Tag Archives: DAMAGED

THE FACES OF MY CANCER – ‘That part’.

Some may find the visual aids within to be too emotional for many people. The written media also targets at the minimum 14 years plus.)

Here are some pictures from various stages of my Cancer treatment.

“I have always been highly spiritual. Rarely religious.

My Queen Heals Me Spiritually

AS YOU CAN SEE I LOOKED FINE.

But, I had slowly been feeling flu like syptoms for a few weeks at this point.

I spent most mornings reflecting about life. Subliminal messages telling me to beware.

I should have not procrastinated.

Nightsweats became daysweats

7

I have a strong survivalists side. I do not lay down in a battle. It is an Irish Genetic Inheritance.

There’s humour in all instances of life. I soon had to find reasons to smile.

Hospital stay 7. Combined weeks since January 4th, 2019, equal 19, so far.

The smiles are half truths. I hide many emotions. Or rather, I ‘used’ to hide them. Now, I let the truth be told.

THE PRINCESS MARGARET CANCER HOSPITAL. I AM VERY BLESSED TO BE UNDER THE WORLD CLASS CARE THAT THEY GIVE. MANY DO NOT HAVE THIS TYPE OF EXCELLENCE AND PROFESSIONALISM.

This pain is relentless. None stop for two weeks now. 24/7, has not stopped once.

It is by far the worse pain I have ever experienced. And pain and I are lifelong buddies.

This pain is a b*dstard!!!!

Many battles won. No losses. Round Two! Finish HIM!!!!

So, this is just a tidbit of the Faces I have and must endure. There are smiling ones with genuine joy. There are sad ones with devastating sorrow. There are bland boring pictures and there are silly ‘selfies‘ taken inthe middle of a night when sleep evaded.

Here are 3 pictures that tell exactly how 18 hours of my day presently go.

Picture 1 – Pain rushes in like an out-of-control freight train. All I can do is squeeze my skull as tightly as possible and strap in for the ride.

Picture 2 – Accept that it is what it is. Unstoppable, untreatable pain. Let the tears flow – they earned their journey.

Picture 3 – Recover. No time for this to be stealing moments that are best held for love and joy. Cry it out. Hold my head high and dance in my Light.

I am an Urban Viking. The last of the Canadian Cosmonauts.

Cancer is soon to be dumbfounded when I kick it’s demonic ass into the dust of Hell whence it came.

I had a double session of radical radiation therapy every morning and another double set every afternoon for 20 days. 80 treatments, 20 days.

STRAPPED DOWN – MY VERY FIRST TREATMENT

Amazing technology

GRADUATION DAY!!!

I kept my mask. A gentle, but stark reminder of this “Walk With Dann.”

March 2, 2019 4a.m.- My spleen literally exploded. I bled out. I was brought back.

The surgeon and various doctors could only say one word to describe the recovery and my being alive.

“MIRACLE”

“Valhalla does not wish for my company and Helheim has a Peace Bond on me.”

I will post a few more similar blogs such like this one.

To add a face to my “Diary of An Old Man With The C”.

Until then I shall be wruting in the two works I have in ‘progress’.

I want to leave behind my story for my future generations to understand who and why I was placed upon this beautiful blue marble.

Till then,

Adieu

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The Fear of Cancer

Not often I have ‘fear‘.

I have it now. I fear that I may not beat this cancer.

I was diagnosed on October 22nd, 2018, with Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Stage four.

I was past the ability to be treated via chemotherapy and conventional radiation. My only three options were let nature take her course or surgery to remove my complete tongue and lymph nodes (leaving me with zero quality of life) or receive radical aggressive radiation.

I chose the latter. Receiving a double session twice per day for twenty days. The actual treatment was easy. Just lay down, strapped in a cage and a mere fifteen minutes listening to Pink Floyd as the machine’s robotic arms did their task.

I was pleased when on March the first I completed the therapy and was told it had succeeded in killing all the tumors.

