A Room To Die For

Since I began my cancer battle on October 22, 2018, my life has been trapped in a chaotic circle of good and bad.
By far the worse of everything that has happened to me was becoming homeless.
33 and a half weeks in and out of the hospital last year did not help.

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With great thanks to my Brother-in-arms, Gordie Jones, my Brother-from-another-mother, I was Blessed to obtain a room in the same house as him.

It is not too often you can find a clean, well maintained rooming house anywhere. I have thanks to Gordie.

God Bless him.

This house is QUIET. This house is CLEAN.

This house is now my home.

It will be my last home. For never shall I allow myself to fall victim to homelessness again.

What pleases me the most about the whole scenario is the mixture of souls we have living here in peace and respect for each others Faith and Cultures.

We have myself – a fifth generation Canadian born Irish Catholic. As is Gordie.
Then we have an Aboriginal woman – very much into her Culture. A very pleasent soul.
Three Muslims who are well educated and very grateful to be Canadians.

It is much like we have our own little micro-country. And I LOVE IT!

In this time of racial tensions and bigotry it is a pleasure to have such a place to lay my head.

Once you enter this dwelling all religion, all racism, all ignorance and all disrespect remain outside.

So, if the lot of us can co-exist even while in lock-down due to the Covid pandemic, why can’t the whole world follow suite?

Think about it.

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Clips

There is always a bright side to every dark side.

Life is like a series of storms – some small others big.

All you have to remember is that no matter what kind of storm it is……

Be it a tired mature body depressed in a corner.

Or perhaps it could be a Blessing of some Healing Light.

The Darkness will creep in through pathways created from your fear, depression and/or anxiety.

No matter how Dark your thoughts

REACH OUT TO SOMEONE

REMEMBER IT IS ALWAYS
SUNNY ABOVE THE CLOUDS
.

That is why we “soar upwards towards the Heavens.

It is why I am “LightHouse“.

Shining my beacon of Light to those of need. Even though I am in desporate need myself.

Being homeless again

I live a Light Keepers life. Solitary man in a crowded room with a false smile and little hope

The kind soul masking their physical and emotional pain so as they can put a smile on a needed face.

I have, at times, put my pain aside so as I could assist others. Many times actually.

We need to teach our youth that the pen, the almighty keyboard and the glorious internet are weapons of mass social change.

That violence needs to take a break. It shall never be fully gone. It is a genetic survival type of thing

This is a modern time and a time like no other. It is a desprate time for mankind for we are declining into global chaos and all parties involved are feeding the fire.

The world wide insanity of these past few years has turned the logical way of life. upsidedown.

Children – young children – no longer have morning Prayer but they can sit at the age of 5 or 6 and learn about gender this or that.

A time of man where you can go to jail for touching your first breast 42 years prior.

A time to fight our neighbours in debates.

Not in the sewers of our infrastructure.

The suicide rates are climbing rapidly in Canada.

Our First Nation’s children live in dispair and poverty of a third world nation.

They have been plagued with suicides of many of their youth. Some the tender age of 10 or 11.

Why?

I wish I knew the answer because Christmas Morning 2019 my 29 year old son hung himself.

Suicide only makes you think it is truly the only answer. The damage and pain it causes is far, far lasting and will bring a lifelong agony for loved ones and friends.

I am speaking first hand here. I fight the suicide demon daily.

Isolating can only give the Dark thoughts free reign of very ability to see due to your choice to hide.

We are on our 5th generation of Babies having babies.

Suicide rates are rising world wide.

There are many little electrical trucks driving, floating in our heads; that work together collectively as a unit, thus giving us the ability to be constantly connected to our internal computer and the processing knowledge.

Problem being we have filled it with many misleading false forms of information.

It is instinct. Instinct that also is struggling for survival itself.

They no longer teach cursive writing.

Nor home econmics.

Adult society is nerve racking on the best of days, but, it also is not being taught to our youth. One might think it would be wise to “prepare” them for “adulthood“.

