Cancerous Emotions Cause Heartache

I have learned many things since I started this horrid battle against the Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinomas.

One of the most important, yet heartbreaking, being that having terminal cancer changes all aspects of life. Yours and every person connected to you in any and each way.

For the patient it is difficult enough. They must go through the various stages of coming to the realization that they do indeed have terminal cancer. And Death is intimate.

I was tortured through the first few stages of cancer acceptance.

First came the “Denial” .

I don’t have cancer. I want another and another opinion.”

Then came “Depression.”

The darkness crept in. The tears began to fall.

And of course this was followed by the demonic “Suicidal” stage.

I gave it serious consideration. Being a man who has been Blessed with loving family and dear friends, I was pulled from the bowels of this Demon.

And in all honesty it was just in the knick of time. I lie to you not

I am now in the “Acceptance” stage.

I am at peace with the diagnosis.

I am at war with the desease.

My soul mate, my family, my friends and everyone connected to my life get the smelly end of the stick.

They must stand helpless and full of guilt because they know not what they can do to alleviate my suffering.

(“SUFFER” is an understatement – what my precious loved ones had to witness was heartbreaking for me.)

Like I stated previously, I have no choice but to accept the “diagnosis“.

I DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE “TERMINAL” labelling.

They, my loved ones, will forever be stuck in the “Denial” stage.

For who wants their spouse, parent, child, best friend, etc. to be dying of not one, but two cancers?

The pain and sorrow I see in their eyes fuels my fires to beat this demonic affliction against all the odds that are stacked against me.

I cannot allow cancer in my body to cause pain and heartbreak in their hearts.

We have all changed personality wise. My many sons and I have grown much closer. As has my relationship with my dearest friend and deepest love. The relationship between my ex-wife of 32 years and I has become far more calm, for lack of a better word.

The pleasent side of this is I hear the words, “I love you.” often. Not spoken only to me, but being readily exchanged between family and friends.

What makes this far more heartwarming is not only do I hear the sincerity of the “I love you’s”, I have the Blessing to see the “love” being naturally expressed.

There is always something good trapped inside a disparaging situation. You simply have to identify and bring it to the surface so that it may be a Blessing for all.

The cancer emotions are severe – severe enough to destroy even the strongest and most faithful of souls.

I put my loved one through Hell on many occasions this past few months. Especially when I battled my way through the Denial and Suicidal phase.

I am still a very moody and cantankerous prick at times. I try not to be but it happens. I could blame the pain, or the depression, or the side effects of the opiates, but I blame myself. It is up to me to not take my frustration and sadness out on others.

This Cancer War has made me a grounded soul. I realize that I am far from immortal now. Life is far more precious now. I treasure each second of every minute of each hour I have with my loved ones.

I see more beauty in my soul mate – my dearest friend – Maria. I see how handsome my sons are. I appreciate the love as a friend my ex-wife and I can now share.

Greatest thing I have learned is that life has no time for drama or childish arguments. That one smile is capable of banishing a hundred frowns.

I learned to love MYSELF once again and to let the people I love know that I do truly appreciate and love them.

Yet, I hold that guilt and the sorrow of what I see in their eyes.

I wish they could and would believe that although I am living in a painful Hell, I will be fine. For this Original Urban Viking – the Last Canadian Cosmonaut is not ready for ascension.

I will beat this demonic affliction back to the dusty bowels of Helheim it came from.

Until then, I shall remain – Dann, just as I am

Was My Life Hard? I Think Not

I am ‘LightHouse Dann Verner’.

A man who some say has lived many tragic lives.

The first decade of my life I had lived in thirty-two homes. None of which I ever spoke the words, “Mom or Dad“. Only “Mister or Misses”.

I started my ‘Walks‘ at the age of ten fighting the monsters in my head. The demons were winning for many years.

I left my siblings Father’s house at the age of twelve to join a hippie commune and learned how to be a Heroin addict.

I have never slept in my father or mothers house since that day.

That was over fifty years ago…..

Was my life hard?

I think not.

Every life is difficult.

It is our trials and tribulations that define who we become in life.

I have done many things I am ashamed of.

I have done far more that I am proud of.