What I didn’t understand at that time was the worse part comes after the therapy. As the tumors diminished the damage from the radiation and cancer surfaces. This, apparently, can go on for up to two years.

My throat swelled and on the exterior turned purple. A side affect of the radiation burn and dying tissues within.

I had a few complications during the course of treatment. I developed a huge abscess in my lower abdominal cavity, possibly from the feeding g-tube implant. It required minor surgery to remove and drain. This was followed by a major battle with septicemia. A battle I thankfully won.

I was released from the Princess Margaret Cancer Center on January 31, 2019. After being hospitalized for twenty seven days. I was glad to be home.

At four in the morning of February the 2nd my spleen exploded. I bled out and have only survived because I live blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital. I was revived. Received four pints of blood, rapid infusion of Ringers lactate, a litre of iron sucrose and twenty nine staples on my abdomen. Complete removal of my spleen.

I spent all of February and half of March in Princess Margaret. My weight dropped down to ninety seven pounds. A far cry from my average one hundred and seventy.

I look like a survivor from a Nazi Death Camp.

I was sent home mid March to complete my treatment as an out-patient.

Things were well at first. I could not swallow most food so I was dependant on six cans of condensed Isosource nutrients to feed my body. I managed to get my weight up to one hundred and twenty-two pounds.

But, a big but, the damage from the tumors and radiation was surfacing more and more. The pain of swallowing increasingly getting worse. To the point I feared swallowing even my saliva.

This I am still plagued with as I write.

My weight loss increased and depression tried to take over my logic. I feared that I would definitely die. I have that fear still, as do my caregivers.

No longer able to function properly I resigned myself to the reality of coming back into the hospital.

Presently, I am hospitalized in the magnificent Toronto General Hospital. A Blessing of living in Toronto with the world class treatment of Toronto General and the adjoined Princess Margaret Cancer Center. Two of the best hospitals worldwide.

If I lived anywhere else I am positive I would not be authoring this blog on this foggy Sunday morning.

I am not sure what is to happen to me next. Neither are my team of doctors.

I have been here a mere few days, having been admitted on the twenty four of May. So, I am awaiting the results of my MRI, CT Scan and numerous other tests.

Tomorrow I have to have minor surgery to re-implant a gastric feeding tube and biopsy of my tongue and throat.

So far my diagnosis is as follows:

1) as my body absorbed the dead tumors it left behind holes, like potholes in a road. These ‘holes‘ have developed ulcers.

2) The ulcers can be one of three types. (A) non-cancerous, (B) Cancerous but treatable and (C) Cancerous non-treatable

3) I am severely malnourished and dehydrated.

Hopefully, by tomorrow evening I will know for sure what battle lays before me.

I am a ‘realist’. Hence, I take things in stride. It is what it is and I will deal with whatever falls my way with logic over emotions.

I also trained myself to always expect the worse possible scenarios. Reason being if I am expecting the worse no matter what my diagnosis is to be it shall be better than what I expected. A small comfort in such a serious situation.

I am not being unrealistic in my expectations. I am in a serious situation.

After many discussions with all my treatment team and my beloved family, I made the difficult decision to put in place a DNR, (Do Not Resuscitate), on my medical record.

This is justified and many tears were shed coming to the decision. It is the best avenue to take considering the condition of my physical form. My bone density is very low which means that if I were to receive CPR my ribs would shatter. Greater risk is that my heart and poor physical condition makes it ninety nine percent positive I will slip into a coma – a coma I will not recover from.

I pray no one ever has to have this discussion with their family. It was/is the most heartbreaking talk I have ever imagined having to have.

Saddest part being the reaction of my family and friends. I, being the patient, fully have accepted that I am knocking on the gates of Valhalla. I did not wish to accept it, but it is what it is.

I also have refused any major surgery that will disfigure and disable me. I refuse wholeheartedly to have my love ones suffer the anguish of watching me whither away, perhaps for weeks or months. That would scar their very souls for life. It would be selfish of me to put them through such.

