Dying Dann’s Adventures With Death #2 Frack Cancer!

It is 2 in the morning. I keep waking to scratch my self. Morphine itches. Side effect of living a life without pain.

I have had to up my opiod intake to fight the pain.

My neck is swelling. Not good at all.

Unlike my face, hands and feet this swelling does not go away. (My goatee has been doing a good job hiding it, though.)

To many I appear healthier. That is the bloating making me appear fat faced. An illusion.

I am at the worst stage I have had to deal with. I do not feel well at all.
There are numerous things I can no longer do. A flight of stairs is a challenge. Carry groceries home is no longer possible.
The neck swelling seems to be accelerating. Almost flush with the tip of my chin.
Which scares me. A couple of months ago I was more than willing to ascend.

Not now. I want to live.
No if’s, and’s or but’s.
I have to go on.
My wife, my sons and my pups need me.

I need them.

You can see the shape and massiveness of the tumor at the base of my tongue. Much larger than the camera made it appear as.

I can feel my airway getting a little smaller each day. A true cause for concern.

Soon people will notice my swollen throat. It is getting too big to hide.

Hence, this blog.

They will ask, “Is your cancer back?”

“It never left.” I will reply.

And cancer takes another of my dearest friends.

I lost another very dear friend today. Callng her “friend” does not honour her enough. She is/was my “sister.”

Over 40 years of knowing and loving each other. I would never have met my beautiful wife if not for Dawn Thomas (Doncaster).

Cancer finally won. She battled it three times in the past few years. She fought like a true Urban Viking.

I am outliving all my childhood and lifelong friends and relatives. That is not an easy experience.

The older I get the more sorrow I bear.

Some is our age. Some is not.

It is a heavy yoke of sorrow I wear.

Am I outliving all these Blessed souls as a form of penence?

Or is my mind making a mountain out of a molehill?

This ancient LightHouse is feeling old.

Old Man With The ‘C’

With every one hunkered down due to the Covid 19 pandemic I figured we all have time to read.

I am having a FREE eBook giveaway of my “Old Man With the ‘C’ – A Cancerous Walk With Dann’ which shows my 15 month battle with my non treatable Squamous Cell Carcinoma.

All proceeds of the paperback and eBook format go to Princess Margaret Cancer Centre.

We all have time to read, so help support a starving author.

To save you all money I did a second edition of my fictional series “Walking On Dawes Collection” and made a 3 books in 1.
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I also have done this with my autobiographical series “Walk With Dann Collection”. All 4 books in one. eimage

I am writing my son’s, Jordan, biography. On Christmas morning 2019 he ended his short 29 years of life and his story must be told.

I hope to have it published by the end of the month. It is titled, “Black Diamond”.

I also have 3 fictional books I am working on,
“Eye” – a collection of short stories.

“Ponderings” – a collection of randomness and opinions

And I am almost done my fictional volume, “That’s My Good Eye, Jimi” – a story of 4 Irish Canadian lads growing up in the South End of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada.

Clips

There is always a bright side to every dark side.

Life is like a series of storms – some small others big.

All you have to remember is that no matter what kind of storm it is……

Be it a tired mature body depressed in a corner.

Or perhaps it could be a Blessing of some Healing Light.

The Darkness will creep in through pathways created from your fear, depression and/or anxiety.

No matter how Dark your thoughts

REACH OUT TO SOMEONE

REMEMBER IT IS ALWAYS
SUNNY ABOVE THE CLOUDS
.

That is why we “soar upwards towards the Heavens.

It is why I am “LightHouse“.

Shining my beacon of Light to those of need. Even though I am in desporate need myself.

Being homeless again

I live a Light Keepers life. Solitary man in a crowded room with a false smile and little hope

The kind soul masking their physical and emotional pain so as they can put a smile on a needed face.

I have, at times, put my pain aside so as I could assist others. Many times actually.

We need to teach our youth that the pen, the almighty keyboard and the glorious internet are weapons of mass social change.

That violence needs to take a break. It shall never be fully gone. It is a genetic survival type of thing

This is a modern time and a time like no other. It is a desprate time for mankind for we are declining into global chaos and all parties involved are feeding the fire.

The world wide insanity of these past few years has turned the logical way of life. upsidedown.

Children – young children – no longer have morning Prayer but they can sit at the age of 5 or 6 and learn about gender this or that.

A time of man where you can go to jail for touching your first breast 42 years prior.

A time to fight our neighbours in debates.

Not in the sewers of our infrastructure.

The suicide rates are climbing rapidly in Canada.

Our First Nation’s children live in dispair and poverty of a third world nation.

They have been plagued with suicides of many of their youth. Some the tender age of 10 or 11.

Why?

I wish I knew the answer because Christmas Morning 2019 my 29 year old son hung himself.

Suicide only makes you think it is truly the only answer. The damage and pain it causes is far, far lasting and will bring a lifelong agony for loved ones and friends.

I am speaking first hand here. I fight the suicide demon daily.

Isolating can only give the Dark thoughts free reign of very ability to see due to your choice to hide.

