Category Archives: author

Cancerous Emotions Cause Heartache

I have learned many things since I started this horrid battle against the Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinomas.

One of the most important, yet heartbreaking, being that having terminal cancer changes all aspects of life. Yours and every person connected to you in any and each way.

For the patient it is difficult enough. They must go through the various stages of coming to the realization that they do indeed have terminal cancer. And Death is intimate.

I was tortured through the first few stages of cancer acceptance.

First came the “Denial” .

I don’t have cancer. I want another and another opinion.”

Then came “Depression.”

The darkness crept in. The tears began to fall.

And of course this was followed by the demonic “Suicidal” stage.

I gave it serious consideration. Being a man who has been Blessed with loving family and dear friends, I was pulled from the bowels of this Demon.

And in all honesty it was just in the knick of time. I lie to you not

I am now in the “Acceptance” stage.

I am at peace with the diagnosis.

I am at war with the desease.

My soul mate, my family, my friends and everyone connected to my life get the smelly end of the stick.

They must stand helpless and full of guilt because they know not what they can do to alleviate my suffering.

(“SUFFER” is an understatement – what my precious loved ones had to witness was heartbreaking for me.)

Like I stated previously, I have no choice but to accept the “diagnosis“.

I DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE “TERMINAL” labelling.

They, my loved ones, will forever be stuck in the “Denial” stage.

For who wants their spouse, parent, child, best friend, etc. to be dying of not one, but two cancers?

The pain and sorrow I see in their eyes fuels my fires to beat this demonic affliction against all the odds that are stacked against me.

I cannot allow cancer in my body to cause pain and heartbreak in their hearts.

We have all changed personality wise. My many sons and I have grown much closer. As has my relationship with my dearest friend and deepest love. The relationship between my ex-wife of 32 years and I has become far more calm, for lack of a better word.

The pleasent side of this is I hear the words, “I love you.” often. Not spoken only to me, but being readily exchanged between family and friends.

What makes this far more heartwarming is not only do I hear the sincerity of the “I love you’s”, I have the Blessing to see the “love” being naturally expressed.

There is always something good trapped inside a disparaging situation. You simply have to identify and bring it to the surface so that it may be a Blessing for all.

The cancer emotions are severe – severe enough to destroy even the strongest and most faithful of souls.

I put my loved one through Hell on many occasions this past few months. Especially when I battled my way through the Denial and Suicidal phase.

I am still a very moody and cantankerous prick at times. I try not to be but it happens. I could blame the pain, or the depression, or the side effects of the opiates, but I blame myself. It is up to me to not take my frustration and sadness out on others.

This Cancer War has made me a grounded soul. I realize that I am far from immortal now. Life is far more precious now. I treasure each second of every minute of each hour I have with my loved ones.

I see more beauty in my soul mate – my dearest friend – Maria. I see how handsome my sons are. I appreciate the love as a friend my ex-wife and I can now share.

Greatest thing I have learned is that life has no time for drama or childish arguments. That one smile is capable of banishing a hundred frowns.

I learned to love MYSELF once again and to let the people I love know that I do truly appreciate and love them.

Yet, I hold that guilt and the sorrow of what I see in their eyes.

I wish they could and would believe that although I am living in a painful Hell, I will be fine. For this Original Urban Viking – the Last Canadian Cosmonaut is not ready for ascension.

I will beat this demonic affliction back to the dusty bowels of Helheim it came from.

Until then, I shall remain – Dann, just as I am

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Was My Life Hard? I Think Not

I am ‘LightHouse Dann Verner’.

A man who some say has lived many tragic lives.

The first decade of my life I had lived in thirty-two homes. None of which I ever spoke the words, “Mom or Dad“. Only “Mister or Misses”.

I started my ‘Walks‘ at the age of ten fighting the monsters in my head. The demons were winning for many years.

I left my siblings Father’s house at the age of twelve to join a hippie commune and learned how to be a Heroin addict.

I have never slept in my father or mothers house since that day.

That was over fifty years ago…..

Was my life hard?

I think not.

Every life is difficult.

It is our trials and tribulations that define who we become in life.

I have done many things I am ashamed of.

I have done far more that I am proud of.

Never let your past transgressions define your future.

Hold your head high and hold the attitude that you are the best you that you can be today.

For yesterday has ‘passed’.

Tomorrow is always “tomorrow“.

Today is ‘now‘ and only the Creators know what each day will teach you, show you and bring to you.

Never be leary to stand head high.

Always treat each new day as another ‘birth“.

Walk With Dann Collection” tells you of my many trials and tribulations.

