I will finally know how many days, months or years I may live.
I am ready for the result
As the Jewish pray, “HINENI – I AM READY MY LORD”.
I confessed to my Gods my willingness to pay the price for the sins I have committed towards “YOU”, my fellow man.
I am willing to let my penance be a slow and painful death.
All I beg for is to somehow obtain a place to call my own once again. A place where I can smile through the pain and watch my Son and my dogs live a proper life.
And if not …….
then let the Demons win ….
and take me now, suffer not my tormented soul yet one more day …..
for I AM ready my Lords – if beit the price I am to pay.
HINENI – MY LORDS – HINENI