Hope Is All We Really Have

So, final diagnosis from the surgeons …. oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium. And now in addition to that I have been diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma which has grown in the form of a very large tumor on the back of my tongue.

This tumor presents life threatening and serious consequences. Hence, my throat is closing up. On January 3rd, 2019 I will begin radical chemo/beam radiation treatment for periods of six and a half weeks, a short break and then repeated.

Also, I have to have a surgically implanted feeding tube installed and a trachea breathing airway in my throat and a port-a-cath for administrating medications and such.

I have battled many things in my life, but this will be my greatest battle of all. I am scared. I am not ashamed to admit that. I cry at night. I cry when no one but my soulmate can see or hear. I have the right to cry for I may very well not make it through this battlefield of treatment.

The doctors say if the Squamous Cell reaches my liver there will be little they can do other than dope me up and let me pass on to the next space/time continuum.

I have walked my seven paths on the seven continuum’s. The eighth you do not return for that is the one where the Light chooses you, not you choosing the Light.

If that is what lays before me, I am okay with it. I have lived a wild life, Blessed life – a life many would be jealous of. I have walked many different paths, a beggerman, a thief, a hippie, a biker, a vagabond, a father, a husband (a few times), an electrician, a poet and recently, an author.

To quote Kid Rock, “I have ate of dumpsters and I have dined with Kings.”

I would do it all over again if given the chance. My lifestyle and the choices I made, although often tragic, gifted me with meeting tens of thousands of people from every walk of life there is. I learned from them, I absorbed knowledge from every encounter and the greatest thing I was rewarded with was “SURVIVAL” .

I left my parents home at the age of 12. A mere snot nosed baby in diapers. I never went home since then.

Who does such a thing you may ask.

I do.

I am ‘LightHouse Dann Verner’.

A man who some say has lived many tragic lives.

The first decade of my life I had lived in thirty-two homes. None of which I ever spoke the words, “Mom or Dad”. Only “Mister or Misses”.

I started my ‘Walks’ at the age of ten fighting the monsters in my head. The demons were winning for many years.

I left my siblings Father’s house at the age of twelve to join a hippie commune and learned how to be a Heroin addict.

I have never slept in my father or mothers house since that day.

That was over fifty years ago.

Foster care, jails, pain, sorrow and addiction were my childhood friends.

My playgrounds were the streets.

My rocking horse a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

I learned how to survive the best I could. I learned the harsh realities of everyday life. I learned deceit, honesty, love, hate and most of all “HOPE”. I survived day by day hoping the next sunrise would be better.

Sometimes it was better. Sometimes it was not.

I have hope today. Hope that although there lays a fifty/fifty chance I will soon be ascending I will survive.

For hope is all we really have.

Namaste’

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.