Available at:

amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

The Dark Void

I have been through some heavy predicaments in my life that left me dazed and confused.

Looking back I wonder how I made it through most of them.

Now I have been battling this cancer.

It would not have been so difficult if I hadn’t had a minor stroke the first week of treatment – luckily the nurse was changing my IV bag as it started to happen.

The next week they discovered a huge abscess in my abdomen. Painfully it was dealt with.

Bear in mind I am also having double radiation sessions daily.

T

hen after the abscess I get hit with septicemia and almost die.

A week after that my spleen explodes.

No one knows how I survived that.

There is no way I should have survived.

And I finally graduated from my radiation treatments.

And now, as I wait for the test results to tell me if we got all the cancer, I sit here in a very dark void.

I am scared. It could be extremely bad news on the twenty – eighth or the best news ever.

But, I sit here day after day trying to stay positive and ready as any Urban Viking to go to war against the cancer again if I have to.

But this dark void contains my biggest fears, my greatest wishes, who I love, my family love.

And I am getting scared.

So, I pray and I pray from the heart and soul. I have confessed my sins to my God. I willingly accept all and any penence I may have to serve.

Prayer is what pulls me from this void.

I am scared but ready. Only a fool would state he was not afraid of the battles I have yet to fight.

Namaste’

D-day 4 Dann

I have cancer on my mind.

Literally ….. true story.

As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.

Which has migrated into my skull proper.

Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.

So,

Deja Vu.

Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.

The physical pain is insane.

Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.

I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.

And, Deja Vu.

Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.

The second night in a row.

Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.

I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.

BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.

I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.

I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.

I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.

I know the pain that inflicts all too well.

I am not dishonest in love.

I don’t lie about my emotions.

Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.

Who would want to claim a false love as real love” ?

No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.

Many people contort the definition of “love”.

I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.

I love my ‘Queen’.

The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.

She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.

And one Corazon is all you get.

I have many friends.

The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.

I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.

But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.

Definitely not in a sexual way.

It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.

A completely different type of love.

Secondly,

My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….

Walk With Dann” .

That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.

61 years of hurt I endured so far.

The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.

I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.

You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).

I am tired. Very, very tired.

Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.

Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.

You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.

For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.

Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.

I am tired of adult life.

I am very, very, very tired.

And now it is D DAY 4 Dann

Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,

or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,

or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.

Yahoo!!!!!!

Good news for some people … not so much me.

I am tired.

Very tired.

I am all alone in a crowded room.

That room called ‘life‘.

And I am tired.

As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”

“I’m ready my Lord”.

Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.

I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.

Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.

I want to.

I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.

I am tired of existing.

30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.

But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?

And I am tired, very tired.

I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.

Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.

I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.

No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.

And now …….

I am tired.

I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.

Be it sooner or much later.

I will smile as I enter either.

For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.

I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.

And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.

I have a huge decision to make today.

It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.

At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.

We will see what happens at the hospital.

I am tired and I want to go home.

Plus, I ain’t looking so well …

My Largest Battle To Date

I have been diagnosed with cancer in my neck and my head.

I am awaiting surgery any day now.

Many of my medications are not covered by my drug plan and I cannot afford the extra cost of traveling back and forth.

I cannot eat solid food and depend on friends to buy me Ensure meal replacements.

This has added extra stress and strain on my already weakened body.

And I know not what to do or where to turn.

As embarrassing as it is, I have turned to social media, Facebook, to ask for help.

I am also exploring a crowd funding program to hopefully get more advertising and exposure for my published books which will help by bringing in a minor supplementary income.

I will beat this demon cancer once again. I have already battled it twice now – most is in the attitude. Positivity creates positive results.

Valhalla is not ready for me, nor am I ready for it.

http://amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

I Am Afraid of Darkness

I am afraid of the darkness, but not the dark.

The darkness pushes back the Light. Allowing sorrow, pain and discomfort to steal joy from your mind.

I try to push it back. Hoping to gain back my Light.

The dark does not scare me because my Light knows it is harmless. It takes merely the flick of a modern switch to drive the dark away.

The Darkness brings out evils and torment.

It lives and thrives in the soul.

Mocking your sorrow.

Laughing at the pain you have endured.

Only love of life, love of family and the love of a true soulmate can push back the Darkness.

I pray someday we will evolve to the point where Darkness is no longer.

Until then, I remain – Dann, just as I am.

Surrounded by the Darkness and wishing it were merely “The Dark”.

But, it is not – it has gripped my heart, my soul and my life in ugly arms.