They understand. They don’t like accepting it, but, once again, it is what it is.

I am not, by far, a ‘religious’ man. I am a man of faith. I believe in a higher, supreme power. Over the past 15 years I have been brought back to life 9 times so far. I wrote about these times previously. It’s suffice to say my life has been full of numerous ups and downs. Often down. It strengthened my personality and outlook on life. To most they would say my life was tragic. I see it as just ‘my life’. Sixty-one and a half years of learning and growth.

So, as it stands today, I have a battle to win. And I shall win because I am surrounded by true caring and love. I have a large group of beautiful souls who have formed a ‘Prayer Army’ on my behalf. Believe or not, but there is a power in prayers. They don’t have to be church indoctrinated chants, but rather sincere and positive praise to whoever you perceive as your Creator.

I am anxious to get the results of the tests tomorrow. The waiting and the fear of what may be is far more disheartening than the cancers themselves. The fear of the unknown instills an anxiety that clouds judgement.

I prefer sunny days over cloudy ones.

So, I will leave you now and I will blog whatever happens next in my wonderful life as soon as I know.

Until then, I remain ‘Dann, just as I am – – – The Original Urban Viking’.

NAMASTE’ MY FRIENDS

And remember to ……

ALWAYS PRAY IT FORWARD

BLESS

The Binds That Tie

I have not been writing much as late.

I have to get back to doing so.

I am overloading my mind with chaos and confused emotions.

The cancer eats at me even when it is laying dormant. “Am I going to die?” or “Will I soon be a husk of my former self?” – these two questions echo to and fro within the confines of my mind.

The tears I have yet to understand. They flow without rhyme or reason. Occasionally I have a warning. Many times I have not. On a crowded bus they leak out my eyes and trickle down my cheeks. I have learned not to be embarrassed. We all cry occasionally.

Why am I crying???

I know not why. Perhaps it is fear of the cancer, or sadness from the condition of my emaciated body, or my feelings of unworthiness.

I know I have worth. I know I have been allowed to live for a greater reason than I have knowledge of.

In a few mere weeks I transitioned from one tough mofo of a streetwise gangster to a 102 pound HUMBLED man. A man who at 61 realizes that honesty, caring and devotion are the key ingredients to being a productive cog in the machine of life.

The cancer, stroke,abscess, septicemia and exploded spleen were just mere bumps in the road. Nudges from the Creator.

Unveiled clues to the meaning of my life. A “reset” of my inner core thought process.

Will I be happy sitting on a chair aging into an old man held hostage by thought in a ghetto apartment? Or, will I rejuvenate my soul’s energy and start the final ‘Walk With Dann’ with a new found love of living?

I chose the latter. I chose a life.

I have now been declared legally dead on 9 occasions. How many people can say this?

I used to wonder why I have been Blessed with returning from Death. I do not wonder now, for I know that I have a purpose yet to be revealed. A calling I will soon discover and understand.

I will not allow my physical ailments nor my psychological turmoil to steer my Walk.

I will leave those steps in the hands of the Creator.

When my calling and purpose births itself, I shall be ready.

It may well be as simple as writing yet another book about life lessons learned, or, it may be a complicated array of lecturing the youth or teaching the elders.

Only the Creator knows for sure what my destiny holds. I look forward to the day I obtain self realization and take the first step onto the path I must “Walk”.

I am but a grain of sand on the beach of life …….

Yet, I hold the power to change the world

Namaste’

Do My Testicle Look Swollen Because They Just Got Kicked Again

They say, whoever “they” are, that love is blind.

Well by God I must have been walking into quite a few walls these past 6 years.

I have closure now.

Actually I think the door slammed my ass because I didn’t move fast enough.

My biggest fear now is going to be will I lose trust in all women who say they love me?

Not in a friendship way because Lord knows I have plenty of female friends, more females than males.

