Category Archives: brain cancer

Few Will Believe That This Actually Happened After I Dreamt I Had A Fist Fight With God

Those who know me well know of my “LightHouse” gift/curse.

They also are very aware that I have many spiritual and Astral premonitions. Many good ‘Light‘ – others scary as a rabid monkey in your underwear.

Last night, during a torturous attempt to sleep while the cancerous tumors eat away at my brain stem, I had what I am going to say was a ‘Dream‘.

Not your usual run of the mill mind movie.

Nope!

I was having a fist fight with God, Himself. We were going at it tooth and nail for about an hour.

My Living Angel, Maria, once again was there for me. She had awoken from a dream about snakes attacking her and I at the same time as my battle.

She told me she had a sudden urge to check me and make sure I was okay.

She found me soaked from head to toe in sweat. Literally soaked to the skin!

And I was crying in my sleep.

She woke me up so as she could see what was happening to me.

Her inner alarms are in sync with mine and we always know what the the other is experiencing.

I often take her pains and/or sorrows.

She takes mine many times throughout the day and is willing to suffer what I go through, to allow me a few precious moments of painless excasty.

And being such a beautiful friend and soul mate makes me feel better than anything else can. I would not be here today if not for her love and support.

So ………. getting back to the fight with HIM. I was losing the battle and I fear if she had not awakened me, I would not have ever awoke.

But, what a discovered AFTER the dream incident is what this is about.

I wear my deceased Father’s Burial Rosary around my neck. Along with my other Blessed articles to help me beat this cancer.

Well, upon awakening I glance over at the Rosary and the Lord, Himself had abandoned His post.

Literally.

Jumped right off the cross.

Check out the picture below ……

You see that?

How did He get ripped from the Cross?

All I can say is that I am once again freaked out.

Especially knowing that had not Maria woke me I am positive I would have passed away.

As I was obviously going into severe shock from the massive amount of pain I am suffering from.

Pray It Forward – Pray for me.

Frack this Squamous Cell and ori- Pharyngeal Carcinomas.

Advertisements

Cancerous Emotions Cause Heartache

I have learned many things since I started this horrid battle against the Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinomas.

One of the most important, yet heartbreaking, being that having terminal cancer changes all aspects of life. Yours and every person connected to you in any and each way.

For the patient it is difficult enough. They must go through the various stages of coming to the realization that they do indeed have terminal cancer. And Death is intimate.

I was tortured through the first few stages of cancer acceptance.

First came the “Denial” .

I don’t have cancer. I want another and another opinion.”

Then came “Depression.”

The darkness crept in. The tears began to fall.

And of course this was followed by the demonic “Suicidal” stage.

I gave it serious consideration. Being a man who has been Blessed with loving family and dear friends, I was pulled from the bowels of this Demon.

And in all honesty it was just in the knick of time. I lie to you not

I am now in the “Acceptance” stage.

I am at peace with the diagnosis.

I am at war with the desease.

My soul mate, my family, my friends and everyone connected to my life get the smelly end of the stick.

They must stand helpless and full of guilt because they know not what they can do to alleviate my suffering.

(“SUFFER” is an understatement – what my precious loved ones had to witness was heartbreaking for me.)

Like I stated previously, I have no choice but to accept the “diagnosis“.

I DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE “TERMINAL” labelling.

They, my loved ones, will forever be stuck in the “Denial” stage.

For who wants their spouse, parent, child, best friend, etc. to be dying of not one, but two cancers?

The pain and sorrow I see in their eyes fuels my fires to beat this demonic affliction against all the odds that are stacked against me.

I cannot allow cancer in my body to cause pain and heartbreak in their hearts.

We have all changed personality wise. My many sons and I have grown much closer. As has my relationship with my dearest friend and deepest love. The relationship between my ex-wife of 32 years and I has become far more calm, for lack of a better word.

The pleasent side of this is I hear the words, “I love you.” often. Not spoken only to me, but being readily exchanged between family and friends.

What makes this far more heartwarming is not only do I hear the sincerity of the “I love you’s”, I have the Blessing to see the “love” being naturally expressed.