And whispered in my ear,

NO SOUP FOR YOU”

16 Signs That You Are An INFJ, The World’s Rarest Personality Type

https://wakeupyourmind.net/life/16-signs-that-you-are-an-infj-the-worlds-rarest-personality-type/

In 1972, when first incarcerated in a Federal Penitentiary, I did the Myers-Briggs test and rated 16/16.

Apparently only two percent of society has this type of personality labeled as “INFJ”.

I did not understand at that time that I was an INFJ personality. I overstand now.

Rasputin was beyond a doubt an INFJ.

Months before reading the article in the above link, my Lighthouse side has, through a series of analytical evaluations, came to the conclusion that in another space/time continuum I was Rasputin.

I am definitely a true 2% and a classic INFJ person.

Am I Rasputin’s re-incarnate?

#AmIRasputin #LighthouseDannVerner #TheLastCanadianCosmonaut #TheOriginalUrbanViking #amazonauthorlighthouseverner #MiFuegoDeMiCorazon

Which One Of Us Is ‘Different”?

Many people do not understand what they call “Mental Health“.

How do you explain the battle with your demons to someone that has been trained to believe that ‘different‘ is wrong?

Is ‘different‘ wrong?

Because to we who suffer through the constant battle of ‘personality disorders‘ YOU are the ‘different‘ one.

I do not believe in any of the labels society has placed on people.

I DO believe we all suffer from personality ‘conflicts’.

Every soul on this planet suffers the same stresses and have the same emotions as everyone else. We all live in the same space/time continuum. We all eat, drink and breathe the same.

We are all homo sapiens living on the same Big Blue Marble.

I have many demons who are constantly looking to diminish my everyday life. They do their best to bring anger, tears, sorrow and carelessness to the forefront.

I do get tired of battling them. I do give up on occasions.

I don’t want to, but, I get tired.

Damn, I get tired.

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Real tired! I am tired now.

I have no fight left in me.

Which leaves me in a quandary.

Do I wear myself out and try to stay “LightHouse“?

Or do I walk backwards and become “Shake“?

Or do I escape into my mind and live life as “Dann“?

Or should I allow my mind to burst and revert to the infant “Boo Boo“?

Boo Boo works, spend the rest of my years as a parentless child with a shitty diaper and speaking only gibberish.

Dann presents problems because he is fake as can be. The smiling face society says is ‘proper‘.

LightHouse is who I strived to be.  He is a nice man. Educated, loyal and truthful.

Unfortunately.

LightHouse gets hurt often.

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His smile is real. The reason he smiles is because society shuns those who do not wear the mask of the sheep.

But, I am no “sheep“.

Yes, I am having what you perceive as “psychological” disorders.

The disorders being that I refuse to be fake and I will not be commanded, I will not be controlled and I definitely will not let my life go on without a little help from my soul.

I will go on – maybe – maybe not.

I have published the fourth and closing chapter of my life – “Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut”.

My ‘Walk With Dann Collection‘ shows well the battles I have fought trying to conform to the sheepdom of society life.

Now, if I were to die tomorrow, and no one were to remember me, there lays a permanent record of my lives and my seven previous deaths.

Forever out there in paper form and the evil virtual reality of the unrealistic internet.

We need to stop labelling.

We need to stop being clones of each others perceptions.

Simple as that.

Namaste’

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Unkz - A Canadian Cosmonaut

These Are My Published Books To Date

Last week I published my third volume of my “Walking On Dawes Collection”
This collection shows how no matter how fantastic you believe ganglife to be, Miss Karma and her brother, Mr. Chaos always wins in the end.

Today I published “Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut” the fourth and final volume of my “Walk With Dann Collection”.

The last chapter of my life, or as I should say, my various lives.

I pray that my honesty and confessions will touch at least one soul and prevent them from making the wrong choices I have made.

All my works are available at https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B078JNX5WV

 

https://www.goodreads.com/LightHouseVerner

 

I write my books for me.

I tell my stories for my readers.

I am not sure if my works are badly written good stories or well written bad stories.

Not too sure I care either way. I do care that, in my “Walk With Dann Collection”, I am telling my life as brutally truthful as possible. In shame and in honour.

I do care that my ‘stand alone’ books, such as “The Last Canadian Cosmonaut” touch your heart.

I pray that my other collection, “Walking On Dawes”, shows that the gang life, although often ‘exciting’, leads only to karma biting your buttocks.”

My Walk With Dann Collection

Volumes 1, 2 & 3

Damaged” is my first book.

Like me, it is raw and full of mistakes.

I have left it “unedited” as life has left me.

DAMAGED”

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 1

A Walk from my birth till I meet my second wife.”