We are on our 5th generation of Babies having babies.

Suicide rates are rising world wide.

There are many little electrical trucks driving, floating in our heads; that work together collectively as a unit, thus giving us the ability to be constantly connected to our internal computer and the processing knowledge.

Problem being we have filled it with many misleading false forms of information.

It is instinct. Instinct that also is struggling for survival itself.

They no longer teach cursive writing.

Nor home econmics.

Adult society is nerve racking on the best of days, but, it also is not being taught to our youth. One might think it would be wise to “prepare” them for “adulthood“.

Just a thought. ……………

Our technology has us held hostage.

Forever chasing the next “g” highspeed internet connection.

Like an old vigina pirate chasing the g-string in the strippers club.

And most of these generations will be swallowed up.

Spending their lives trying to get off “Welfare” and on to the higher paying “Ontario Disibility Support Program“.

Forever to follow the ass in front of them as a good SHEEPLE should.

Living the learned Sheeple” attitude.

Forever dancing to the beat of an unknown drummer.

Obeying a triblistic hypnotic brain washing.

Every one is rushing to the next thing they will rush from.

Not often are they willing to Uber their asses home and prepare meal as family.

A meal made with love.

To sit at the table with no electronics and eat, drink and be merry with your closest loved ones. A Blessing of life with each childs smile.

A way to slowly re- install family values and teach them to take ownership of their rights and their wrongs. To teach them the value of communication.

The greatest joy to is to realize family is number one.

By the end of washing the dishes after such a fine sit down meal you will feel a special moment that your brain will file away in the recess of your mind till need be it requested.

A “Kodak Moment” as they say in my age.

The end result of what society has changed is a family structure that has been disolving into a cesspool of five consectutive “lost generations

Of babies raising babies and we have allowed it.

As seen a few times in recorded history, when the human population grows to the extent it will deplete Earth’s resources, an event of mass destruction will happen.

Hello Corona Virus 2020!

Could be a flood from the completely melted pole caps.

Or. …..

Hopefully it is a gigantic solar flare that disrupts our digital world and then society will see first hand how greatly we have NOT raised our youth.
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My life has been a year and few months of fighting my non treatable cancer and burying a loved one almost every two weeks.

And my baby hangs himself.

After hours talking to me from Alberta to home here in Toronto.

He assured me all was good.

He was sober and we talked about shows and sci fi.

He was fine. Till he did it.

You cannot lay blame on someone for a suicide.

The only one to blame is the person who made the wrong choice.

Like my eldest brother or my best friend.

Both by hanging.

I have a somewhat type of closure since we had Jordan’s Celebration of Life.

Suicide takes not only the life of the victim, but also of your truly loved ones.

Suicide kills families.

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Even if you think your anxiety or whatever affliction you have been burdened with is insignificant, Reach out – frack being nervous or afraid.

Reach out to whoever you must.

To box it all in is a definite mistake big time.

Do not give the Darkness of your life the opportunity to cloud your logical side.

Soar above that and reach out for help.

Living Angels are in many places.

With many faces.

When you need yours they will come.

The losing of your child, no matter what their age, cannot be compared to any other pains.

I will leave you now in Hope and in my Prayers. If you are having serious depression or anxiety or just need an ear and a shoulder,

REACH OUT REACH OUT.

SOAR ABOVE THE STORM CLOUDS.

FOR IT IS ALWAYS A SUNNY GLORIOUS DAY ABOVE AND STORMY CLOUD

So sayeth LightHouse Dann Verner.

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LeRuz La Rose – You Need To Know Her

This blog I published awhile back.

Now, with the launch of her web page

leruzlarose.com

I felt it only proper to re-post with updates.

Okay y’all gotta listen here. A while back I had to write a blog about this Angel and her natural talent .

I told you all then that you have to know her.

From opera, Christmas , classical, modern and whatever genre there may be. Miss LeRuz La Rose puts 100% into it and makes old biker gangsters cry happy tears.

What she does for her Bronx community is beyond words.

I will let you go check her page and see the five thousand other endeavours she has.

This woman is so humble that she does not know she is a genuine Living Angel.

Which would explain why she must never sleep because she has numerous Praying It Forward shows or fundraising or something that benefits others on the go at any given time.

I get teary eyed EVERY time I watch or listen to her. Because true talent and pure hearts are my Heroin.

There is so much factory produced PERFORMERS out there.

There are but a handful of ENTERTAINERS .

Who will be the next Leonard Cohen or Ed Sheeran?

So my knowing Miss LeRuz story makes me overstand and understand that she is a true Living Angel.

I am rambling because such souls as hers are few and 50 years between. In 62 years I have discovered only one other and that was in 1999.

SO, BLESS HER WITH A WALK THROUGH HER SITE. YOU WILL BE BLOWN AWAY BY WHAT YOU READ. THEN GIVE HER YouTube MUSIC A LISTEN AND YOU ARE HOOKED.

I LISTEN TO HER CHRISTMAS TUNES EVERY DAY.

