Category Archives: spiritual

I Cannot ‘DO’ This

I have tried and tried to keep myself on the positive side of all this.

I knew if I were to start crying the tears wouldn’t stop.

I realize now that there is no positive side.

And the tears will not stop.

For where lays the positive side of dying a slow, very painful death?

Show me.

My Maria Angelica M who had said she would always be there for me through out this has up and walked away.

Her false vows of love meant nothing to her – easy to say, but much to me on this tearful darkened day.

Her anger misplaced on my shoulders leaving a trail of blame on my heart.

I am losing my home. I have no time to find a place before months end.

I have lost my beloved Maria Angelica M or perhaps she has lost me.

I have the love of Roy, Dakota, Lisa, Randy & Emma in my immediate life.

I have the extended love of family & my many friends.

But, as I have feared, the tears are here and they just will not stop.

Where is that shoulder to cry on Maria Angelica M?

Oh yes, I forgot.

They were texted with false nailed fingers and etched onto my heart.

Some falsehood testimonials of how we would never be apart.

I discovered one lie after another and and the blame you sent to my heart.

Your love and devotion were quite easily redirected and here is the saddest part.

Your reason for running to another was the most hurtful part.

It took you but one minute to easily rip out my heart and here I do quote the answer you sent to me and destroyed this foolish heart.

I “pissed you off so you turned around”. and abandoned me for your love was a lie from the start.

I needed that shoulder to cry on. But in your deceit towards me you had already found some other arms to hold you so lovingly sweet.

I was shown by a mutual friend and saw through my own eyes on your Facebook these words you did speak.

They were not written for me, but another love in your life.

You may as well etched them with a knife for they have scarred my broken heart.

I needed your false love, if only to get through this one storm.

Then like the many other times in six years you could roam night after night.

And once again leave me crying at home for yet one more night.

I needed that shoulder. I needed your false love, if only to get through this one storm.

For a false love is better than no love when your whole world has fallen apart.

Now, like the skies out this hospital window, my very heart and soul have turned stormy and dark.

For …..

These tears are too real and the pain is too great.

For this broken man named Dann whose soul needs a break.

These tears are embarrassing as I sit here on display.

And pray to the Creator above to take me this day.

I will cross into oblivion when Death has her way.

How easy it was to deceive me with the words of love you say.

I know I sound foolish and broken for believing the love you did say.

I was raised never to say I love you unless the love would forever stay.

I cannot stop loving you forever more each day.

For my love is more real than your hurtful display.

#LightHouseDannVerner #FuckCancer

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Disgusted

I am absolutely disgusted – only word to describe it – that because of all the damn junkies abusing the system, cancer victims like myself no longer have their opioid pain medications covered.

Believe me, I need my pain medication. I don’t take them to get “high”. I take them to stop from crying.

Literally.

There should be some sort of regulation to bypass this punishment.

I am now in the position of choosing between groceries or medication. I have to choose “groceries”, for I have a child to feed.

All I can say is, “Fuck you pill head scum.”

D-day 4 Dann

I have cancer on my mind.

Literally ….. true story.

As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.

Which has migrated into my skull proper.

Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.

So,

Deja Vu.

Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.

The physical pain is insane.

Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.

I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.

And, Deja Vu.

Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.

The second night in a row.

Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.

I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.

BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.

I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.

I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.

I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.

I know the pain that inflicts all too well.

I am not dishonest in love.

I don’t lie about my emotions.

Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.

Who would want to claim a false love as real love” ?

No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.

Many people contort the definition of “love”.

I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.

I love my ‘Queen’.

The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.

She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.

And one Corazon is all you get.

I have many friends.

The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.

I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.

But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.

Definitely not in a sexual way.

It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.

A completely different type of love.

Secondly,

My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….

Walk With Dann” .

That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.

61 years of hurt I endured so far.

The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.

I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.

You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).

I am tired. Very, very tired.

Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.

Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.

You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.

For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.

Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.

I am tired of adult life.

I am very, very, very tired.

And now it is D DAY 4 Dann

Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,

or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,

or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.

Yahoo!!!!!!

Good news for some people … not so much me.

I am tired.

Very tired.

I am all alone in a crowded room.

That room called ‘life‘.

And I am tired.

As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”

“I’m ready my Lord”.

Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.

I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.

Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.

I want to.

I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.

I am tired of existing.

30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.

But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?

And I am tired, very tired.

I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.

Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.

I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.

No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.

And now …….

I am tired.

I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.

Be it sooner or much later.

I will smile as I enter either.

For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.

I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.

And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.

I have a huge decision to make today.

It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.

At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.

We will see what happens at the hospital.

I am tired and I want to go home.

Plus, I ain’t looking so well …

My Largest Battle To Date

I have been diagnosed with cancer in my neck and my head.

I am awaiting surgery any day now.

