I Cannot ‘DO’ This

I have tried and tried to keep myself on the positive side of all this.

I knew if I were to start crying the tears wouldn’t stop.

I realize now that there is no positive side.

And the tears will not stop.

For where lays the positive side of dying a slow, very painful death?

Show me.

My Maria Angelica M who had said she would always be there for me through out this has up and walked away.

Her false vows of love meant nothing to her – easy to say, but much to me on this tearful darkened day.

Her anger misplaced on my shoulders leaving a trail of blame on my heart.

I am losing my home. I have no time to find a place before months end.

I have lost my beloved Maria Angelica M or perhaps she has lost me.

I have the love of Roy, Dakota, Lisa, Randy & Emma in my immediate life.

I have the extended love of family & my many friends.

But, as I have feared, the tears are here and they just will not stop.

Where is that shoulder to cry on Maria Angelica M?

Oh yes, I forgot.

They were texted with false nailed fingers and etched onto my heart.

Some falsehood testimonials of how we would never be apart.

I discovered one lie after another and and the blame you sent to my heart.

Your love and devotion were quite easily redirected and here is the saddest part.

Your reason for running to another was the most hurtful part.

It took you but one minute to easily rip out my heart and here I do quote the answer you sent to me and destroyed this foolish heart.

I “pissed you off so you turned around”. and abandoned me for your love was a lie from the start.

I needed that shoulder to cry on. But in your deceit towards me you had already found some other arms to hold you so lovingly sweet.

I was shown by a mutual friend and saw through my own eyes on your Facebook these words you did speak.

They were not written for me, but another love in your life.

You may as well etched them with a knife for they have scarred my broken heart.

I needed your false love, if only to get through this one storm.

Then like the many other times in six years you could roam night after night.

And once again leave me crying at home for yet one more night.

I needed that shoulder. I needed your false love, if only to get through this one storm.

For a false love is better than no love when your whole world has fallen apart.

Now, like the skies out this hospital window, my very heart and soul have turned stormy and dark.

For …..

These tears are too real and the pain is too great.

For this broken man named Dann whose soul needs a break.

These tears are embarrassing as I sit here on display.

And pray to the Creator above to take me this day.

I will cross into oblivion when Death has her way.

How easy it was to deceive me with the words of love you say.

I know I sound foolish and broken for believing the love you did say.

I was raised never to say I love you unless the love would forever stay.

I cannot stop loving you forever more each day.

For my love is more real than your hurtful display.

#LightHouseDannVerner #FuckCancer

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Disgusted

I am absolutely disgusted – only word to describe it – that because of all the damn junkies abusing the system, cancer victims like myself no longer have their opioid pain medications covered.

Believe me, I need my pain medication. I don’t take them to get “high”. I take them to stop from crying.

Literally.

There should be some sort of regulation to bypass this punishment.

I am now in the position of choosing between groceries or medication. I have to choose “groceries”, for I have a child to feed.

All I can say is, “Fuck you pill head scum.”

Hope Is All We Really Have

So, final diagnosis from the surgeons …. oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium. And now in addition to that I have been diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma which has grown in the form of a very large tumor on the back of my tongue.

This tumor presents life threatening and serious consequences. Hence, my throat is closing up. On January 3rd, 2019 I will begin radical chemo/beam radiation treatment for periods of six and a half weeks, a short break and then repeated.

Also, I have to have a surgically implanted feeding tube installed and a trachea breathing airway in my throat and a port-a-cath for administrating medications and such.

I have battled many things in my life, but this will be my greatest battle of all. I am scared. I am not ashamed to admit that. I cry at night. I cry when no one but my soulmate can see or hear. I have the right to cry for I may very well not make it through this battlefield of treatment.

The doctors say if the Squamous Cell reaches my liver there will be little they can do other than dope me up and let me pass on to the next space/time continuum.

I have walked my seven paths on the seven continuum’s. The eighth you do not return for that is the one where the Light chooses you, not you choosing the Light.

If that is what lays before me, I am okay with it. I have lived a wild life, Blessed life – a life many would be jealous of. I have walked many different paths, a beggerman, a thief, a hippie, a biker, a vagabond, a father, a husband (a few times), an electrician, a poet and recently, an author.

To quote Kid Rock, “I have ate of dumpsters and I have dined with Kings.”

I would do it all over again if given the chance. My lifestyle and the choices I made, although often tragic, gifted me with meeting tens of thousands of people from every walk of life there is. I learned from them, I absorbed knowledge from every encounter and the greatest thing I was rewarded with was “SURVIVAL” .

I left my parents home at the age of 12. A mere snot nosed baby in diapers. I never went home since then.

Who does such a thing you may ask.

I do.