DO AN OLD, BUT GOOD LOOKING, BAD BOY A FAVOR AND CHECK THIS QUEEN OUT. YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED

Our ENTERTAINERS need our support to get past the mire of reality show and factory cloned PERFORMERS.

https://lighthousedannverner.wordpress.com/2018/03/30/leruz-la-rose-you-need-to-know-her/

Through a Facebook acquaintance, Carlos Colon, an excellent photographer, videographer and excellent editor, I was introduced to this divine artist.

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My first taste of her work was her single “The Way I Feel“.

The video captured my attention and I found myself adding it to my daily playlist. Carlos Colon’s magic eye captured her true form and her dance mesmerized me.

Rarely these days we are Blessed to see an actual talented artist perform.

Mainstream media prefers to make coin insulting our eyes and ears with factory produced artists or senseless songs with mindless repetitive lyrics.

This video says it all! It shows her talents without her even aware of how fantastic the said talent is.

The walk through the Park, her mind on love and bliss flows evenly and then, BAM!, at 1:47 seconds in she happens across an African Drum session and out comes her natural Nubian roots and she smashes the African Dance.

Personally, I fell in love at 1:48 seconds into the video.

Miss La Ruz is talented. And she just did not pop into the scene either. She started out in her preteens writing poetry and prose and then adding music.

It is obvious the influences of her quest to be a performer came from MoTown, Jazz and a touch of the Blues. You can feel the influences of bands such as ‘The O’Jays’, ‘The Supreme’s’ and ‘Minnie Riperton‘.

Her natural dance rhythms could only have been attained from growing up as a mere child and watching her elders move to their favorite tunes. I suspect her childhood was filled with Motown and old school jazz. You can feel the impact that era of music has had within her when watching and listening to her works.

And it is “WORK’. She paid her dues via never giving up on her dream.

At one point early in her career she stepped away from performing to further her education. It was at this time she taught herself how to play the piano.

Her decision to pursue a career as a performer came after she had attended the USDAN Camp. This led to her performing as an opera singer. Again we see how multi-talented LeRuz is.

Her ability to sing all or any genre of music is a gift from the Creator’s themselves.

Listen to how natural she performs “Sanctus/Benedictus” ……

Her vocal talents are beyond definition. My past Christmas song list began with her festive covers such as this ….

In short, Miss LeRuz La Rose is a talent worth following.

I have focused on her music, but she is far more than that. She is a song writer, singer, dancer, model, fashion designer, dancer and an actress.

She was Blessed to have performed in three Amas Musical Theatre productions.

In “GODSPELL” she starred as “Sonia”.

In “FOOTLOOSE” she played “Rusty”.

And in “ON THE TOWN” she played “Ms. Turnstile”

Her stage debuts were followed with a stint in the band “Bitter Sweet”.

Unfortunately for them, she left to pursue her solo career. Signing with the legendary B-Boy Records/Boogie Down Productions in 2007.

It is not that often an artist catches my soul and she has done just that. I believe it is her diversity that attracts me the most.

I could go on and on about her performances, but jog over to YouTube and show her some love and discover for yourself.

NOW ……..

Here is a little kicker that shows the dedication and drive this young Nubian Queen has …

“ARK BELIE WINE”

Yes, you read right. She has diversified herself as an entrepeneur and has co-founded a wine label.

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Listen to her cover of “Minnie Riperton’s – Loving You” …

In conclusion trust when I say that rarely are there talents such as we have been gifted with by artists such as Miss LeRuz La Rose.

Here are a few more of my favorite tunes by her and following is various links to her works.

And here are a few pictures of this fabulous artist…….

New G-Tube and Final Assessments

I had my g-tube implanted yesterday. This one is for life. I am still eating normal foods that I can tolerate. It is painful.

Eventually the cancer will destroy my tongue and esphogus and then the gtube will be a necessity.

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After a very long and deep consultation with my Treatment Team we decided that it is best I remain as an inpatient.

This gives them the time and opportunity to run a battery of tests and thorough scans to come up with a timeline which will give us a rough idea how long my body can handle this beating.

I feel relieved in a way. I imagine it is a type of ‘closure’. A heavy yoke of fears and anxieties have been lifted from my shoulders.

Still, I bear the guilt of what this has done to my family and my friends.

Yes for sure. It has been a very emotional trip.

Not a pleasent one for any of us by far.

But at least I can pick the time and the way. When that time is here.

With the care I am receiving now I can honestly say I know I have a few months maybe longer.

I am glad I am off the Fentanyl and morphine. It was just an affiction no man wants or needs. It was not helping with the pain.

Just 8mgs of hydromorphone (Dilaudid), every four hours and a break through medication on top of that is what we have found works the best.

I do not carry the ‘fear’ any longer. Nor the ‘suicidal‘ tendencies.

I discovered early on that there are stages to the cancer battle.

I have gone through “DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION, SUICIDIAL, ACCEPTENCE and RAGE” . I suspect there are more stages yet to go through.

Tomorrow will tell more. In the morning I will open that door.