Just a thought. ……………

Our technology has us held hostage.

Forever chasing the next “g” highspeed internet connection.

Like an old vigina pirate chasing the g-string in the strippers club.

And most of these generations will be swallowed up.

Spending their lives trying to get off “Welfare” and on to the higher paying “Ontario Disibility Support Program“.

Forever to follow the ass in front of them as a good SHEEPLE should.

Living the learned Sheeple” attitude.

Forever dancing to the beat of an unknown drummer.

Obeying a triblistic hypnotic brain washing.

Every one is rushing to the next thing they will rush from.

Not often are they willing to Uber their asses home and prepare meal as family.

A meal made with love.

To sit at the table with no electronics and eat, drink and be merry with your closest loved ones. A Blessing of life with each childs smile.

A way to slowly re- install family values and teach them to take ownership of their rights and their wrongs. To teach them the value of communication.

The greatest joy to is to realize family is number one.

By the end of washing the dishes after such a fine sit down meal you will feel a special moment that your brain will file away in the recess of your mind till need be it requested.

A “Kodak Moment” as they say in my age.

The end result of what society has changed is a family structure that has been disolving into a cesspool of five consectutive “lost generations

Of babies raising babies and we have allowed it.

As seen a few times in recorded history, when the human population grows to the extent it will deplete Earth’s resources, an event of mass destruction will happen.

Hello Corona Virus 2020!

Could be a flood from the completely melted pole caps.

Or. …..

Hopefully it is a gigantic solar flare that disrupts our digital world and then society will see first hand how greatly we have NOT raised our youth.
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My life has been a year and few months of fighting my non treatable cancer and burying a loved one almost every two weeks.

And my baby hangs himself.

After hours talking to me from Alberta to home here in Toronto.

He assured me all was good.

He was sober and we talked about shows and sci fi.

He was fine. Till he did it.

You cannot lay blame on someone for a suicide.

The only one to blame is the person who made the wrong choice.

Like my eldest brother or my best friend.

Both by hanging.

I have a somewhat type of closure since we had Jordan’s Celebration of Life.

Suicide takes not only the life of the victim, but also of your truly loved ones.

Suicide kills families.

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Even if you think your anxiety or whatever affliction you have been burdened with is insignificant, Reach out – frack being nervous or afraid.

Reach out to whoever you must.

To box it all in is a definite mistake big time.

Do not give the Darkness of your life the opportunity to cloud your logical side.

Soar above that and reach out for help.

Living Angels are in many places.

With many faces.

When you need yours they will come.

The losing of your child, no matter what their age, cannot be compared to any other pains.

I will leave you now in Hope and in my Prayers. If you are having serious depression or anxiety or just need an ear and a shoulder,

REACH OUT REACH OUT.

SOAR ABOVE THE STORM CLOUDS.

FOR IT IS ALWAYS A SUNNY GLORIOUS DAY ABOVE AND STORMY CLOUD

So sayeth LightHouse Dann Verner.

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Suicide Is Not “PAINLESS”

Christmas will never exist in my life after this year.

My son, Delaney Jordan, committed suicide yesterday. December 25th, 2019.

Left to Right:Me,Jordan,Randy

Left to Right: Jordan, Randy and I.

He and his wife, Katelyn, decided to relocate from Toronto, Ontario to Black Diamond, Alberta.

They had made the decision to start a new life in a new province with new friends.

Alberta was not good to them at all. When they first arrived they did their best to try and secure employment. Kate succeeded by finding a part time job at a subway sandwich shop.

Social Services absolutely refused to help them in any way. Even at Christmas.

They were actually quite rude to both Katelyn and Jordan.

This led to depression for both of them. They could not believe that a government agency could care less that they were homeless and possibly going to freeze to death on the street.

They had made plans to scrimp and save until they had enough to return to their native Toronto. Perhaps to start a new life here or where ever. 