It is rough, crude in fact, numerous format conversion errors.

I left It raw on purpose as a testament to the honesty of my words and work.

It contains humour, murder, explosions and motorcycles.

It may or may not be fictional or may even be non-fictional.”

BANE

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 2

Walks you through my middle years and three decades of marriage.”

It does not contain the excitement of it’s predecessor.”

It begins to show you who I was and who I was becoming.”

 

BOON”

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 3

Walks you deep into my personal life of trials and tribulations and my uniquely twisted none the norm perception of my realty.”

“Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut”

Volume 4 – Walk With Dann Collection

Unkz - A Canadian Cosmonaut

There are deeply complicated thoughts that haunt you, when you well know you are insane.

Insane by their standard.

I believe I am just Dann, just as I am.

I am not like others.

I am not them.

I am me.

Yet, there are multiple “me’s”.

And they are all I can or should be.

As the previous confessions of my life told within my first work, “Damaged, tells, I am, ‘broken

Began at birth.

Blue baby.

Unplanned child.

Unwanted but wanted.

And left to die before I had lived.

Only my deepest consciousness knows what I have experienced.

To keep my spirit alive my mind vaulted those days far in the depths of the encrypted memories.

Never to be re-lived.

Never to scar my soul once more.

Now, I am sixty-one years old and it is time for me to end this “Walk With Dann Collection” with this, my final volume.

To give closure to the three previous quarters of my numerous lives.

I am not soon to ascend.

But, my Walk With Dann Collection must contain a sincere final volume of my most innermost beliefs and thoughts.

For I cannot author them after I reach my own personal concept of Valhalla.

A final confession of both my rights and my wrongs.

I will utter exact truths, I will hold no quarter from exposing who I have become in the final quarter of a Canadian Cosmonaut’s life.

My life has been no different than yours.

My strife, my loves, my sorrows, my learning and my battlefield are far different than yours.

I present to you ………….

“Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut”

So, come, Walk With Dann.

THE LAST CANADIAN COSMONAUT”

(My first ‘standalone book‘ and my personal favorite.)

TLCC (2)

THE LAST CANADIAN COSMONAUT”

Here are the opening pages

The smell of the ocean danced on my nostrils as I walked, slipping and sliding, across the flats. My eyes darting to and fro, carefully scanning ahead for sink holes.

I should have been walking the other direction. Towards the junior high school. Towards hippie teachers trying to teach me of science, faith and nature.

I could hear the train in the distance. Pulling it’s tonnage of sugar cane around the bend to the refinery.

The tug boats crested the horizon. Their wake spewing behind them as they pushed against the mighty tanker so as to slow it’s unforgiving momentum. Lest it run ashore.

The shore. My foster home was there. High up the hill. It’s windows like two large eyes, taunting me with guilt.“Go to school“, they seemed to say.

I can’t”, my reply.”

Walking On Dawes Collection

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I WANT TO BE ‘FLOKI’”

Walking On Dawes Collection”

Volume 1”

This is a tale of a family who live their lives within the gang life. Except Little Ray. He and his family want him to break the cycle and live a normal life.”

There is tragedy, laughter and most of all ‘insight’ within.

Big Roy - Dedication

So come with us as we

Walk On Dawes.”

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You Can’t See Me”

Walking On Dawes Collection

Volume 2

This is a portrait of a broken man living a broken life in a broken world where family and friendship are one and the same.

Where wrong choices can lead to lifelong regrets. Haunting the very soul and stabbing the heart daily to remind you of the penalties of actions.

Where a man can be all alone and un-noticed in a crowded room.

Where sadness shadows joy and joy masks sadness.

This is the life of one man on one street in one city.”

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6315 – The Original Urban Viking”

Walking On Dawes Collection”

Volume 3”

Life can be unfair. It can be brutal.

Especially for an inner city young man growing up in the projects.

This is a tale of such a man. A man who walked many paths. Who made choices – good and bad. Who experienced love, hate, joy and sadness and bears the scars to show their result.

A man who chose the path of gang life over grade school classes. A man who’s rocking horse was a Harley Davidson. His playground was the streets. His graduation was held in a Federal Penitentiary.

A man who found remorse and regrets haunting him throughout his adulthood.

A man who wanted out.

A man who wished for peace in his soul and calmness in his heart.

His name,

6315 – The Original Urban Viking”

6315 Back Cover

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My Seventh Book Is Published

“6315 – The Original Urban Viking” – Volume 3 of my Walking On Dawes Collection is now published.

So come travel the world with 6315. He hasn’t been right since t accident.