I have cancer on my mind.
Literally ….. true story.
As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.
Which has migrated into my skull proper.
Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.
Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.
The physical pain is insane.
Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.
I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.
And, Deja Vu.
Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.
The second night in a row.
Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.
I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.
BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.
I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.
I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.
I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.
Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.
I know the pain that inflicts all too well.
I am not dishonest in love.
I don’t lie about my emotions.
Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.
Who would want to claim a false love as real “love” ?
No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.
Many people contort the definition of “love”.
I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.
I love my ‘Queen’.
The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.
She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.
And one Corazon is all you get.
I have many friends.
The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.
I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.
But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.
Definitely not in a sexual way.
It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.
A completely different type of love.
My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….
“Walk With Dann” .
That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.
61 years of hurt I endured so far.
The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.
I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.
You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).
I am tired. Very, very tired.
Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.
Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.
You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.
For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.
Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.
I am tired of adult life.
I am very, very, very tired.
And now it is D DAY 4 Dann
Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,
or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,
or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.
Good news for some people … not so much me.
I am tired.
I am all alone in a crowded room.
That room called ‘life‘.
And I am tired.
As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”
“I’m ready my Lord”.
‘Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.
I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.
Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.
I want to.
I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.
I am tired of existing.
30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.
But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?
And I am tired, very tired.
I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.
Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.
I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.
No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.
And now …….
I am tired.
I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.
Be it sooner or much later.
I will smile as I enter either.
For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.
I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.
And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.
I have a huge decision to make today.
It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.
At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.
We will see what happens at the hospital.
I am tired and I want to go home.
Plus, I ain’t looking so well …