Never let your past transgressions define your future.

Hold your head high and hold the attitude that you are the best you that you can be today.

For yesterday has ‘passed’.

Tomorrow is always “tomorrow“.

Today is ‘now‘ and only the Creators know what each day will teach you, show you and bring to you.

Never be leary to stand head high.

Always treat each new day as another ‘birth“.

Walk With Dann Collection” tells you of my many trials and tribulations.

Available at:

amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

The Dark Void

I have been through some heavy predicaments in my life that left me dazed and confused.

Looking back I wonder how I made it through most of them.

Now I have been battling this cancer.

It would not have been so difficult if I hadn’t had a minor stroke the first week of treatment – luckily the nurse was changing my IV bag as it started to happen.

The next week they discovered a huge abscess in my abdomen. Painfully it was dealt with.

Bear in mind I am also having double radiation sessions daily.

T

hen after the abscess I get hit with septicemia and almost die.

A week after that my spleen explodes.

No one knows how I survived that.

There is no way I should have survived.

And I finally graduated from my radiation treatments.

And now, as I wait for the test results to tell me if we got all the cancer, I sit here in a very dark void.

I am scared. It could be extremely bad news on the twenty – eighth or the best news ever.

But, I sit here day after day trying to stay positive and ready as any Urban Viking to go to war against the cancer again if I have to.

But this dark void contains my biggest fears, my greatest wishes, who I love, my family love.

And I am getting scared.

So, I pray and I pray from the heart and soul. I have confessed my sins to my God. I willingly accept all and any penence I may have to serve.

Prayer is what pulls me from this void.

I am scared but ready. Only a fool would state he was not afraid of the battles I have yet to fight.

Namaste’

D-day 4 Dann

I have cancer on my mind.

Literally ….. true story.

As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.

Which has migrated into my skull proper.

Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.

So,

Deja Vu.

Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.

The physical pain is insane.

Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.

I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.

And, Deja Vu.

Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.

The second night in a row.

Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.

I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.

BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.

I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.

I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.

I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.

I know the pain that inflicts all too well.

I am not dishonest in love.

I don’t lie about my emotions.

Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.

Who would want to claim a false love as real love” ?

No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.

Many people contort the definition of “love”.

I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.

I love my ‘Queen’.

The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.

She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.

And one Corazon is all you get.

I have many friends.

The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.

I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.

But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.

Definitely not in a sexual way.

It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.

A completely different type of love.

Secondly,

My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….

Walk With Dann” .

That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.

61 years of hurt I endured so far.

The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.

I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.

You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).

I am tired. Very, very tired.

Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.

Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.

You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.

For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.

Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.

I am tired of adult life.

I am very, very, very tired.

And now it is D DAY 4 Dann

Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,

or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,

or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.

Yahoo!!!!!!

Good news for some people … not so much me.

I am tired.

Very tired.

I am all alone in a crowded room.

That room called ‘life‘.

And I am tired.

As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”

“I’m ready my Lord”.

Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.

I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.

Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.

I want to.

I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.

I am tired of existing.

30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.

But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?

And I am tired, very tired.

I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.

Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.

I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.

No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.

And now …….

I am tired.

I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.

Be it sooner or much later.

I will smile as I enter either.

For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.

I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.

And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.

I have a huge decision to make today.

It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.

At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.

We will see what happens at the hospital.

I am tired and I want to go home.

Plus, I ain’t looking so well …

My Largest Battle To Date

I have been diagnosed with cancer in my neck and my head.

I am awaiting surgery any day now.

Many of my medications are not covered by my drug plan and I cannot afford the extra cost of traveling back and forth.

I cannot eat solid food and depend on friends to buy me Ensure meal replacements.

This has added extra stress and strain on my already weakened body.

And I know not what to do or where to turn.

As embarrassing as it is, I have turned to social media, Facebook, to ask for help.

I am also exploring a crowd funding program to hopefully get more advertising and exposure for my published books which will help by bringing in a minor supplementary income.

I will beat this demon cancer once again. I have already battled it twice now – most is in the attitude. Positivity creates positive results.

Valhalla is not ready for me, nor am I ready for it.

http://amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner