Tag Archives: DannVerner

THE FACES OF MY CANCER – ‘That part’.

Some may find the visual aids within to be too emotional for many people. The written media also targets at the minimum 14 years plus.)

Here are some pictures from various stages of my Cancer treatment.

“I have always been highly spiritual. Rarely religious.

My Queen Heals Me Spiritually

AS YOU CAN SEE I LOOKED FINE.

But, I had slowly been feeling flu like syptoms for a few weeks at this point.

I spent most mornings reflecting about life. Subliminal messages telling me to beware.

I should have not procrastinated.

Nightsweats became daysweats

7

I have a strong survivalists side. I do not lay down in a battle. It is an Irish Genetic Inheritance.

There’s humour in all instances of life. I soon had to find reasons to smile.

Hospital stay 7. Combined weeks since January 4th, 2019, equal 19, so far.

The smiles are half truths. I hide many emotions. Or rather, I ‘used’ to hide them. Now, I let the truth be told.

THE PRINCESS MARGARET CANCER HOSPITAL. I AM VERY BLESSED TO BE UNDER THE WORLD CLASS CARE THAT THEY GIVE. MANY DO NOT HAVE THIS TYPE OF EXCELLENCE AND PROFESSIONALISM.

This pain is relentless. None stop for two weeks now. 24/7, has not stopped once.

It is by far the worse pain I have ever experienced. And pain and I are lifelong buddies.

This pain is a b*dstard!!!!

Many battles won. No losses. Round Two! Finish HIM!!!!

So, this is just a tidbit of the Faces I have and must endure. There are smiling ones with genuine joy. There are sad ones with devastating sorrow. There are bland boring pictures and there are silly ‘selfies‘ taken inthe middle of a night when sleep evaded.

Here are 3 pictures that tell exactly how 18 hours of my day presently go.

Picture 1 – Pain rushes in like an out-of-control freight train. All I can do is squeeze my skull as tightly as possible and strap in for the ride.

Picture 2 – Accept that it is what it is. Unstoppable, untreatable pain. Let the tears flow – they earned their journey.

Picture 3 – Recover. No time for this to be stealing moments that are best held for love and joy. Cry it out. Hold my head high and dance in my Light.

I am an Urban Viking. The last of the Canadian Cosmonauts.

Cancer is soon to be dumbfounded when I kick it’s demonic ass into the dust of Hell whence it came.

I had a double session of radical radiation therapy every morning and another double set every afternoon for 20 days. 80 treatments, 20 days.

STRAPPED DOWN – MY VERY FIRST TREATMENT

Amazing technology

GRADUATION DAY!!!

I kept my mask. A gentle, but stark reminder of this “Walk With Dann.”

March 2, 2019 4a.m.- My spleen literally exploded. I bled out. I was brought back.

The surgeon and various doctors could only say one word to describe the recovery and my being alive.

“MIRACLE”

“Valhalla does not wish for my company and Helheim has a Peace Bond on me.”

I will post a few more similar blogs such like this one.

To add a face to my “Diary of An Old Man With The C”.

Until then I shall be wruting in the two works I have in ‘progress’.

I want to leave behind my story for my future generations to understand who and why I was placed upon this beautiful blue marble.

Till then,

Adieu

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D-day 4 Dann

I have cancer on my mind.

Literally ….. true story.

As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.

Which has migrated into my skull proper.

Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.

So,

Deja Vu.

Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.

The physical pain is insane.

Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.

I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.

And, Deja Vu.

Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.

The second night in a row.

Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.

I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.

BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.

I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.

I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.

I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.

I know the pain that inflicts all too well.

I am not dishonest in love.

I don’t lie about my emotions.

Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.

Who would want to claim a false love as real love” ?

No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.

Many people contort the definition of “love”.

I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.

I love my ‘Queen’.

The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.

She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.

And one Corazon is all you get.

I have many friends.

The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.

I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.

But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.

Definitely not in a sexual way.

It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.

A completely different type of love.

Secondly,

My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….

Walk With Dann” .

That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.

61 years of hurt I endured so far.

The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.

I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.

You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).

I am tired. Very, very tired.

Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.

Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.

You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.

For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.

Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.

I am tired of adult life.

I am very, very, very tired.

And now it is D DAY 4 Dann

Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,

or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,

or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.

Yahoo!!!!!!

Good news for some people … not so much me.

I am tired.

Very tired.

I am all alone in a crowded room.

That room called ‘life‘.

And I am tired.

As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”

“I’m ready my Lord”.

Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.

I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.

Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.

I want to.

I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.

I am tired of existing.

30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.

But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?

And I am tired, very tired.

I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.

Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.

I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.

No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.

And now …….

I am tired.

I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.

Be it sooner or much later.

I will smile as I enter either.

For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.

I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.

And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.

I have a huge decision to make today.

It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.

At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.

We will see what happens at the hospital.

I am tired and I want to go home.

Plus, I ain’t looking so well …

MI Corazon,  MI Fuego

Can love be measured? 

How does one measure an emotion?

Perhaps it may be tallied by the unexpected embraces or the euphoria of the spontaneous kiss.

I have grown to realize that there are many categories of ‘love‘.

The most common being “friendship” love. 

That emotion and comfort we all get from knowing a person has earned the love and the respect garnering the “Friend” label.

LIFE” love is a rarity. 

It would be a disillusionment to believe the ‘Love of Life’ resides in everyone. That is a privilege for the greater minority. 

Some believe “sex” is “Love“. (It is not.  It is merely ‘sex’)

Ironically,  there does exist “Love OF sex”. 

Now, that is a humorous flaw in the human genetics. 

The second most damaging love is “Euphoric” love.

That human trait of constantly seeking escapism from daily realities. 

Be it via adrenalin rushes, influences of drugs, staggers of alcohol or peculiar fetishes, we all have our personal ‘highs’. 

Numero uno of the damaging love is,  hands down, “False” love.

That love directed at you by a spouse or endeared, but falsified by adultery or deceit. 

Which brings us to “True” love. 

How do you measure the strongest emotional instinct embedded within us? How?

I have true love towards a beautiful soul. 

An alluring Latino Queen with a golden Spanish heart.

Mi Corazon. Mi fuego.

My true friend and confidant. 

A Very Happy & Loving Day In My Life

You could say, “I love her with all my heart and soul”

But, is that a measure?

I know I truly do love mi Corazon. 

No matter what I may opposite imply.

That area of my mind that plays tunes and flashes emotions at me periodically tells me so.

When for no reason I wish I were holding her. 

(Namely due to the fact my ‘Lighthouse ‘ radar tells me she is in need of a hug)

Is knowing and ACTUALLY feeling her emotions a true measure of how much I love her?

Or the daydream of couch cuddling in front of the television?

Maybe it is when I awaken, nervously,  from a deep sleep and wish she were next to me just because. 

MI CORAZON ♡☆♡

Our lives are unusual in the everyday sense.

We are NOT a couple. 

We were. 

We may be again.

We ARE very close friends. 

We are so aligned that we can have conversations without speaking a word. 

She knows how to soothe the savage beast within me. 

She comforts my pains. 

I can cry without embarrassment in her presence.

But, her truest gift is her honesty to me. I do believe her words.  

Unfortunately,  I am burdened with ‘age’. I am sixty years old in eleven days. Twenty plus years her senior. 

Is it fair for me to have such deep love and feelings for a gorgeous woman who will definitely outlive me by many a year?

My main reason for not continuing dating her was that my love for her, at the time, was great enough I realized my lifestyle would damage her.

And I loved her then and even more now,  but, I did not and do not want to cause her stress, sorrows or pain.

I have quit the previous lifestyle. 

And I spend a minimal of ten hours each day wishing I were next to her. 

That I could smell her hair as my arms embrace her and our ‘Lights’ entwine.

My love is strong enough that I am extremely at ease with being her friend with ‘cuddle rights’.

Mi Corazon, mi fuego

My heart, however, wants to nuture, RESPECT, protect and LOVE her always. 
Maybe “True Love” is measured by how much testosterone is released when the loved one is thought of?

I believe love is not measurable.  

It is infinite and existing in a non-existent manner. 

Love is feeling each other without effort or doubt. 

Love is ageless yet ages.  Like a fine Irish whiskey. 

Love is the flutter in my heart when I hold my Spanish Queen. 

Love is calmness in my soul when she hugs me back.

Love is my finding mi Corazon more sensually  attractive each day. 

Love is the excitement I feel when I first see her.

Love does not always mean cohabitation.

Love is definitely NOT control. 

Falling deeper in love the more she matures into a vision of womanhood.

Love is the heart, the soul and the mind becoming one and teaching you that love is real and before your very eyes.

Luckily,  I’m a LightHouse and am Blessed to see, feel and know love from mi Corazon.

SO I SAY TO YOU MY LOVE ….

Mi amor es fiel a mi sensual reina española de mi corazón. 

El fuego en mi alma. 

La calma en mi corazón y el pensamiento constante en mi mente. 

Te amo Corazón y mucho más, mucho más que eso, te aprecio como eres. 

De mi alma a la tuya.

My love is true to my sensual Spanish Queen of my heart.  

The fire in my soul. 

The calmness in my heart and the constant thought in my mind. 

I love you Corazon and more, much more than that, I appreciate YOU as YOU are. 

From my soul to yours.

So sayeth the LightHouse Dann Verner on this twenty-fourth day of September, 2017.

LightHouse Dann  on and in various media

Wired Magazine May 2002

Bear in mind that the internet was only ten years old and a five gig hard drive was the biggest you could buy

https://www.wired.com/2002/05/superuser/

 

Enercare Connections is unbelievable

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/toronto-man-received-2-years-worth-of-electricity-bills-at-once-1.2852927

 

Government lies regarding cell phone companies

http://www.cbc.ca/news/thenational/wireless-ad-campaign-falls-flat-1.2635636

 

Cell phone companies lie regarding government agencies

http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/cellphone-wireless-complaint-ccts-1.3955921
It was worth the drive to Acton, Ontario 

Dispensery Fiasco

I begin many conversations with,  “What is wrong with everyone? ”

So,  deja vu, but,

What is wrong with everyone?

Everybody done got their tail feathers in the air.  Blaming the government for their illegal dispensaries being shut down. Turning this into another fiasco created by government agencies and a handful of yuppie activists  (who usually live in million dollar homes in The Beaches).

A bunch of young very healthy, stoned, camera hogging opportunists getting their fifteen minutes of fame.  Claiming they can no longer get their  “medical” herb.

Oh, and the one crackhead “spokeswoman” who could not say a word without adding a “fuck” to it. Nice job Blonde Hoho – welfare cheque is out tonight.  You were a model voice for the cause. NOT !!!

Give my multi persona of a brain a break!!!

The legal dispenseries and the on-line LEGAL  avenues are still there.

As they ALWAYS HAVE BEEN for legal card holding prescription buyers.

Anyone who has an iota of street knowledge knows, as do the police, that most of the closed dispensaries were, plain and simply,  a QUICK MONEY GRAB funded by some clandestine well off clique.

They may even be gangsters like you see in YouTube videos.  No crap – true story.

But, we all still want to believe that it is THE MAN holding us down and punishing the sick.

Funny,  now there is no longer any dispensery were you can pop in after leaving the gym and get “medical” pot after spending five minutes and a mere processing fee to suddenly need a quarter pound of pot a week.

Damn the police for enforcing the existing laws.

Damn them because now it will be THEIR  FAULT  that dispenseries and pot will soon be legalized.

DAMN THEM!!!!

AFTER ALL,  IT WILL BE LEGAL EVENTUALLY.  SO, UNTIL IT IS LEGAL, WHY CAN’T WE BREAK THE LAW?

But,  what no one seems to understand or let the public know is :

THE MEDICINAL PATIENT WITH A REAL CARD AND THEIR PRESCRIPTION CAN STILL EASILY BUY FROM THE LEGALLY LICENSED LOCATIONS OR EVEN HAVE IT COURIERED  FROM LICENSED DISPENSARIES.

Why, then, are they crying on the news saying they don’t know what they are going to do now.

The ONLY ones who are suffering is  the non-medical customers. And you can buy kush on damn near every corner in the whole GTA.

Please feel free to leave a comment.  Comment button is at the top of the page.

Follow me cause I’ll run through your veins like a fish in the sea.

Does Anyone Actually Believe Kathleen Wynne Cares About Black Lives, the Poor, Elderly or Disabled???

Does anyone actually believe this B*tch gives a damn about blacks or poor or disabled or elderly????

C’mon, give your head a shake.

To her the blacks, poor, elderly and crippled are a nuisance…… I pray every night that the next election all the lazy asses get up and vote – things will never change unless the POOR VOTE, so that their voices may be heard

Premier Kathleen Wynne speaks with protesters at a Black Lives Matter protest at Queen’s Park Monday April 4, 2016.

 

Premier Kathleen Wynne speaks with protesters at a Black Lives Matter protest at Queen's Park Monday April 4, 2016.

SUICIDE AND OTHER HUMAN CHARTERISTICS

So, touchy subject, ‘SUICIDE’ – I do believe you all may have heard of this quirky little characteristic you humans have.

This evening, after a few accidental shots of good old Wray & Nephew combined with the cancer meds, my lust for kush weed and the newly acquired pneumonia meds. (Yes folks on top of everything else I now have pneumonia – I had a different one in the sixties behind the high school – she spelt her name”Knew Moanforya – just saying)

Ok, come on here – damn – suicide is a serious thing!!!!!!

I know this as fact – I actually did kill myself before and was brought back by two burly EMS angels and a divine misconception or maybe intervention.’ 


 You can read briefly about it in my previously published : “I COMMITTED SUICIDE ONCE”

Now, what brought me to sit and dance on these keys this fine evening was a video I observed on the ever addictive FaceF*ck, I mean FaceBook. I actually, no homo, cried my heart out while watching this confession of a fellow suicidal depressed soul. YES! I actually bawled for I am man enough to tell you straight up – I KILLED myself once and the only thing that actually died was my family, my marriage, my dignity and my children’s childhood. No family can ever recover from such a traumatic life changing event. And my marriage and my family of 32 years dissolved into a BALL OF GRADE A 1 DIS-FUNCTIONALITY.

This is the video I speak of:

 

Watch it! Overstand it!

Read my previous blog or call me _ I will talk with you.

BUT …. and I mean, “BUT” ….. if you or you are aware of someone who is contemplating offing themselves, please show them that there are souls who still love, hearts that still care and people who ARE there.

We all have demons – and sometimes, every now and then those demons get the upper hand. 

My name is LightHouse Dann, or Shakie, or Unkz or just plain old Dann. You need to talk to someone who has experience seven deaths, including one real suicide – you need to speak to someone who can relate – well – you email me at lighthousedannverner@gmail.com – send me your digits or I will send you mine or if you are more comfortable we can do email.

Suicide does not KILL your pain – it creates more by KILLING your most loved ones.

I am here – “Come, Walk With Dann”.

I love you all.

 

 

Religion is MAN-MADE

Religion is MAN-MADE
There is a large difference between following a religion and believing in a higher power.

Religion is MAN-MADE – belief comes from the soul and all creatures, all living life has an energy that no science, no religion can explain.

Religion will be/is the downfall of mankind. Just another type of gang in a race of people who have always formed into groups claiming their gang is better than your gang.

And now I will hear from all the fanatical gang members – Catholic’s will Bless themselves, Muslim’s will tell me there is only their faith, the extremist will rape my budgie.

You are all a boxed set – gang members hiding under the cloaks of man-made opinions.

I have been dead seven times – WHAT A SURPRISE YOU ALL HAVE COMING UPON YOUR DEATH – no virgins, no Tim Horton’s in the clouds – just penance and explanations to why you lived your life the way you have.

“WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?”

This one is for the politicians:

 

I have not heard one single word from Kathleen Wynne, Tim Hudak or whatshername, oh yea, Andrea Horwath regarding any plans to help the elderly or those on disability.

 Bear in mind people that the higher the minimum wage – the higher the prices of everyday items and the cost of living in general. Ontario Disability Support Program only raises the income supplement by 1% every year – while the average rent goes up by 3.25% – that alone leaves the disabled with a minus 2.25%. Many parents on ODSP skip meals so they will have that meal for their children.

 

I understand the push to get more jobs and help the middle income, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY NONE OF YOU ARE EVEN MENTIONING THE POOR OR ELDERLY.

 

SO, I ASK OF YOU, “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?”

SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES

 

Sometimes we live.

 

Sometimes we die.

 

Sometimes we give.

 

Sometimes we cry.

 

 

Sometimes we stand to live.

 

Sometimes we sit to die.

 

Eight times I did live.

 

Seven times I did die.

 

 

This time I live and worry.

 

This time I stand and pray.

 

This time from Death I scurry.

 

This time I wish for a new day.

 

 

Today I ponder.

 

Today I shake.

 

Today I wonder…….. does my soul they “take”.

 

It is to be decided by your Gods,

and Shake.