I am ‘LightHouse Dann Verner’.

A man who some say has lived many tragic lives.

The first decade of my life I had lived in thirty-two homes. None of which I ever spoke the words, “Mom or Dad”. Only “Mister or Misses”.

I started my ‘Walks’ at the age of ten fighting the monsters in my head. The demons were winning for many years.

I left my siblings Father’s house at the age of twelve to join a hippie commune and learned how to be a Heroin addict.

I have never slept in my father or mothers house since that day.

That was over fifty years ago.

Foster care, jails, pain, sorrow and addiction were my childhood friends.

My playgrounds were the streets.

My rocking horse a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

I learned how to survive the best I could. I learned the harsh realities of everyday life. I learned deceit, honesty, love, hate and most of all “HOPE”. I survived day by day hoping the next sunrise would be better.

Sometimes it was better. Sometimes it was not.

I have hope today. Hope that although there lays a fifty/fifty chance I will soon be ascending I will survive.

For hope is all we really have.

Namaste’

My Apologies

I have to apologize to everyone for the roller-coaster of emotions I have been going through.

I am having a difficult time dealing with the cancer diagnosis, the stress of my financial situation and all the ripple effects caused by these.

I am lost. I am 61. Very sick. I am in such a disastrous financial situation that may lead to our being homeless once again come the new year. This is mainly due to the identity theft I had earlier this year. It left me four months behind in all aspects of my finances.

The duo cancer diagnosis has devastated me and plays chaos with my emotions.

I am ashamed of myself for the financial crisis and for not being able to show Dakota a very good Christmas, if any Christmas at all.

The waiting for the treatment and surgeries for the cancer has and is causing me many sleepless nights and numerous anxiety attacks.

All this has greatly affected the way I have been treating my precious Maria, my family and my friends.

I apologize and I am trying hard to come to terms with the reality of what my life has become. But, it is not that easy.

D-day 4 Dann

I have cancer on my mind.

Literally ….. true story.

As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.

Which has migrated into my skull proper.

Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.

So,

Deja Vu.

Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.

The physical pain is insane.

Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.

I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.

And, Deja Vu.

Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.

The second night in a row.

Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.

I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.

BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.

I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.

I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.

I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.

I know the pain that inflicts all too well.

I am not dishonest in love.

I don’t lie about my emotions.

Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.

Who would want to claim a false love as real “love” ?

No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.

Many people contort the definition of “love”.

I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.

I love my ‘Queen’.

The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.

She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.

And one Corazon is all you get.

I have many friends.

The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.

I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.

But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.

Definitely not in a sexual way.

It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.

A completely different type of love.

Secondly,

My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….

“Walk With Dann” .

That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.

61 years of hurt I endured so far.

The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.

I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.

You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).

I am tired. Very, very tired.

Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.

Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.

You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.

For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.

Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.

I am tired of adult life.

I am very, very, very tired.

And now it is D DAY 4 Dann

Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,

or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,

or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.

Yahoo!!!!!!

Good news for some people … not so much me.

I am tired.

Very tired.

I am all alone in a crowded room.

That room called ‘life‘.

And I am tired.

As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”

“I’m ready my Lord”.

‘Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.

I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.

Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.

I want to.

I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.

I am tired of existing.

30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.

But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?

And I am tired, very tired.

I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.

Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.

I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.

No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.

And now …….

I am tired.

I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.

Be it sooner or much later.

I will smile as I enter either.

For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.

I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.

And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.

I have a huge decision to make today.

It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.

At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.

We will see what happens at the hospital.

I am tired and I want to go home.

Plus, I ain’t looking so well …

Deja vu – IRRITATED Nipple syndrome once again

I post this every Fall or in this case winter as here in Canada Irritated Nipple Syndrome is a reality. Mostly caused by our Northern winds and our lust for cheap polyester t-shirts. 

I have been plagued with this horrifying disease for nigh on 61 years now.

As fall has arrived I am once again plagued with the horrible INS, so, I am re-publishing a blog I wrote in November 2007

It seems to my contorted malformed outlook towards this self labeled existence your homo sapient species declare as humanity that as “Atomic Mother Earth” has another one of her annual menopausal temperature episodes, you are dancing in cohesion to her moods and wants.

If my memory does not fail me, then, I recall that not just twenty-four hours ago I was strolling the Danforth in a T-shirt and blue jeans. I recall my endocentric annoyance at the sweat gathering in the furrow of my brow as I glinted from the warm brightness of the summer comparable sunlight.

Yet, on this bright Thursday morn, “Atomic Mother Earth” has decided to plague me with the dreaded “Irritated Nipple Syndrome”. My whole life I suffered from “INS”. The symptoms of which is a debilitating and very sensitive soreness of the good old human teats.

