It is 2 in the morning. I keep waking to scratch my self. Morphine itches. Side effect of living a life without pain.
I have had to up my opiod intake to fight the pain.
My neck is swelling. Not good at all.
Unlike my face, hands and feet this swelling does not go away. (My goatee has been doing a good job hiding it, though.)
To many I appear healthier. That is the bloating making me appear fat faced. An illusion.
I am at the worst stage I have had to deal with. I do not feel well at all.
There are numerous things I can no longer do. A flight of stairs is a challenge. Carry groceries home is no longer possible.
The neck swelling seems to be accelerating. Almost flush with the tip of my chin.
Which scares me. A couple of months ago I was more than willing to ascend.
Not now. I want to live.
No if’s, and’s or but’s.
I have to go on.
My wife, my sons and my pups need me.
I need them.
You can see the shape and massiveness of the tumor at the base of my tongue. Much larger than the camera made it appear as.
I can feel my airway getting a little smaller each day. A true cause for concern.
Soon people will notice my swollen throat. It is getting too big to hide.
Hence, this blog.
They will ask, “Is your cancer back?”
“It never left.” I will reply.
And cancer takes another of my dearest friends.
I lost another very dear friend today. Callng her “friend” does not honour her enough. She is/was my “sister.”
Over 40 years of knowing and loving each other. I would never have met my beautiful wife if not for Dawn Thomas (Doncaster).
Cancer finally won. She battled it three times in the past few years. She fought like a true Urban Viking.
I am outliving all my childhood and lifelong friends and relatives. That is not an easy experience.
The older I get the more sorrow I bear.
Some is our age. Some is not.
It is a heavy yoke of sorrow I wear.
Am I outliving all these Blessed souls as a form of penence?
Or is my mind making a mountain out of a molehill?
This ancient LightHouse is feeling old.