Many of my medications are not covered by my drug plan and I cannot afford the extra cost of traveling back and forth.

I cannot eat solid food and depend on friends to buy me Ensure meal replacements.

This has added extra stress and strain on my already weakened body.

And I know not what to do or where to turn.

As embarrassing as it is, I have turned to social media, Facebook, to ask for help.

I am also exploring a crowd funding program to hopefully get more advertising and exposure for my published books which will help by bringing in a minor supplementary income.

I will beat this demon cancer once again. I have already battled it twice now – most is in the attitude. Positivity creates positive results.

Valhalla is not ready for me, nor am I ready for it.

http://amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

These Are My Published Books To Date

Last week I published my third volume of my “Walking On Dawes Collection”
This collection shows how no matter how fantastic you believe ganglife to be, Miss Karma and her brother, Mr. Chaos always wins in the end.

Today I published “Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut” the fourth and final volume of my “Walk With Dann Collection”.

The last chapter of my life, or as I should say, my various lives.

I pray that my honesty and confessions will touch at least one soul and prevent them from making the wrong choices I have made.

All my works are available at https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B078JNX5WV

 

https://www.goodreads.com/LightHouseVerner

 

I write my books for me.

I tell my stories for my readers.

I am not sure if my works are badly written good stories or well written bad stories.

Not too sure I care either way. I do care that, in my “Walk With Dann Collection”, I am telling my life as brutally truthful as possible. In shame and in honour.

I do care that my ‘stand alone’ books, such as “The Last Canadian Cosmonaut” touch your heart.

I pray that my other collection, “Walking On Dawes”, shows that the gang life, although often ‘exciting’, leads only to karma biting your buttocks.”

My Walk With Dann Collection

Volumes 1, 2 & 3

Damaged” is my first book.

Like me, it is raw and full of mistakes.

I have left it “unedited” as life has left me.

DAMAGED”

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 1

A Walk from my birth till I meet my second wife.”


It is rough, crude in fact, numerous format conversion errors.

I left It raw on purpose as a testament to the honesty of my words and work.

It contains humour, murder, explosions and motorcycles.

It may or may not be fictional or may even be non-fictional.”

BANE

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 2

Walks you through my middle years and three decades of marriage.”

It does not contain the excitement of it’s predecessor.”

It begins to show you who I was and who I was becoming.”

 

BOON”

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 3

Walks you deep into my personal life of trials and tribulations and my uniquely twisted none the norm perception of my realty.”

“Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut”

Volume 4 – Walk With Dann Collection

Unkz - A Canadian Cosmonaut

There are deeply complicated thoughts that haunt you, when you well know you are insane.

Insane by their standard.

I believe I am just Dann, just as I am.

I am not like others.

I am not them.

I am me.

Yet, there are multiple “me’s”.

And they are all I can or should be.

As the previous confessions of my life told within my first work, “Damaged, tells, I am, ‘broken

Began at birth.

Blue baby.

Unplanned child.

Unwanted but wanted.

And left to die before I had lived.

Only my deepest consciousness knows what I have experienced.

To keep my spirit alive my mind vaulted those days far in the depths of the encrypted memories.

Never to be re-lived.

Never to scar my soul once more.

Now, I am sixty-one years old and it is time for me to end this “Walk With Dann Collection” with this, my final volume.

To give closure to the three previous quarters of my numerous lives.

I am not soon to ascend.

But, my Walk With Dann Collection must contain a sincere final volume of my most innermost beliefs and thoughts.

For I cannot author them after I reach my own personal concept of Valhalla.

A final confession of both my rights and my wrongs.

I will utter exact truths, I will hold no quarter from exposing who I have become in the final quarter of a Canadian Cosmonaut’s life.

My life has been no different than yours.

My strife, my loves, my sorrows, my learning and my battlefield are far different than yours.

I present to you ………….

“Unkz, A Canadian Cosmonaut”

So, come, Walk With Dann.

THE LAST CANADIAN COSMONAUT”

(My first ‘standalone book‘ and my personal favorite.)

TLCC (2)

THE LAST CANADIAN COSMONAUT”

Here are the opening pages

The smell of the ocean danced on my nostrils as I walked, slipping and sliding, across the flats. My eyes darting to and fro, carefully scanning ahead for sink holes.

I should have been walking the other direction. Towards the junior high school. Towards hippie teachers trying to teach me of science, faith and nature.

I could hear the train in the distance. Pulling it’s tonnage of sugar cane around the bend to the refinery.

The tug boats crested the horizon. Their wake spewing behind them as they pushed against the mighty tanker so as to slow it’s unforgiving momentum. Lest it run ashore.

The shore. My foster home was there. High up the hill. It’s windows like two large eyes, taunting me with guilt.“Go to school“, they seemed to say.