I mean in a relationship way.

I have no desire to date again anyways but I also do not want to become a bitter old women hater of a man.

Looking back 7 years I had vowed never to date again, but one day in our hallway she glanced at me and her smile stirred something in my very soul.

I have been many a bad type of person over the years.

From growing up watching foster parents, my real parents and friends cheating on each other I vowed I would be honest with that part of any relationship I was in.

In all my years with Jennifer I stayed true.

I was a flirt, big time, still am. But why eat cookies if you have Angel food cake at home.

Many will not believe that but I know the truth and I will stand before St. Peter or the Lord himself and say, “Yes, I broke nine of the ten commandments my Lord, but I honoured my wife for over 30 years.”

Life goes on.

I have been granted yet another crack at the bat and I will play by the rules.

I never once in my life thought I would be able to say
“I am 61 years old.”

Yet here I am and I am willing to bet that in ten years I will be listening to Leonard Cohen and dancing with my beloved Pringles and Ruffles.

I cannot hate over love, for maybe at one point she did love me.

Maybe ….

I will have to believe that to be true because I don’t want to realize there are people that are that cold hearted in real life.

But, I have to ask myself why did she only visiting time out of all the two months I have fought for my life in these hospitals?

Would I do that to her? Not a hope in Hell, I would have sat beside her bed from day one for I did/do love her.

And now I must put on my “I am okay” face and carry on.

I Am Scared

Was all excited yesterday when I heard I was soon to go home, (Thursday), then an hour later, BAM!!!

I was a completely different person.

Very ill, extremely lathargic, dizzy, confused and in pain beyond comprehension.

I slept from one in the afternoon yesterday till 6 this morning. How does anyone sleep 17 hours?

Doctors are increasing my Fentanyl to 75 milligrams. “To make me comfortable ” was their words. I have found in the past that when doctors say such things to patients with terminal illnesses, what they really mean is they won’t let you die in pain.

I am not being paranoid. I was told from the get go that my chances of survival were slim. For 2 months I have heard everyday how everyone is amazed I have “made it” this far. Add in the constant use of words like make me comfortable, use as much pain medication as I feel I need, and then there are the constant “team meetings”.

And yesterday they asked how I felt about going into a hospice. No one walks out of a hospice.

All this makes you think the worse.

I have asked for a case conference later today because if what I suspect is true just send me home to be with my dogs.

But, I won’t know for sure until they all get at the same table and tell me. It’s hard when there are so many professionals involved. 2 regular oncologists, 2 radiation oncologists, 1 ENT surgeon, a whole team of pain palative care and five or six others from dieticians, physio and psychology.

Until then all I can do is pray and pray I will.

Walking With Dann Explained

Allow me to take you on a journey within the twisted churning void of my inner self.

This is why I started blogging all those years ago. I will always blog.

I will always have an opinion or thought and I take pride in my beliefs.

Blogging brought me to fulfill my life long desire to put my lives out there. For my existence has been very unique. I am a true Canadian Cosmonaut.

Within these pages may you find the essence that is me – may I guide you through the tunnels of my thoughts and bath you in the radiant glow of my opinion.

I offer you ‘Dann’ just as I am..

Many ask me why l write.

I write my books for me.

I tell my stories for my readers.”

I am not sure if my works are badly written good stories or well written bad stories.

Not too sure if I care either way.

I do care that, in my “Walk With Dann Collection”, I am telling my life as brutally and truthful as possible via a fictional perspective.

In shame and in honour.

The first book of the “Walk With Dann Collection” was the very first book I actually wrote. I left all the misspells and grammar errors in on purpose. As I also did with the formatting and editing errors.

I did this so the reader would see that life is full of mistakes and my life began “DAMAGED”.

As the volumes that followed show, I learned as I wrote and I wrote as I learned. Now as I work on various projects I can say that I am an ‘Author’. And I do so with pride.

