Next step in my Cancer Battle

My next adventure in battling cancer. Two hours a day for 40 days at 600,000 Pa.

Two serious side effects being – first, high possibility of further ear damage, but that can be repaired.

The second, 70 percent chance that due to my previous eye problems I may go blind.

That is NOT repairable.

The next fear is that the plate in my skull may not withstand the severe pressure.

We will not know unless we try.

New G-Tube and Final Assessments

I had my g-tube implanted yesterday. This one is for life. I am still eating normal foods that I can tolerate. It is painful.

Eventually the cancer will destroy my tongue and esphogus and then the gtube will be a necessity.

image

image

After a very long and deep consultation with my Treatment Team we decided that it is best I remain as an inpatient.

This gives them the time and opportunity to run a battery of tests and thorough scans to come up with a timeline which will give us a rough idea how long my body can handle this beating.

I feel relieved in a way. I imagine it is a type of ‘closure’. A heavy yoke of fears and anxieties have been lifted from my shoulders.

Still, I bear the guilt of what this has done to my family and my friends.

Yes for sure. It has been a very emotional trip.

Not a pleasent one for any of us by far.

But at least I can pick the time and the way. When that time is here.

With the care I am receiving now I can honestly say I know I have a few months maybe longer.

I am glad I am off the Fentanyl and morphine. It was just an affiction no man wants or needs. It was not helping with the pain.

Just 8mgs of hydromorphone (Dilaudid), every four hours and a break through medication on top of that is what we have found works the best.

I do not carry the ‘fear’ any longer. Nor the ‘suicidal‘ tendencies.

I discovered early on that there are stages to the cancer battle.

I have gone through “DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION, SUICIDIAL, ACCEPTENCE and RAGE” . I suspect there are more stages yet to go through.

Tomorrow will tell more. In the morning I will open that door.

Culling The Herd

I am better than what the doctors say. They have me dead any day now.

I meditate often.  I always have. I don’t sit in a hippie stance with candles burning.moaning “OM!”.

You can meditate while preparing supper.

And I always give appreciation and love to Mother Earth – for we are merely specks of dust and an annoyance unless we work and play Her way.

B.C. and its beauty is Mother Earth at her finest. And an ocean storm is Her when we have pissed her off.

Soon She is going to cull the herd and She will wipe many of us from Her surface.

And our ‘modern’ society will return to a simpler time where barter systems assured everyone ate.

It has happened many times – five times in our recorded history. The Black Plague almost took us back to Neandrothal times. It is my personal favourite.  Mind you a good volcanic eruption excites the genitales.

But, I have said this since my hippie phase.

We only THINK we are the SUPERIOR race and the most intelligent animal on the planet because no other creature can understand us.

And they have no desire to talk to us.

Oddly, all the other living things on this once beautifil Big Blue Marble can communicate
with one another.

Even the plant life speaks.

The apple turns colour and falls to the ground to tell the deer to come eat. The deer scent attracts the mountain lion. The bloody deer carcass tells the Raven the buffet is now open and free.  And the magical circle of existence goes on and on.

Meanwhile, “modern man” is over here eating mint Oreo’s and raping inflatable Zebra”s waiting for the welfare cheque to come.

We only “rent” our space here.
We are very bad tenants.
We are going to be evicted.
Only the strong, devoted and Indigenous will survive.

For we are the ones who truly love and understand the beauty of living for we have already lived our death.

My rant is done.
My day complete.
For a bag of Jelly Beans
I would kiss your feet.
Namaste’

Few Will Believe That This Actually Happened After I Dreamt I Had A Fist Fight With God

Those who know me well know of my “LightHouse” gift/curse.

They also are very aware that I have many spiritual and Astral premonitions. Many good ‘Light‘ – others scary as a rabid monkey in your underwear.

Last night, during a torturous attempt to sleep while the cancerous tumors eat away at my brain stem, I had what I am going to say was a ‘Dream‘.

Not your usual run of the mill mind movie.

Nope!

I was having a fist fight with God, Himself. We were going at it tooth and nail for about an hour.

My Living Angel, Maria, once again was there for me. She had awoken from a dream about snakes attacking her and I at the same time as my battle.

She told me she had a sudden urge to check me and make sure I was okay.

She found me soaked from head to toe in sweat. Literally soaked to the skin!

And I was crying in my sleep.

She woke me up so as she could see what was happening to me.

Her inner alarms are in sync with mine and we always know what the the other is experiencing.