I can’t”, my reply.”

Walking On Dawes Collection

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I WANT TO BE ‘FLOKI’”

Walking On Dawes Collection”

Volume 1”

This is a tale of a family who live their lives within the gang life. Except Little Ray. He and his family want him to break the cycle and live a normal life.”

There is tragedy, laughter and most of all ‘insight’ within.

Big Roy - Dedication

So come with us as we

Walk On Dawes.”

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You Can’t See Me”

Walking On Dawes Collection

Volume 2

This is a portrait of a broken man living a broken life in a broken world where family and friendship are one and the same.

Where wrong choices can lead to lifelong regrets. Haunting the very soul and stabbing the heart daily to remind you of the penalties of actions.

Where a man can be all alone and un-noticed in a crowded room.

Where sadness shadows joy and joy masks sadness.

This is the life of one man on one street in one city.”

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6315 – The Original Urban Viking”

Walking On Dawes Collection”

Volume 3”

Life can be unfair. It can be brutal.

Especially for an inner city young man growing up in the projects.

This is a tale of such a man. A man who walked many paths. Who made choices – good and bad. Who experienced love, hate, joy and sadness and bears the scars to show their result.

A man who chose the path of gang life over grade school classes. A man who’s rocking horse was a Harley Davidson. His playground was the streets. His graduation was held in a Federal Penitentiary.

A man who found remorse and regrets haunting him throughout his adulthood.

A man who wanted out.

A man who wished for peace in his soul and calmness in his heart.

His name,

6315 – The Original Urban Viking”

6315 Back Cover

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THIS MASK I WEAR

They say I am tough, but yet, I feel so rough.

This mask I wear has gotten me where?

screenshot_2018-04-03-22-06-57-1-1556057933.png

Like Kid rock says,

“I’ve ate out of dumpsters and dined with Kings.”

Like the clock shows,

I have experienced many things.

Yet, in sorrow I have walked my many roads.

For the life I have lived was mostly alone.

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I am, therefore I think

I have experienced pain and I have witnessed their sorrow.

I hope that they can forgive me on the ‘morrow.

For always in my heart I hold this sorrow.

Perhaps I should have been born in a swamp.

For an outlaw life seems what I want.

I have buried my Mother and 98 friends.

I wake each morning wondering,

“WHEN?”

 

And Still I Cry A Few Times Each and EVERY Day

I’m crying tears for you as I write this Sheena Eve. I will gladly let them flow wherever and whenever they fall. The tears burn tiny streams of pain down my cheeks until they become pools of love and joy in my heart.

They will dry when you walk me across the River into Valhalla and we sit at the round with food and drink.

I fear not my next death for life begins anew … and you will be there.

YET, I MISS YOU MORE THAN ANY OTHER IN MY LIFE WHO HAS ASCENDED.
#LightHouseDannVerner #AmazonAuthorLighthouseVerner #UNKZ #TheLastCanadianCosmonaut

Has Society Gone Mad??? Modern Day Sodom & Gomorrah

What next people? Damn, whatever drugs you are all doing is really taking their toll on your logic receptors.

We are living in a world of screwed up gender confused rainbow dancing weirdo’s from planet X – everything is about getting high and blowing your load.

Meanwhile our own people are sleeping on concrete, illegals are living in hotels, youth are gunning each other down in broad daylight and yet,

here we are fucking robots and spending tax dollars on rainbow crosswalks.

Modern day Sodom and Gomorrah for sure.

https://www.blogto.com/city/2018/08/aura-sex-dolls-toronto-brothel/

 

Why You All Need to Listen To The Mighty Vinnie. THIS IS A RAPPER!!! THIS IS A MINSTREL!

I had previously published this under the title, “I NEED DRUGS – NOT!!!”

I am a connoisseur of real music. I am 61 years old and many are surprised at the genre of music I listen to. I do listen to all era’s of music, but my everyday is who I speak of in this ‘Walk With Dann’.

By ‘real’, I mean music in which there is lyrics that actually convey a message or story. 

Do not see much of that nowadays in this ‘so-called’ hip hop/rap genre. 

 A song is meant to convey a message or enlighten one’s  inner soul. Musician’s were and are “minstrels”. 

Minstrel defined by the dictionary as, “singer who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of different places or of existing or imaginary events. Although minstrels told their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others“.

 Who are the top few I consider minstrels? 

 Here are a few that I have mad respect for what they are speaking to the youth of today.

Ill Bill and his brother Necro

Vinnie Paz

Yelawolf

Eminem

Mr. Green

Pacewon

Rittz

SPM

Rasheed

Tom Green (YES! That ‘Tom Green’ – check the O.R., udunno what I say)

So, let me show you a few examples of what I am saying ………

First video you should watch (courtesy of YouTube) is:

 Uncle Howie hears “My Uncle” for the first time  – courtesy of youtube

Here you will witness the power of the love only family can give to their own. 

