A Room To Die For

Since I began my cancer battle on October 22, 2018, my life has been trapped in a chaotic circle of good and bad.
By far the worse of everything that has happened to me was becoming homeless.
33 and a half weeks in and out of the hospital last year did not help.

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With great thanks to my Brother-in-arms, Gordie Jones, my Brother-from-another-mother, I was Blessed to obtain a room in the same house as him.

It is not too often you can find a clean, well maintained rooming house anywhere. I have thanks to Gordie.

God Bless him.

This house is QUIET. This house is CLEAN.

This house is now my home.

It will be my last home. For never shall I allow myself to fall victim to homelessness again.

What pleases me the most about the whole scenario is the mixture of souls we have living here in peace and respect for each others Faith and Cultures.

We have myself – a fifth generation Canadian born Irish Catholic. As is Gordie.
Then we have an Aboriginal woman – very much into her Culture. A very pleasent soul.
Three Muslims who are well educated and very grateful to be Canadians.

It is much like we have our own little micro-country. And I LOVE IT!

In this time of racial tensions and bigotry it is a pleasure to have such a place to lay my head.

Once you enter this dwelling all religion, all racism, all ignorance and all disrespect remain outside.

So, if the lot of us can co-exist even while in lock-down due to the Covid pandemic, why can’t the whole world follow suite?

Think about it.

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Few Will Believe That This Actually Happened After I Dreamt I Had A Fist Fight With God

Those who know me well know of my “LightHouse” gift/curse.

They also are very aware that I have many spiritual and Astral premonitions. Many good ‘Light‘ – others scary as a rabid monkey in your underwear.

Last night, during a torturous attempt to sleep while the cancerous tumors eat away at my brain stem, I had what I am going to say was a ‘Dream‘.

Not your usual run of the mill mind movie.

Nope!

I was having a fist fight with God, Himself. We were going at it tooth and nail for about an hour.

My Living Angel, Maria, once again was there for me. She had awoken from a dream about snakes attacking her and I at the same time as my battle.

She told me she had a sudden urge to check me and make sure I was okay.

She found me soaked from head to toe in sweat. Literally soaked to the skin!

And I was crying in my sleep.

She woke me up so as she could see what was happening to me.

Her inner alarms are in sync with mine and we always know what the the other is experiencing.

I often take her pains and/or sorrows.

She takes mine many times throughout the day and is willing to suffer what I go through, to allow me a few precious moments of painless excasty.

And being such a beautiful friend and soul mate makes me feel better than anything else can. I would not be here today if not for her love and support.

So ………. getting back to the fight with HIM. I was losing the battle and I fear if she had not awakened me, I would not have ever awoke.

But, what a discovered AFTER the dream incident is what this is about.

I wear my deceased Father’s Burial Rosary around my neck. Along with my other Blessed articles to help me beat this cancer.

Well, upon awakening I glance over at the Rosary and the Lord, Himself had abandoned His post.

Literally.

Jumped right off the cross.

Check out the picture below ……

You see that?

How did He get ripped from the Cross?

All I can say is that I am once again freaked out.

Especially knowing that had not Maria woke me I am positive I would have passed away.

As I was obviously going into severe shock from the massive amount of pain I am suffering from.

Pray It Forward – Pray for me.

Frack this Squamous Cell and ori- Pharyngeal Carcinomas.

A Conversation With My Last Born

My Last Born.

My Pride.

My Joy.

My new life began the day I watched him come into our world.

May 30th, 2003 was a memorable day in life – one of my personally happiest milestones.

Dakota, your soul is as pure and kind as is your heart is large. You are the iconic “Gentle Giant“.

I am privileged and PROUD to be your father.

I feel that I am not too demanding a father. I always kept you boys close to my side, but at the same time gave you room to soar.

I want you to soar higher than you can imagine. Go where Miss Destiny leads.

Take those doubtful “leaps”.

Important to not leap without looking.

I left home at an age where most my peers were playing with their ‘Hot Wheels” race sets.

I have been out here 50 of my 62 years. It has not been an easy journey.

Trust me on that.

I learned early that the key to basic survival is to have a true heart, practice compassion, speak only truths, listen with intentioned desire to help and most of all, stay HUMBLE.

There is nothing that will make me happier then if you follow and practise these few “rules” or “lessons”.

As you well know I tried all my life to treat my Family, my Loved Ones, my Friends and many more with respect, charity and compassion.