I often take her pains and/or sorrows.

She takes mine many times throughout the day and is willing to suffer what I go through, to allow me a few precious moments of painless excasty.

And being such a beautiful friend and soul mate makes me feel better than anything else can. I would not be here today if not for her love and support.

So ………. getting back to the fight with HIM. I was losing the battle and I fear if she had not awakened me, I would not have ever awoke.

But, what a discovered AFTER the dream incident is what this is about.

I wear my deceased Father’s Burial Rosary around my neck. Along with my other Blessed articles to help me beat this cancer.

Well, upon awakening I glance over at the Rosary and the Lord, Himself had abandoned His post.

Literally.

Jumped right off the cross.

Check out the picture below ……

You see that?

How did He get ripped from the Cross?

All I can say is that I am once again freaked out.

Especially knowing that had not Maria woke me I am positive I would have passed away.

As I was obviously going into severe shock from the massive amount of pain I am suffering from.

Pray It Forward – Pray for me.

Frack this Squamous Cell and ori- Pharyngeal Carcinomas.

Cancerous Emotions Cause Heartache

I have learned many things since I started this horrid battle against the Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinomas.

One of the most important, yet heartbreaking, being that having terminal cancer changes all aspects of life. Yours and every person connected to you in any and each way.

For the patient it is difficult enough. They must go through the various stages of coming to the realization that they do indeed have terminal cancer. And Death is intimate.

I was tortured through the first few stages of cancer acceptance.

First came the “Denial” .

I don’t have cancer. I want another and another opinion.”

Then came “Depression.”

The darkness crept in. The tears began to fall.

And of course this was followed by the demonic “Suicidal” stage.

I gave it serious consideration. Being a man who has been Blessed with loving family and dear friends, I was pulled from the bowels of this Demon.

And in all honesty it was just in the knick of time. I lie to you not

I am now in the “Acceptance” stage.

I am at peace with the diagnosis.

I am at war with the desease.

My soul mate, my family, my friends and everyone connected to my life get the smelly end of the stick.

They must stand helpless and full of guilt because they know not what they can do to alleviate my suffering.

(“SUFFER” is an understatement – what my precious loved ones had to witness was heartbreaking for me.)

Like I stated previously, I have no choice but to accept the “diagnosis“.

I DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE “TERMINAL” labelling.

They, my loved ones, will forever be stuck in the “Denial” stage.

For who wants their spouse, parent, child, best friend, etc. to be dying of not one, but two cancers?

The pain and sorrow I see in their eyes fuels my fires to beat this demonic affliction against all the odds that are stacked against me.

I cannot allow cancer in my body to cause pain and heartbreak in their hearts.

We have all changed personality wise. My many sons and I have grown much closer. As has my relationship with my dearest friend and deepest love. The relationship between my ex-wife of 32 years and I has become far more calm, for lack of a better word.

The pleasent side of this is I hear the words, “I love you.” often. Not spoken only to me, but being readily exchanged between family and friends.

What makes this far more heartwarming is not only do I hear the sincerity of the “I love you’s”, I have the Blessing to see the “love” being naturally expressed.

There is always something good trapped inside a disparaging situation. You simply have to identify and bring it to the surface so that it may be a Blessing for all.

The cancer emotions are severe – severe enough to destroy even the strongest and most faithful of souls.

I put my loved one through Hell on many occasions this past few months. Especially when I battled my way through the Denial and Suicidal phase.

I am still a very moody and cantankerous prick at times. I try not to be but it happens. I could blame the pain, or the depression, or the side effects of the opiates, but I blame myself. It is up to me to not take my frustration and sadness out on others.

This Cancer War has made me a grounded soul. I realize that I am far from immortal now. Life is far more precious now. I treasure each second of every minute of each hour I have with my loved ones.

I see more beauty in my soul mate – my dearest friend – Maria. I see how handsome my sons are. I appreciate the love as a friend my ex-wife and I can now share.

Greatest thing I have learned is that life has no time for drama or childish arguments. That one smile is capable of banishing a hundred frowns.

I learned to love MYSELF once again and to let the people I love know that I do truly appreciate and love them.

Yet, I hold that guilt and the sorrow of what I see in their eyes.

I wish they could and would believe that although I am living in a painful Hell, I will be fine. For this Original Urban Viking – the Last Canadian Cosmonaut is not ready for ascension.

I will beat this demonic affliction back to the dusty bowels of Helheim it came from.

Until then, I shall remain – Dann, just as I am