As is very visible, Howie is definitely healthy and happy here. The result of his nephews love, caring and guidance. 

The lyrics speak mountains – definitely written from the heart and most definitely truthful. 

 A testimony to the realities of drug abuse and society’s darker side. A confession of the pain these nephews felt watching their Uncle suffer.

Here is the younger nephew, Necro:

His video that shows the “BEFORE” Howie:

 NECRO _ I Need Drugs     – courtesy of youtube

Recently I posted this video to my FaceBook page with this as the intro: 

 Brings tears to thine eyes – R.I.P. Uncle Howie. Dudes and Dudettes, compare Uncle Howie in this video to the one in Necro’s older brother, Ill Bill’s “My Uncle”. May the creators BLESS these lads for bringing their beloved uncle back to Earth. What a heavy load on my heart to overstand the pain they must have had to endure with the loss of such a knowledged Street Warrior to cancer after years of dancing with the dragon’s from Hell. 

Mad respect for the message’s Ill Bill and Necro and all their homies convey. 

Wish all these other so-called hip hop artist would follow their path and speak of REALNESS.”

Personally, I shed a tear everytime I listen to “Uncle Howie” for Howie, for Necro and for Ill Bill and for all of Howie’s family.

My soul becomes wrapped in the guilt of my SINS – knowing that in years long gone by, (and some close at hand), I have laid this burden upon those who loved me as much as these men love their Uncle.

What a statement to the realities of modern life in the tenements our youth are growing up in.

Ill Bill began his quest twenty-four long years ago in 1992. 

TO THIS DAY HE STILL SINGS FROM HIS HEART AND TO THIS VERY DAY HE STILL CONVEYS THE MESSAGE. 

RESPECT AND BLESSINGS TO THIS WELL SEASONED STREET WARRIOR.

No words I may type can tell you what your eyes will overstand when you have viewed this. 

‘Nuff said. 

I cannot say who is my favorite, but right up there with Ill Bill & Necro, is Vinnie Paz & his Jedi Mind Tricks. 

 

Here lies another minstrel who has been spitting the truth from 1993 till this very day. 

Twenty-three years and still sending out the message!!! 

Vinnie’s messages are so deeply written in the blood of his truths. 

Listen deeply to the lyrics in such tunes as “Uncommon Valor” and – my personal favorite “I, Who Have Nothing”. I play it every morning along with Ill Bill’s “My Uncle” to remind me of the life I have and am living.

Listen to what this song conveys, “I, who have nothing, but the comfort of my sins.”  DEEP!!!!! 

I, Who Have Nothing  – courtesy of youtube

To keep this blog from becoming a complex full length documentary, I will not break down and example all the above listed true artists.

This ‘Walk With Dann’ is only to say that I wish all musicians would get back to being MINSTRELS. 

For, if they could, then maybe, just maybe, one other soul would not have to sing about their Uncle, their life in the swamps of the Southern States, their lives in the swamps of Detroit or New York or Texas or Toronto. 

Overstand me now?

Bring the minstrel back to the music. 

Bring the stories back to the public. 

Drop all this bullshit about “Money, Weed & Hoes”. 

“Imagine” a world where “all the people could live as one’ – where “you may say I am a dreamer, but I’m not the only one”

I hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one” 

(Thank you John Lennon for embedding this within the confines of my mind)

I leave you now with a quote from a beautiful  Yelawolf/Ed Sheeran collaboration:

 

“I’ll be coming up when the Sun goes down. Rolling like a rock till I hit the ground. Running from the Lord cause I can’t be found. Only MY God can track me down”

SAVE OUR YOUTH. PEACE OUT!!!

LAST DAY TO LET ME GIVE YOU “DAMAGED” FOR FREE

Today is the last day you can download, for free, “DAMAGED”, my first book and the first volume of my “Walk With Dann Collection”

 

“DAMAGED” for free via download on amazon.ca in e-book format.

Here’s a quick link, always available for free to all KindleUnlimited subscribers – as are all seven of my books.

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B077SGXHLB

All my books, paperback and e-books, available at amazon.ca and amazon.com

GO TO MY MAIN PAGE AT:

https://amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

Here is why I have left the numerous spelling, grammar and formatting mistakes in this Volume 1 of my fictional autobiography …………….

DAMAGED”

Walk With Dann Collection

Volume 1

A Walk from my birth till I meet my second wife.”

I left It raw on purpose as a testament to the honesty of my words and work.

 

It contains humour, murder, explosions and motorcycles.

It may or may not be fictional or may even be non-fictional.

Only my hairdresser knows for sure…….

So, come follow the beacon and see what lays within “The LightHouse” we call “Dann