If you can incorporate these into your already soulful personality your life will always be Blessed my Son, always. ….

Hold your head high, always. Be Native and Verner Family Proud.

Be Humble. Humbleness is key to happiness.

Never look down upon anyone. They may be broken from a situation unknown to you or one that they suffer within alone. “Broken ” can be repaired.

Never, under any circumstance, disguise “Deceit” as “Love”.

NEVER. Emotions are not weapons.

Love is the greatest gift the Creator allows us.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE TRAIT YOU MUST LIVE LIFE BY, SON.

32 years with your Beautiful Mother is proof that being loyal pays.

Never stray, Son. NEVER.

Why eat cookies in shame when you have Angel Food Cake at home?

To stray is to lie about love. The worst lie of all. A lie that destroys life’s very essence.

I cannot express how strongly I feel about this.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE RULE TO BEING A GOOD FATHER, HUSBAND AND MAN.

Never give into that hormonal Darkness.

If I can look down from Valhalla and see my Last Born being the first born to become who he was meant to be and living a humble life, then I may finally smile and know that my humble life had meaning.

And that amazing Light locked within you will emerge and you will live a many faceted fantastic life.

And I shall be the proudest Father, Husband and Man ever to walk this walk.

I love you Dakota James McLean Verner.

I love you Son.
As I love your Brothers

#VernerFamilyProud
#LightHouseDannVerner

Cuatro en La Mañana Pensamientos Profundos

Mi alma gemela está fuera para una mini-excursión para limpiar su hermosa mente de su madre y yo luchando contra el cáncer en etapa 4 tardía.

Es desgarrador verla sufriendo mi dolor.

Antes de que ella incluso saliera de Toronto, tuve ese nudo retorcido de soledad que agarró mis testículos.

Sé muy bien que pronto estará en casa, pero “el corazón es un cazador solitario”.

Lo mío está en una nube solitaria de Apreciación y Amor.

PORQUE ME AMO Y APRECIO A MÁS ALLÁ DE CUALQUIER PALABRA QUE AUTOR AQUÍ.

Ella sabe el peso de mi Devoción y cada onza singular de amor verdadero que llevo por ella.

No hay duda si eso. Esperaré su regreso con el corazón bien abierto y los brazos levantados en Alabado sea Dios.

Porque el Señor Salvador me bendijo con el privilegio de amarla.

Y lo hago La amo inmensamente y 100% veraz.

…………………………………………………………….

My soul mate is away for a mini-excursion to clear her beautiful mind from her Mother and I both battling late stage 4 cancer.

It is heartbreaking to see her suffering my pain.

Before she even flew out of Toronto I had that twisted knot of loneliness grab my testicles.

I know darn well that she will soon be home, but the “heart is a lonely hunter”.

Mine lays in a solitary cloud of Appreciation and Love.

FOR I DO LOVE AND APPRECIATE HER BEYOND ANY WORDS I AUTHOR HERE.

She knows the weight of my Devotion and each singular ounce of true love I carry for her.

There is no doubt if that. I will await her return with my heart wide open and my arms raised in Praise God. For the Lord Savior Blessed me with the privilege of loving her.

And I do. I love her immensely and 100% truthfulness.

Got Them Monday Cancer Blues

When it comes to the Cancers, it’s the constant “hurry-up and wait” game that lays responsible for fifty percent of my stress.

I despise waiting, unless for a cab or a bus.

Waiting on the Specialists, the Surgeons, the Radiologist Oncologist, the Surgical Oncologist, the General Practitioners and the various Nurse, Psych and Support Staff is extremely nerve wracking.

This is compounded by the seriousness of my current status. I am now classified as “Late Stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma”. Presently, “Non-Treatable”. “Terminal” if suitable and efficient therapy is not developed.

That is “Stephen King Scary.”

In Princess Margaret Cancer Center’s defence, I must say that no singular party is the blame.

The system is well stretched to the maximum, yet the Hospital still manages to get the patients through.

Yes, we may have to wait. Not long for most procedures or test results. Usually with in hours as an in-patient and a day as an out-patient. I have many an occasion to base this on.

I am waiting because I have SURPASSED the treatment window for conventional chemo or radiation therapies.

Hence, my signing on to my previous radical radiation therapy regime of a double round of experimental rad each morning and another six hours later.

In a 20 day therapy I received 80 doses. I graduated March 1st, 2019 from a successful run.

A miracle in my books.