There is nothing ever so painful as the abrasiveness of cheap blended polyester brushing to and fro upon the super-sensitive, and, often amusing to play with, human nipple. Specially on a day as such where the cold bitter bite of lakefront wind has made my twin pleasure buttons stand hard and tall like two minute penises and declare their existence.

I would give most anything at this moment for the feel of warm dressed cotton or, perhaps, even the sweet caress of perhaps ‘Cashmere’.

If you happen to discover that you indeed have a spare ‘real’ T-shirt, my nipples would greatly appreciate a donation of such. I fear the coming vengeance of the Arctic wind inspired season of Canada’s winter and her cold crippling affect on my self inflicted, physical abused ‘too-many years of heavy lifting’. humanoid form. (I take a size man’s small, because “The Cosmic Muffin” puts great things in very petite packages,

So, where was I headed before my nipples got in the way……………………….Oh Yes! I remember now. As “Mother Earth” begins her seasonal transformation also do they, you or whoever I may be referring to.

I diligently trucked out into the public domains yesterday afternoon to record to memory the strange rites and rituals of you humanoid robotic clones of a greater being, so as, when the Mothership returns, I shall have gathered enough intelligence as to please the supreme powers that be, and, thusly, I may rightfully be receiving the ever patronizing pat on my head and the salutary equation of “Dann is a good boy!”. Of which I will reply the ever grateful “Thank you” and sheepishly grin and drool.

There you were, dancing your rhythms of daily disclosure and bartering your extensively earned numerical bank notes called “The Paycheque” to purchase licorice strands of candied sugars to ensure the quietness of the distressed two year old as he struggles to gain freedom from the stroller so as he may run rampant and yet again test your patience quota.

If so howled the crisp breeze from Lake Ontario, then, immediately your upper limbs clutch to protect the ever sensitive nipples. Nipples appear to me as a large factor in your everyday lives This is something that with my outlook and learning’s of culture I find very interesting. How such a little pair of budded human tissue can hold such a great importance in daily routines is absolutely amazing.

If “Mother Earth” decides that today is too be a chilled one then instinctively your arms cover them. If “She” decides that, perhaps, tomorrow shall be warm then – again – you may choose to wrap your arms across your breast plate so as your nipples are not visible through your choosing to dress in light clothing due to the heated air of the day.

On a warm summer’s day at the beach, the young females readily douse their feline bodies with the refreshing and cool lake water, but then they must protect their nipples from the wanton eyes of juvenile males who are hoping and praying that “The Hairy Thunderer” will grant them the blessing of a visual aid only comparable to that of a “Wet T-shirt Contest”.

Winter brings the crossing of arms and the multi-layering of various sweaters purchased through the Bay, or, maybe, even Walmart. Oh, but the constrictions of layer upon layer of artificial body coverings and the labourious way the wearing of such creates many lost minutes of most precious time, time better spent with our nipples.

If, in your wonderment of life, you are to have such a thought as, “Does this happen to the male of the species?” I can assure your curiosity with a definite affirmation. Males do in fact suffer the same fate, although, due to infantile imbedded social lessons they must bravely and with no sign of pain appear invincible to the effects of exposing their nipples to us all.

I, alone, may be the only exception to the rule. For I, without modesty, bravely announce to you all that “I have Irritated Nipple Syndrome” and I have no decent, and neither can I afford to purchase, a ‘real’ T-shirt.

I embarrassingly admit that I may in fact need of your charity in order that I may have a cotton T-shirt to keep me warm through out the coming all out attack of winter. (again I hint that I take a size man’s small, because “The Cosmic Muffin” puts great things in very petite packages, inbox me for my address, lol.

If perchance you have a spare appropriate t-shirt I would be forever grateful if you were to donate them. You may send them in care of:

D. Verner, 608 Dawes Road, Suite 610, East York, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, M4B 2G6

All of the above mentioned observations have made me realize that by looking out my window and watching these humanoid lifeforms conduct their daily routines and dances, I can accurately determine the weather by how greatly the female Homo Sapient is clutching her breastplate. Such a simple but relatively accurate method of predetermining the weather. On the Mothership we are forced to depend on the science of meteorology and our daily session watching the universal weather channel on our installed satellite dish.

I bid you all a warm day in the emotional sense. I offer to you a simple concept to imbed into your daily routine – I offer that when your eyes are next to focus on your fellow man that your brain immediately sends forth but one word………..PEACE!

Good day to you and yours – Guter Tag zu Ihnen und zu Ihrem – Хороший день к вам и твоему – Bonne journée à toi et au vôtre – Buen día a usted y el suyo

My Indiegogo Campaign

Click the following link to review my Indiegogo Campaign ….