My baby boy had troubles with depression and anxiety most his life. From about the age of six or seven.

To make a long story short, at that age he was very intelligent, Grading 142 on his I.Q. tests. This intelligence became a cursed yoke around his neck during his most important years. He could not attend regular classes as he found the work too boring. Idle hands get into trouble.

And now, here on Boxing Day, I sit and I cry. 

For depression has stolen my son, my baby, my Bubba and I do not know what to do, where to turn or what to think.

As most of you know I am still fighting terminal cancer and advancing heart disease. 

And now …… my baby is gone. 

And I am broken.  Very much so ……….

Tomorrow my wife and I will make arrangements to bury our son.

Then we will cry ………..

I have set up a very necessary GoFundMe Campaign to hopefully raise enough to bring my son and his wife home

GoFundMe Campaign To Bring My Sons Remains Back Home

New G-Tube and Final Assessments

I had my g-tube implanted yesterday. This one is for life. I am still eating normal foods that I can tolerate. It is painful.

Eventually the cancer will destroy my tongue and esphogus and then the gtube will be a necessity.

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After a very long and deep consultation with my Treatment Team we decided that it is best I remain as an inpatient.

This gives them the time and opportunity to run a battery of tests and thorough scans to come up with a timeline which will give us a rough idea how long my body can handle this beating.

I feel relieved in a way. I imagine it is a type of ‘closure’. A heavy yoke of fears and anxieties have been lifted from my shoulders.

Still, I bear the guilt of what this has done to my family and my friends.

Yes for sure. It has been a very emotional trip.

Not a pleasent one for any of us by far.

But at least I can pick the time and the way. When that time is here.

With the care I am receiving now I can honestly say I know I have a few months maybe longer.

I am glad I am off the Fentanyl and morphine. It was just an affiction no man wants or needs. It was not helping with the pain.

Just 8mgs of hydromorphone (Dilaudid), every four hours and a break through medication on top of that is what we have found works the best.

I do not carry the ‘fear’ any longer. Nor the ‘suicidal‘ tendencies.

I discovered early on that there are stages to the cancer battle.

I have gone through “DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION, SUICIDIAL, ACCEPTENCE and RAGE” . I suspect there are more stages yet to go through.

Tomorrow will tell more. In the morning I will open that door.

Culling The Herd

I am better than what the doctors say. They have me dead any day now.

I meditate often.  I always have. I don’t sit in a hippie stance with candles burning.moaning “OM!”.

You can meditate while preparing supper.

And I always give appreciation and love to Mother Earth – for we are merely specks of dust and an annoyance unless we work and play Her way.

B.C. and its beauty is Mother Earth at her finest. And an ocean storm is Her when we have pissed her off.

Soon She is going to cull the herd and She will wipe many of us from Her surface.

And our ‘modern’ society will return to a simpler time where barter systems assured everyone ate.

It has happened many times – five times in our recorded history. The Black Plague almost took us back to Neandrothal times. It is my personal favourite.  Mind you a good volcanic eruption excites the genitales.

But, I have said this since my hippie phase.

We only THINK we are the SUPERIOR race and the most intelligent animal on the planet because no other creature can understand us.

And they have no desire to talk to us.

Oddly, all the other living things on this once beautifil Big Blue Marble can communicate
with one another.

Even the plant life speaks.

The apple turns colour and falls to the ground to tell the deer to come eat. The deer scent attracts the mountain lion. The bloody deer carcass tells the Raven the buffet is now open and free.  And the magical circle of existence goes on and on.

Meanwhile, “modern man” is over here eating mint Oreo’s and raping inflatable Zebra”s waiting for the welfare cheque to come.

We only “rent” our space here.
We are very bad tenants.
We are going to be evicted.
Only the strong, devoted and Indigenous will survive.

For we are the ones who truly love and understand the beauty of living for we have already lived our death.

My rant is done.
My day complete.
For a bag of Jelly Beans
I would kiss your feet.
Namaste’