There is always something good trapped inside a disparaging situation. You simply have to identify and bring it to the surface so that it may be a Blessing for all.

The cancer emotions are severe – severe enough to destroy even the strongest and most faithful of souls.

I put my loved one through Hell on many occasions this past few months. Especially when I battled my way through the Denial and Suicidal phase.

I am still a very moody and cantankerous prick at times. I try not to be but it happens. I could blame the pain, or the depression, or the side effects of the opiates, but I blame myself. It is up to me to not take my frustration and sadness out on others.

This Cancer War has made me a grounded soul. I realize that I am far from immortal now. Life is far more precious now. I treasure each second of every minute of each hour I have with my loved ones.

I see more beauty in my soul mate – my dearest friend – Maria. I see how handsome my sons are. I appreciate the love as a friend my ex-wife and I can now share.

Greatest thing I have learned is that life has no time for drama or childish arguments. That one smile is capable of banishing a hundred frowns.

I learned to love MYSELF once again and to let the people I love know that I do truly appreciate and love them.

Yet, I hold that guilt and the sorrow of what I see in their eyes.

I wish they could and would believe that although I am living in a painful Hell, I will be fine. For this Original Urban Viking – the Last Canadian Cosmonaut is not ready for ascension.

I will beat this demonic affliction back to the dusty bowels of Helheim it came from.

Until then, I shall remain – Dann, just as I am

THE FACES OF MY CANCER – ‘That part’.

Some may find the visual aids within to be too emotional for many people. The written media also targets at the minimum 14 years plus.)

Here are some pictures from various stages of my Cancer treatment.

“I have always been highly spiritual. Rarely religious.

My Queen Heals Me Spiritually

AS YOU CAN SEE I LOOKED FINE.

But, I had slowly been feeling flu like syptoms for a few weeks at this point.

I spent most mornings reflecting about life. Subliminal messages telling me to beware.

I should have not procrastinated.

Nightsweats became daysweats

7

I have a strong survivalists side. I do not lay down in a battle. It is an Irish Genetic Inheritance.

There’s humour in all instances of life. I soon had to find reasons to smile.

Hospital stay 7. Combined weeks since January 4th, 2019, equal 19, so far.

The smiles are half truths. I hide many emotions. Or rather, I ‘used’ to hide them. Now, I let the truth be told.

THE PRINCESS MARGARET CANCER HOSPITAL. I AM VERY BLESSED TO BE UNDER THE WORLD CLASS CARE THAT THEY GIVE. MANY DO NOT HAVE THIS TYPE OF EXCELLENCE AND PROFESSIONALISM.

This pain is relentless. None stop for two weeks now. 24/7, has not stopped once.

It is by far the worse pain I have ever experienced. And pain and I are lifelong buddies.

This pain is a b*dstard!!!!

Many battles won. No losses. Round Two! Finish HIM!!!!

So, this is just a tidbit of the Faces I have and must endure. There are smiling ones with genuine joy. There are sad ones with devastating sorrow. There are bland boring pictures and there are silly ‘selfies‘ taken inthe middle of a night when sleep evaded.

Here are 3 pictures that tell exactly how 18 hours of my day presently go.

Picture 1 – Pain rushes in like an out-of-control freight train. All I can do is squeeze my skull as tightly as possible and strap in for the ride.

Picture 2 – Accept that it is what it is. Unstoppable, untreatable pain. Let the tears flow – they earned their journey.

Picture 3 – Recover. No time for this to be stealing moments that are best held for love and joy. Cry it out. Hold my head high and dance in my Light.

I am an Urban Viking. The last of the Canadian Cosmonauts.

Cancer is soon to be dumbfounded when I kick it’s demonic ass into the dust of Hell whence it came.

I had a double session of radical radiation therapy every morning and another double set every afternoon for 20 days. 80 treatments, 20 days.

STRAPPED DOWN – MY VERY FIRST TREATMENT

Amazing technology

GRADUATION DAY!!!