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/walk-with-dann-promotion/x/19859609#/

My Largest Battle To Date

I have been diagnosed with cancer in my neck and my head.

I am awaiting surgery any day now.

Many of my medications are not covered by my drug plan and I cannot afford the extra cost of traveling back and forth.

I cannot eat solid food and depend on friends to buy me Ensure meal replacements.

This has added extra stress and strain on my already weakened body.

And I know not what to do or where to turn.

As embarrassing as it is, I have turned to social media, Facebook, to ask for help.

I am also exploring a crowd funding program to hopefully get more advertising and exposure for my published books which will help by bringing in a minor supplementary income.

I will beat this demon cancer once again. I have already battled it twice now – most is in the attitude. Positivity creates positive results.

Valhalla is not ready for me, nor am I ready for it.

http://amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

Diagnosis: Cancer In The Neck And Head

So,since June, 2018 my throat increasingly grew more irritated and sore to the point I could no longer stand it.

On October 22, 2018 I saw an ENT specialist.

Diagnosis: cancer in my neck and head.

I fought the Big C demon twice before in my life.

1999 till 2002 I battled liver cancer. I was scared.

I just had my neck re-built. A result of thirty years of demolition, building and a very rough lifestyle. Followed by many motorcycle accidents and an industrial accident.

They did a complete dissection of my C2, C3, C5 & C6 vertebrae. Replacing them with bone donated from my right hip and Semple plates, screws, nuts & bolts.

And then the Creators slapped me with liver cancer.

Yet, I beat that Beast.

In 2005, the Beast demanded a re-match. This time it was gnawing on my bones.

Chewing up the hip I had donated bone from for the previous neck surgery.

Then attacking my few remaining teeth. Leaving me with six remaining.

As if not enough, it then chewed up my right foot resulting in it, too, needing to be completely re-built.

So, I beat that damn Beast again.

Now fast forward to present day…..

What I had hoped was merely a “sore” throat has turned out to be a collection of cancerous tumors on my tonsils, adenoids, lymph nodes and migrating towards my brain.

As I write this I am awaiting a CT scan and a following surgery. It shall hopefully be within the next two weeks.

They will be removing the afore mentioned parts and perhaps more – including my thyroid.

This does not trouble me. That would be the migration of tumors working their way towards my brain.

I like my brain. It’s iconic and extremely unique. Plus, we are very attached. Been together since my birth.

I only weight one hundred pounds with my clothes on. I jokingly say that my body is built like a rock band, “Nine Inch Nails” – for that is the size of my biceps.

It took 61 years to break this body.

You could go to the gym everyday and never be built like me.

I can barely eat. My esophagus is being pinched closed by the swelling organs and tumors within my throat.

My head aches beyond the pain of a severe migraine. I shed tears and find myself whimpering when I have solitary solitude. My nights are long.

I refused chemotherapy and radiation. It would definitely kill me if I were to attempt it

So, I will beat this damn Beast one more time.

I have to. My sons need me, I need them.

Mi fuego de mi Alma, mi Reina de mi Corazon would be broken hearted if the Beast should win.

I love her beyond love. I cannot allow her to suffer a broken heart. What type of person would break their closest love’s heart?

You can feel our love emanating from us in this picture.

I CANNOT LET MY BODY SUCCUMB TO THE RAVAGES OF CANCER!

HOW COULD I BREAK MY FAMILY AND LOVED ONE’S HEARTS?

And also, my other dearest loves. My constant companions, Princess Pringle and her sister, Princess Ruffles. They would surely fall I’ll in sorrow.

Sooooooo, I have a battle ahead of me. I am ready.

I have love from so many people – my kids, my ex-wife, my soulmate Maria, my very close nephews and true friends

I will beat this Demon.

It is just going to hurt.

Lol

But, she will be by my side. And I will receive healing from her love.

I am afraid, but I am also brave.

I Am Afraid of Darkness

I am afraid of the darkness, but not the dark.

The darkness pushes back the Light. Allowing sorrow, pain and discomfort to steal joy from your mind.

I try to push it back. Hoping to gain back my Light.

The dark does not scare me because my Light knows it is harmless. It takes merely the flick of a modern switch to drive the dark away.

The Darkness brings out evils and torment.

It lives and thrives in the soul.

Mocking your sorrow.

Laughing at the pain you have endured.

Only love of life, love of family and the love of a true soulmate can push back the Darkness.

I pray someday we will evolve to the point where Darkness is no longer.

Until then, I remain – Dann, just as I am.

Surrounded by the Darkness and wishing it were merely “The Dark”.

But, it is not – it has gripped my heart, my soul and my life in ugly arms.

And whispered in my ear,

“NO SOUP FOR YOU”