I care that my ‘stand alone’ books, such as “The Last Canadian Cosmonaut” touch your heart. It, too, is a fictional telling of a past life experience. An experience that can not be duplicated.

I pray that my other collection, “Walking On Dawes Collection”, shows that gang life, although often ‘exciting’, leads only to karma biting your buttocks.

Beginning to read the tales you may believe I am glorifying gang life style, I assure you that by the end of each volume you will understand the logic behind my message.

A synopsis of my “Walk With Dann Collection”:

My Walk With Dann Collection, Volumes 1, 2 & 3

Damaged” is my first book.

Like me, it is raw and full of mistakes.

I have left it “unedited” as life has left me.

LightHouse Dann Verner

Volume 1, “DAMAGED” takes you on a Walk from my birth till I meet my second wife.

It is rough, crude in fact, numerous format conversion errors.

I left It raw on purpose as a testament to the honesty of my words and work.

It contains humour, murder, explosions and motorcycles.

It may or may not be fictional or may even be non-fictional.

LightHouse Dann Verner

The second volume, ‘BANE’, Walks you through my middle years and three decades of marriage.

It does not contain the excitement of it’s predecessor.

It contains much more.

It is a fictional/non-fictional tale of how many different ‘Walks’ we take in our lifetimes.

It tells of love, hate, health, sickness, richman, poorman, ice creams and life screams

It begins to show you who I was and who I was becoming.

“No willful wrongdoing ever escapes Miss Karma or Her Brother Chaos.”

LightHouse Dann Verner

My third volume, “BOON” Walks you deep into my fictional/non-fictional personal life of trials and tribulations. My uniquely twisted none the norm perception of my various realities.

It is a depiction of life as lived. A no-hold barred account of everyday life in an everyday low-income Canadian home. You will laugh, you may cry at points, you WILL be taking a true “WALK WITH DANN”.

“I will run through your veins like a fish in the sea.”

(Quoted From Uncle Kracker’s song ‘Follow Me’)

LightHouse Dann Verner

I am currently writing the final volume of the four volume Walk With Dann Collection.

“UNKZ, A Canadian Cosmonaut”

Coming August 2018

My first ‘standalone book’.

My personal favourite.

I thoroughly enjoyed the emotional ‘Walk’ while writing it and relieving that period of my life and that time of history.

The calmest years of my chaotic lives.

Below is a tidbit of the volume to whet your appetite

LightHouse Dann Verner

“A fictional journey of a hippie on a Harley exploring the times.”

THE LAST CANADIAN COSMONAUT”

The smell of the ocean danced on my nostrils as I walked, slipping and sliding, across the flats. My eyes darting to and fro, carefully scanning ahead for sink holes.

I should have been walking the other direction. Towards the junior high school. Towards hippie teachers trying to teach me of science, faith and nature.

I could hear the train in the distance. Pulling it’s tonnage of sugar cane around the bend to the refinery.

The tug boats crested the horizon. Their wake spewing behind them as they pushed against the mighty tanker so as to slow it’s unforgiving momentum. Lest it run ashore.

The shore. My foster home was there. High up the hill. It’s windows like two large eyes, taunting me with guilt.“Go to school“, they seemed to say.

I can’t“, my reply.

A brief synopsis of my “Walking On Dawes Collection

The first volume of the

Walking On Dawes Collection”

I WANT TO BE ‘FLOKI’”

This is a tale of a family who live their lives within the government projects and gang life.

Except ‘Little Ray’. He and his family want him to break the cycle and live a normal life.

There is tragedy, laughter and most of all ‘insight’ within. A fictional tale that is also non-fictional.

A family who grew up in the projects of Toronto. That was their reality and there was nothing wrong with it, for everyone lives in a neighborhood. Only the name and addresses are different.

The first “WALK” of a ungoing inter-connected Collection of fictional “Walks On Dawes”.

The raw and naked truths from an experienced eye and soul of a Canadian Cosmonaut.

A tale of the original “URBAN VIKINGS.”

