Tag Archives: Hell

In My Secret Life

We all have many ‘lives‘ per se.

We all have that one secret life. With most it is a harmless secret.

I have put most my lives out there. In blogs and in my novels.

Yet, I have that one life I rarely reveal …….

My ‘secret‘ life.

The one where I cry dry tears, moaning silent cries of regrets and anguish.

To quote Leonard Cohen,

“I bite my lip
I buy what I’m told:
From the latest hit
To the wisdom of old
But I’m always alone
And my heart is like ice
And it’s crowded and cold
In my secret life”

The one that haunts my sleep and steals my rest. Leaving me ashamed and broken.

The one I have no words to describe. The one that stole my happiness in life.

I had a concept of happiness in my life, not to say I had never experienced such. But, I stole that from myself by my refusal to follow my dreams at a younger age. A theft of my future. Robbing myself of what my life could have been if I had dropped the masks of being an old school rebel tainted by my hatred of living.

Perhaps it was my Heroin fogged adolescent years. Or perhaps the intoxicated cloud of my twenties. It may have even been my refusal to secure a solid base for my elder years.

It may be the guilt of stealing away my many children’s futures.

It definitely has led to my self flogging. To my lashing my spiritual back thirteen stripes each and every evening before I lay down to suffer the horrors of flashbacks for crimes of my past.

I have done things most only read about in novels or see upon the screens of televisions during prime time movies.

Things best never revealed. Lest cause more pain for my family and friends.

I have danced with the Devils. I have shared meals with Evil. I have choked down the truth as I concocted lies to cover my tracks. Burying the evidence six cold feet below the eyes of society.

I will dance with the Devils again. In an eternal ballet of penance and regrets. Karma and her brother Chaos have shadowed me for six decades. They await me still in Valhalla.

Perhaps my beloved mother, (ironically her name is ‘Mary‘), saw this at my birth. Thus, leaving me to thrive or die at six months of age.

I have ‘Walked‘ my seven plains of time and space continuum’s. My eighth, the final ‘Walk” we all will stride, shall be my version of your ‘Heaven‘ or far more likely your ‘Hell“.

I already know what awaits me after my final death. Perhaps many years from now when I know it is my time I shall write that final chapter in a book or blog.

Part of my penance has been remembering my first seven cracks at the bat of life. We are not suppose to remember the ‘Seven Walks’. That is a pleasure only those with no guilt get to enjoy. Reserved for those who followed society’s basic rules. Your Ten Commandments, for lack of a better term. I broke nine of the Biblical ten – I have never committed adultery while still with my beloved wife. Having not divorced and having been separated for years, as she went her way and I mine, I have technically committed adultery as defined by their Bible.

In reality, I have never strayed while loving and living with my wife, Jennifer.

“Why eat a cookie when you have a beautiful cake at home?”

All my life I often joked that I was awaiting the return of the ‘Mothership‘. This I now know was my inner child waiting for my mother to return to that cold, damp crib in that empty house and show me a mothers love. I never have had the opportunity to be rewarded with that emotion.

My secret life is/was the pain that moment implanted into my soul. The Mothership will never come. For that ship blasted off to a different world then I shall ever know.

The scars of her choice left me with a defiance and darkness that can not be explained. The only physical evidence being my life of refusing to bend to the ways of man. My strong willed desire to shout blatantly,

“And I will not be commanded
And I will not be controlled
And I will not let my future go on
Without the help of my soul.”
(The Lost Boy – Greg Holden)

But, does one born into evil and abandonment have a soul?

Unfortunately for me, I am not in the position to answer that. For what I experienced while dead seven times I am not able to explain in words. I have detailed most of the experiences as best I could in my books and past blogs.

Some things are best left untold so as not to destroy your concept of life and death.

I have tried to make amends. Hence my inviting you to come “Walk With Dann.” A futile attempt to reach out to hopefully steer one soul away from the path I chose.

My Walks with you can only take you as far as your reality. For my reality is only shared with others who have strode a similar path as I have. I am not the only one to have been cursed with remembering the Seven Walks. Knowing that number eight holds no choice. That there will be only one path the final ride. Not the seven choices we are all given with the first seven. Dante’ knew of these when he scribe his “Inferno”.

The saddest part of all this is that I have many years yet to pay my penance. There lay before me decades carrying the weight of wrongs upon my broken back. I suspect I shall bear this cross till I reach the age of 112. For I have been told by the Creators that I shall live till then. Mind you they lay no guarantee that it will be a pleasant journey. In fact, it will be a painful existence wrought with discomfort and pain.

Physics teaches that for every action there lays an equal yet opposite reaction. Faith teaches the same. Good versus evil – push versus pull. Light versus dark. Truths versus lies.

Each night for nigh on sixty years I have been plagued with sleep not arriving until all my wrongs play out like a collection of short vignettes and seal my eyes into sleep with dry tears and silent screams.

This is my “Secret Life




Everyday I try to convince myself to stay positive.  


Everyday I struggle with the meaning of MY existence on this beautiful planet.  

Everyday life kicks me in my testicles. Relentlessly, cruelly, constantly and all hope dwindles. 

I cannot comprehend how much penance YOUR “God” demands from me. 

Yes, I did many a wrong. 

Yes, I broke nine of Catholicism’s Ten Commandments.  

(I can go to my Hell knowing that I NEVER committed “Adultery”.) 

So, at least I have that.

I am in such a dire place. 

The end of every month I gaze at my cheque and try to construct someway to pay the deposit of the first and last month’s rent as required in Ontario to obtain a place.

I, also, have to pay for lodging at whomever has reached out to help me until I can get my own place.  

I,  also, must feed my Son, my dogs and I eat once every day or two – mostly every second day. 

I don’t drink or even smoke weed anymore.  

Intoxicated existence is for COWARDS who do not have the capability or balls to face their lives.

I may be a petite man, but I definitely have big balls.

I hide nothing about my life. 

I confess openly my digressions and I admit willingly the harms and dangers I placed upon society.

Yet, my penance is still active.  

I pray – constantly – to MY ‘Many Faced Gods ‘. I ask THEM for forgiveness and guidance.

And yet, I am crying.

And I do not want to cry anymore. 

I do not want to battle the Demon constantly telling me to swallow a 44 Magnum bullet. 

I do not want to battle the Demon constantly telling me to “FRACK IT” and return to the ‘Easy Street’ of dealing China White, Black Tar and Afghani weapons. 

I will never again place Canadian dollars into the hands of the very people who are plotting to annihilate the existence of my fellow ‘infidels’.

I pray everyday to finally be allowed to live somewhere. 

That prayer is yet to be answered.  

And I know not what to do.  

I am not a dreg on society. 

I cannot simply “call my worker” and receive a free handout. 

I will NOT sell drugs, weapons or souls ever again. 

I will NEVER return to the biker or Bloods life. 




I never knew of love as a child, hell, I barely knew of it as an adult until MY Gods allowed me to share my heart with Terry and Maria.  

I am a Blessed man for that allowance.



On June 29th, this coming Thursday,  I will finally know how many days, months or years I may live.

I am ready for the result

As the Jewish pray, “HINENI – I AM READY MY LORD”. 

I confessed to my Gods my willingness to pay the price for the sins I have committed towards “YOU”, my fellow man.

I am willing to let my penance be a slow and painful death. 

All I beg for is to somehow obtain a place to call my own once again.  A place where I can smile through the pain and watch my Son and my dogs live a proper life.

And if not …….

then let the Demons win ….

and take me now, suffer not my tormented soul yet one more day  …..

for I AM ready my Lords – if beit the price I am to pay.