I have not been writing much as late.
I have to get back to doing so.
I am overloading my mind with chaos and confused emotions.
The cancer eats at me even when it is laying dormant. “Am I going to die?” or “Will I soon be a husk of my former self?” – these two questions echo to and fro within the confines of my mind.
The tears I have yet to understand. They flow without rhyme or reason. Occasionally I have a warning. Many times I have not. On a crowded bus they leak out my eyes and trickle down my cheeks. I have learned not to be embarrassed. We all cry occasionally.
Why am I crying???
I know not why. Perhaps it is fear of the cancer, or sadness from the condition of my emaciated body, or my feelings of unworthiness.
I know I have worth. I know I have been allowed to live for a greater reason than I have knowledge of.
In a few mere weeks I transitioned from one tough mofo of a streetwise gangster to a 102 pound HUMBLED man. A man who at 61 realizes that honesty, caring and devotion are the key ingredients to being a productive cog in the machine of life.
The cancer, stroke,abscess, septicemia and exploded spleen were just mere bumps in the road. Nudges from the Creator.
Unveiled clues to the meaning of my life. A “reset” of my inner core thought process.
Will I be happy sitting on a chair aging into an old man held hostage by thought in a ghetto apartment? Or, will I rejuvenate my soul’s energy and start the final ‘Walk With Dann’ with a new found love of living?
I chose the latter. I chose a life.
I have now been declared legally dead on 9 occasions. How many people can say this?
I used to wonder why I have been Blessed with returning from Death. I do not wonder now, for I know that I have a purpose yet to be revealed. A calling I will soon discover and understand.
I will not allow my physical ailments nor my psychological turmoil to steer my Walk.
I will leave those steps in the hands of the Creator.
When my calling and purpose births itself, I shall be ready.
It may well be as simple as writing yet another book about life lessons learned, or, it may be a complicated array of lecturing the youth or teaching the elders.
Only the Creator knows for sure what my destiny holds. I look forward to the day I obtain self realization and take the first step onto the path I must “Walk”.
I am but a grain of sand on the beach of life …….
Yet, I hold the power to change the world