March 2nd, 2019 at 4 in the morning my Spleen decided to self-destruct and explodes in my belly.

If not for my living mere blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital, I would not be writing this. I bled out in the ambulance.

I have very rare blood. Hard to obtain on a good day.

4 & 1/2 hours in O.R.

By lunch time that day I had received 16 liters of rapidly infused fluids.

Including:

4 pints whole blood

2 pints red blood cell concentrate

1 liter iron sucrose

And Ringer’s Lactate and various other fluids.

I was dead (again) – Number 9.

I was not looking so well when I woke up in I.C.U. – but, many professionals and family alike where awful surprised when I started speaking.

In October, 2018, I weighed in naked at 168 pounds.

By mid-March, 2019, I weighed barely 102 pounds in Hospital garb.

This decimated corpse is not laying down!!!!!!

For I am “The Original Urban Viking” and Cancer does not scare me.

Waiting does.

For, I know not what I am waiting for.

I know they must biopsy the ulcers in my throat. A very difficult task considering the obstruction of the swelling caused by necrosis laced flesh. This and my previous incubation difficulties make the simple biopsy a surgical operation under anesthesia.

Apparently, it will come with a painful recovery.

I can handle the pain.

I do extremely well with pain control once I know the source.

By knowing I can focus my Meditation, my Crystals, my Mineral & Stone Buddhist Bracelets and my Legion of Mary energies upon the Cancer directly.

Believe or not. I believe. Even the Treatment Team agree that there was no way I should have survived the Spleen rupture.

Their words, not mine:

ONLY EXPLANATION IS SIMPLY, ‘A MIRACLE'”

I still get shivers even typing it.

Changed my life for evermore. My Faith and Spirituality grew stronger.

I have always had a strong spiritual belief. Brought on by my 8 previous “Life AFTER Death Experiences”.

(Long story – read my autobiographical series, ‘Walk With Dann Collection.)

Waiting scares me and I do not scare easily.

Waiting for the biopsy. Waiting, most of all, that hopefully these gifted surgeons, doctors, nurses, social workers, grief counselors and all the Team can come up with an attack plan.

Otherwise, I could and will soon ascend. This has not been hidden from me.

Yet, as scared as I am, I am equally confident.

Valhalla is not ready for my soul.

Helheim declares me, ‘Persona non Gratis’

I have a calling.

I have yet to understand what the calling is, but I feel it’s mighty presence rising from my very soul.

My time is not now. My death, (I despise that term – (I prefer ‘ascension’) – will devastate too many innocent souls.

My wife, my sons, my adopted sons, my precious Maria, my best friend for life, Terry, Candace, who has graciously opened her home and heart to me do not deserve nor can handle just now, such a dark blow.

So, I simply will not go – I refuse to ascend till I have successfully completed…..

Firstly – properly preparing all my Family and Loved Ones for my ascension.

Be it of natural cause.

Or trauma incurred with my “Do Not Resuscitate” clause.

My previous blog explains why

OR…..

I invoke my “Death With Dignity” contract. Let me tell you right now that I would have to be in one superstorm of a Hell Hurricane to invoke such.

So, I sit here scared.

Secondly – as I have stated, and as numerous member of my Prayer Army can attest, I have a Calling”.

I know soon it will reveal to me exactly what I am Blessed to undertake.

As the Jewish say:

‘HINENI’

‘I AM READY MY LORD’

I used this term previously when I spoke of giving-up, laying down to waste away and, yes, even suicidal thoughts.

I should bow my head in shame to use such a Holy statement in such a Dark thought.

I am ready to begin my quest. I am ready to use my gift of Light and my past life lessons to tackle whatever tasks lay ahead in this, most definitely,

“Final walk with Dann”.

I will wait, still.

WHY, YOU ASK?”

What choice do I have but to wait till I know my purpose?

I am scared of waiting, yet, I am waiting to be scared.

I do my best work under pressure.

I will fight this demonic cancer with determination, your Prayers, your Love and my Creator’s will.

I have believed that I may have been Rasputin in another plain of space/time continuum.

They have poisoned me, stabbed me, shot me and once tried to drown me.

To quote Elton John:

I’m still standing. Even after all these years.”

I have Faith. Not your typical, “Oh now you have cancer you pray to God?”

My Faith has always been present. For years hidden incognito within my eclectic personality.

My devotion to my Spirituality is my weapon. My fearlessness of Ascension is my Army.

Hineni