I kept my mask. A gentle, but stark reminder of this “Walk With Dann.”

March 2, 2019 4a.m.- My spleen literally exploded. I bled out. I was brought back.

The surgeon and various doctors could only say one word to describe the recovery and my being alive.

“MIRACLE”

“Valhalla does not wish for my company and Helheim has a Peace Bond on me.”

I will post a few more similar blogs such like this one.

To add a face to my “Diary of An Old Man With The C”.

Until then I shall be wruting in the two works I have in ‘progress’.

I want to leave behind my story for my future generations to understand who and why I was placed upon this beautiful blue marble.

Till then,

Adieu

Cuatro en La Mañana Pensamientos Profundos

Mi alma gemela está fuera para una mini-excursión para limpiar su hermosa mente de su madre y yo luchando contra el cáncer en etapa 4 tardía.

Es desgarrador verla sufriendo mi dolor.

Antes de que ella incluso saliera de Toronto, tuve ese nudo retorcido de soledad que agarró mis testículos.

Sé muy bien que pronto estará en casa, pero “el corazón es un cazador solitario”.

Lo mío está en una nube solitaria de Apreciación y Amor.

PORQUE ME AMO Y APRECIO A MÁS ALLÁ DE CUALQUIER PALABRA QUE AUTOR AQUÍ.

Ella sabe el peso de mi Devoción y cada onza singular de amor verdadero que llevo por ella.

No hay duda si eso. Esperaré su regreso con el corazón bien abierto y los brazos levantados en Alabado sea Dios.

Porque el Señor Salvador me bendijo con el privilegio de amarla.

Y lo hago La amo inmensamente y 100% veraz.

…………………………………………………………….

My soul mate is away for a mini-excursion to clear her beautiful mind from her Mother and I both battling late stage 4 cancer.

It is heartbreaking to see her suffering my pain.

Before she even flew out of Toronto I had that twisted knot of loneliness grab my testicles.

I know darn well that she will soon be home, but the “heart is a lonely hunter”.

Mine lays in a solitary cloud of Appreciation and Love.

FOR I DO LOVE AND APPRECIATE HER BEYOND ANY WORDS I AUTHOR HERE.

She knows the weight of my Devotion and each singular ounce of true love I carry for her.

There is no doubt if that. I will await her return with my heart wide open and my arms raised in Praise God. For the Lord Savior Blessed me with the privilege of loving her.

And I do. I love her immensely and 100% truthfulness.

Got Them Monday Cancer Blues

When it comes to the Cancers, it’s the constant “hurry-up and wait” game that lays responsible for fifty percent of my stress.

I despise waiting, unless for a cab or a bus.

Waiting on the Specialists, the Surgeons, the Radiologist Oncologist, the Surgical Oncologist, the General Practitioners and the various Nurse, Psych and Support Staff is extremely nerve wracking.

This is compounded by the seriousness of my current status. I am now classified as “Late Stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma”. Presently, “Non-Treatable”. “Terminal” if suitable and efficient therapy is not developed.

That is “Stephen King Scary.”

In Princess Margaret Cancer Center’s defence, I must say that no singular party is the blame.

The system is well stretched to the maximum, yet the Hospital still manages to get the patients through.

Yes, we may have to wait. Not long for most procedures or test results. Usually with in hours as an in-patient and a day as an out-patient. I have many an occasion to base this on.

I am waiting because I have SURPASSED the treatment window for conventional chemo or radiation therapies.

Hence, my signing on to my previous radical radiation therapy regime of a double round of experimental rad each morning and another six hours later.

In a 20 day therapy I received 80 doses. I graduated March 1st, 2019 from a successful run.

A miracle in my books.

March 2nd, 2019 at 4 in the morning my Spleen decided to self-destruct and explodes in my belly.

If not for my living mere blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital, I would not be writing this. I bled out in the ambulance.

I have very rare blood. Hard to obtain on a good day.

4 & 1/2 hours in O.R.

By lunch time that day I had received 16 liters of rapidly infused fluids.