LightHouse Dann Verner

“Walking On Dawes – Volume 2”

“YOU CAN’T SEE ME”

“You Can’t See Me” – Walking On Dawes Collection – Volume 2

“This is a portrait of a broken man living a broken life in a broken world where family and friendship are one and the same.”

A man who was once “DAMAGED” but now was merely broken.

Where wrong choices can lead to lifelong regrets. Haunting the very soul and stabbing the heart daily to remind you of the penalties of actions.

Where a man can be all alone and un-noticed in a crowded room.

Where sadness shadows joy and joy masks sadness.

Where happiness and good times balance out with sadness and tragedy.

This is the life of one man and his family, on one street in one city.

A man who let his darkness blind his Light.

A tale that will surprise you at the end.

LightHouse Dann Verner

“Walking On Dawes Collection” – Volume 3

“6315”

Coming July 2018

GET “DAMAGED” FOR FREE TODAY

Starting today until April 28th get the first book of my “Walk With Dann Collection” – “DAMAGED” in e-Book format for FREE.

YES – FREE!!!

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B077SGXHLB#about_kindle_edition_secondary_view_div_1524603245212

When was the last time you got Damaged for free?????

img_20180218_013900_212179204141.jpg

CUÁNDO FUE LA ÚLTIMA VEZ QUE USTED HA SIDO DAÑADO GRATIS?

Todos mis libros están ahora en KDP Select, así que si tiene Kindle Unlimited o utiliza la Biblioteca de Kindle Lenders, puede leerlos gratis.

Si no tiene un Kindle, puede leer los libros electrónicos después de la compra en cualquier dispositivo.
Todos mis libros están disponibles en edición de bolsillo y libros electrónicos.

COMENZANDO MAÑANA HASTA EL SÁBADO MI PRIMER LIBRO “DAÑADO” ES GRATIS PARA DESCARGAR.

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B077SGXHLB#about_kindle_edition_secondary_view_div_1524603245212

¿CUÁNDO FUE LA ÚLTIMA VEZ QUE USTED HA SIDO DAÑADO GRATIS?

ONWARD, FORWARD 

So, I published my life in a fictional depiction locked within the pages of three volumes.

I have never claimed, not do I consider, my self to be an author.

I am just me, Dann – just as I am. 

No more, no less

Like  the covers of my  volumes, my books are raw, flawed and contain mistakes.

I purposely chose rough and weathered photos for the covers. Each picture ten years older than the previous.

I have been Blessed in my lifetimes to have walked many roads. Some good and some not so good. 

All worth the strides. 

If one soul reads my ramblings and take any knowledge from my trials and tribulations then my life had meaning.

Best part of this venture is my children, their children and all generations to follow will know the truth about who “Daniel Arthur Verner” honestly was.

I put my heart into these works and I wrote honestly as possible. 

What next for LightHouse? 

I shall go onward and upword and continue to be the person I am.

And that is all any of us can honestly do.

Namaste’

E-books available on Kobo, Amazon and Kindle.

Paperbacks only on Amazon.com and 187 other countries.

Bless

Wow, what an experience publishing a book is

So, I  finally began publishing my books. 

 My Walk With Dann Collection,  Volumes 1, 2 &3

Volume 1, “DAMAGED” takes you on a Walk from my birth till I meet my second wife. 
It is rough, crude in fact, numerous format conversion errors.

I left It raw on purpose as a testament to the honesty of my words and work.

It contains humour, murder, explosions and motorcycles.

It may or may not be fictional or may even be non-fictional. 

Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

The second volume, ‘BANE’, Walks you through my middle years and three decades of marriage.

It does not contain the excitement of it’s predecessor. 

It begins to show you who I was and who I was becoming.

My third volume, “BOON” Walks you deep into my personal life of trials and tribulations and my uniquely twisted none the norm perception of my realty. 

So, come, Walk With Dann. 

“I’ll swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.”