When do you know that it is time to just throw in the towel?
When is enough enough?
I am tired – physically, mentally & spiritually.
The closest I ever came to be ‘religious’ was a few years back when I was exploring the Nasirim faith. A very old religion dating back before Catholicism. The forbidden Jews.
The main thing I derived from them was one simple word, “Hineni”.
Translated meaning, “I am ready my Lord”.
I am ready. I have no desire left in me to continue going on.
In the past two years, never mind the previous 60, I have had 9 surgeries on my kidneys, bladder, gall bladder (now removed), one third of my liver removed, two diagnosis of cancers, a stroke, an abscess from Hell herself, septicemia and of course the exploded spleen.
I have lost everything – my manhood, my home, my manhood, my loved ones, my manhood, my child, my manhood, my dogs, my manhood and most my income.
Did I mention that I have lost my manhood?
Because that plays a major role in this life I live.
I used to be a contender. The street warrior. So tough I chewed nails and spit out rust.
But, round 13 knocked me out. I am down for the count. With no desire to stand up and get knocked down once again.
I wish I was as tough as others perceive me to be. Perhaps then I would not be sitting in a McDonald’s at 4:36 in the morning trying to hide my tears from the much happier homeless gnomes who spend their nights here, also.
I have no qualms about my coming death. I will smile as I take that walk – be it to Valhalla or to Helheim. I will smile. Because after 62 years of pain and misfortune I will finally be done.
Done as yesterday’s dinner.
And all this is very sad. My life has been a very long and winding road built on tragedy after tragedy. Fueled by my constantly making the wrong choices.
And as my autobiography does show, I made many, many wrong choices in life.
Hence my previous blog which states my firm belief that I am living my Purgatory and my Hell now, here on Terra Firma. Hopefully, I will have satisfied the Creator and he/she will allow me to live eternity in a far better place than I have lived here on Earth.
I have tried so hard to be a good person. I help many people without regret. I can not tell you how many times I have gone hungry because I spent my whole income helping others. Or I have had to walk miles because I gave away my bus fare.
I do not do things like that for fame or glory. I do it because I see someone who needs assistance and I assist them.
Yet, here I am crying in McDonald’s, shamefully and very much embarrassed. My manhood flew out the window long ago. I am not even half the man I once was.
I do not want sympathy. I do not want glory.
All I have ever wanted was to be a father and a loyal husband. I had the Blessing to be both. I will always be grateful for those years.
Everything good I have ever had come into my life has always collapsed into a pool of toxic waste. Poisoned by the evils of man.
I am tired. So very tired.
I have suicidal thoughts often.
I fight them off as having two “terminal” cancers all I must do is wait.
But, nine times since 1999, I have been legally declared dead. And I suspect that the Creator is far from being finished punishing me.
I do pray often for ascension.
I pray often for one measly day whereas I do not shed a tear.
I pray for Death to come invite me home.
But, souls like myself go through life praying prayers that will not be answered.
50 long years I have lived my nomads lifestyle. 50 long years of smiling and joking just to hide my shames, my sadness and my pitiful so-called life.
Hopefully after I have gone on to the next space/time continuum people who really knew me will remember the good side of “Shakie, Dann, Boo Boo, Lighthouse” and all the other “me’s”.
If not, oh well, I will have lived a hard and horrible life just to appease the Gods.
But, when will my body finally say,
“I AM READY MY LORD?”
Because I am ready. True story.