Including:

4 pints whole blood

2 pints red blood cell concentrate

1 liter iron sucrose

And Ringer’s Lactate and various other fluids.

I was dead (again) – Number 9.

I was not looking so well when I woke up in I.C.U. – but, many professionals and family alike where awful surprised when I started speaking.

In October, 2018, I weighed in naked at 168 pounds.

By mid-March, 2019, I weighed barely 102 pounds in Hospital garb.

This decimated corpse is not laying down!!!!!!

For I am “The Original Urban Viking” and Cancer does not scare me.

Waiting does.

For, I know not what I am waiting for.

I know they must biopsy the ulcers in my throat. A very difficult task considering the obstruction of the swelling caused by necrosis laced flesh. This and my previous incubation difficulties make the simple biopsy a surgical operation under anesthesia.

Apparently, it will come with a painful recovery.

I can handle the pain.

I do extremely well with pain control once I know the source.

By knowing I can focus my Meditation, my Crystals, my Mineral & Stone Buddhist Bracelets and my Legion of Mary energies upon the Cancer directly.

Believe or not. I believe. Even the Treatment Team agree that there was no way I should have survived the Spleen rupture.

Their words, not mine:

ONLY EXPLANATION IS SIMPLY, ‘A MIRACLE'”

I still get shivers even typing it.

Changed my life for evermore. My Faith and Spirituality grew stronger.

I have always had a strong spiritual belief. Brought on by my 8 previous “Life AFTER Death Experiences”.

(Long story – read my autobiographical series, ‘Walk With Dann Collection.)

Waiting scares me and I do not scare easily.

Waiting for the biopsy. Waiting, most of all, that hopefully these gifted surgeons, doctors, nurses, social workers, grief counselors and all the Team can come up with an attack plan.

Otherwise, I could and will soon ascend. This has not been hidden from me.

Yet, as scared as I am, I am equally confident.

Valhalla is not ready for my soul.

Helheim declares me, ‘Persona non Gratis’

I have a calling.

I have yet to understand what the calling is, but I feel it’s mighty presence rising from my very soul.

My time is not now. My death, (I despise that term – (I prefer ‘ascension’) – will devastate too many innocent souls.

My wife, my sons, my adopted sons, my precious Maria, my best friend for life, Terry, Candace, who has graciously opened her home and heart to me do not deserve nor can handle just now, such a dark blow.

So, I simply will not go – I refuse to ascend till I have successfully completed…..

Firstly – properly preparing all my Family and Loved Ones for my ascension.

Be it of natural cause.

Or trauma incurred with my “Do Not Resuscitate” clause.

My previous blog explains why

OR…..

I invoke my “Death With Dignity” contract. Let me tell you right now that I would have to be in one superstorm of a Hell Hurricane to invoke such.

So, I sit here scared.

Secondly – as I have stated, and as numerous member of my Prayer Army can attest, I have a Calling”.

I know soon it will reveal to me exactly what I am Blessed to undertake.

As the Jewish say:

‘HINENI’

‘I AM READY MY LORD’

I used this term previously when I spoke of giving-up, laying down to waste away and, yes, even suicidal thoughts.

I should bow my head in shame to use such a Holy statement in such a Dark thought.

I am ready to begin my quest. I am ready to use my gift of Light and my past life lessons to tackle whatever tasks lay ahead in this, most definitely,

“Final walk with Dann”.

I will wait, still.

WHY, YOU ASK?”

What choice do I have but to wait till I know my purpose?

I am scared of waiting, yet, I am waiting to be scared.

I do my best work under pressure.

I will fight this demonic cancer with determination, your Prayers, your Love and my Creator’s will.

I have believed that I may have been Rasputin in another plain of space/time continuum.

They have poisoned me, stabbed me, shot me and once tried to drown me.

To quote Elton John:

I’m still standing. Even after all these years.”

I have Faith. Not your typical, “Oh now you have cancer you pray to God?”

My Faith has always been present. For years hidden incognito within my eclectic personality.

My devotion to my Spirituality is my weapon. My fearlessness of Ascension is my Army.

Hineni