(Re-post – original posting March 2008 dannverner.spaces.live)
I woke Up And Realized It Was Confession Time………
In my 38 years living on my own in the deepest roots of the darkest part of society and then later in years living in the deepest roots of being rich and “Joe Citizen”, then returning to become a meager man, “Just Dann”, I have discovered a few things that have been constant throughout all ages – some people are good, some evil and some are agitators in the machine.
The reason our youth are like they are is the learned behaviorism from us adults. Our media, our ways and our quest to hide behind intoxicants and drugs so that we do not see the reality we have created. Our constant and very much genetic habit of “finding a reason to misplace blame”, our reluctance to readily admit, “I fucked up”.
There is quite a difference in allowing one’s self to want to save society and people as a whole and trying to bail out a sinking ocean liner.
Some elements in our society are “bad apples” – they MUST exist for in an universe that is based on physics and said physical law that for “Every action there is an opposite and equal reaction”, there will always be good and bad, evil and angelic, criminal and law abiding, dealers and undercover officers and most of all hate and love. In most dictionaries this would be defined in simple terms as “Human Life”.
But, there are some elements to modern societal dance that should be dealt with differently. For to be “high” from morning till night has become the norm with all our youth, because all the adults are constantly going to bars, smoking pot, taking headache medicines, promoting sex and neglecting the basic rules of “Teaching by example”.
I have personally encountered many souls that I thought had a truthful outlook on society and themselves. I was wrong with many.
In my life walk I estimate, and this would be a liberal figure, that I have encountered and exchanged thoughts with well over ten thousand people. I was a “Siddhartha” of the seventies, eighties and nineties.
I ventured on a quest to understand my fellow man and by doing so I had habitually become a “questioner” and a “recorder of thoughts”.
My mind is filled with a collage of other people’s poyls of wisdom, their lives and what society had dumped upon their laps. I have been disgusted with the way that everyone immediately finds a reason to put the onus or blame on other people. Any apology or statement that ends with a “BUT YOU” is not an apology – it is an “opinion”, and an opinion is only worth as much as the honesty and realism of the person from which it comes.
Society was and is constructed on a “fail or survive” structure. Thereby, I am saying onto you, “that whoever or whatever decided to create us, also put into place a pathway of tricks to make us learn the difference between right and wrong”.
They gave us ‘truth and honesty’ as also the opposing ‘lies and deceit’.
I have done many wrongs in my life – and any who have really “known” me, any who have actually “Walked with Dann”, will tell you straight up that I do take blame for my actions or any and all of my part in a downfall or misguided intention.
When do I more commonly do this? Simply answered…my habitual relapsing into the under belly of society – the twenty year old Biker and gang-banger coming once more to the fifty year old worn down surface of Dann’s World.
There was a time in my life whereas I lived by the gun, the gun was my big brother, my voice and my constant companion. That gun led to me not knowing the beauty of a high school dance, not experiencing a 17th,18th,19th,20th,21st,22nd and many other birthdays and Christmases. That gun led to me harming my fellow man……..that gun left me with a life long regret and sorrow that can not be removed or forgotten.
I had two distinctively different but also equal “GUNS” – I had the physical ‘9mm full auto mag’ accompanied by the universally gang related ‘sawed off pump 12 gauge’ – that was the visual “gun”, but my secondary “gun” was the most harmful.
My secondary weapon was “drugs” – and my desire to do them at the expense of creating a large group of addicted customers – so as their “grief’s” and their “destruction” lay at my hand. For is I had to spend a thousand dollars per day on my arm, then they would have to buy four thousand from my coffers.
So, I now must go through my life wondering how many deaths my selling Heroin has caused, how many robberies, how many home invasions – how much sorrow did my being a “PUSHER” create in this world?
I could have chosen to be a “drug dealer”, but I wanted to ride for free so, I became a “drug pusher”. Listen to Steppenwolf’s “The Pusher” – listen carefully.
What is the difference you are asking? A drug ‘dealer’ sells his product to those who seek him out and he deals in harmless drugs like hashish or marijuana, whereas the “Pusher” deals in addictive opiates and man made concoctions that lead to destruction, he does not ‘sell’ but rather ‘promotes’ to his customers.
This is just one example of what happens within our societal structures. Another example is a very basic and easily explained and often occurring instance of common human characterization.
“What troubles walk into our lives are those that you readily open your arms too.”
I have done this so many times, I am thankful that I did. For, every time I foolishly let my guard down and permitted to let past habits and past acquaintances to enter into the realm of my life as I have chosen to live it the past few years, every time I have fell victim to my own misjudgments.
You cannot and should not play both sides of the societal FENCE. The Cosmic Muffin or “GOD” if you wish, she placed that fence there for a reason. The “FENCE” is the “APPLE” in the Garden of Eden. The barrier of good vs. evil.
In short, sometimes when you stretch out that hand in friendship and care, the receiver may just as well bite your fingers off. There are those who can be saved and those who will lead you on to accomplish their own agenda and goals.
There are many who disagree with my philosophies and many who like to lay blame on me for the out right defilement of my deserved respect. Oh well! They can get over it. I am not the gun-toting and very evil “Shakie Dann” of my past, I am “Dann – just as I am”.
I will still spread my Light on those who need and want it. I will not make excuses or take blame for the actions of others and their need to mask their failures, fears and lives with the absolute need to be intoxicated or “high” everyday. Nor will I understand how some who call themselves our friend can enter into another person’s domain at their will and create such havoc that the blame falls solely on the one who suffered at that intrusion.
If it smells like a useless human who cares only about downgrading and harming his fellow human then that is what it is.
I have admitted readily that I was not always a good soul, I can readily admit that in certain circumstances I can very easily become a dangerous person. BUT, I CAN ALSO ADMIT THAT I DO NOT WANT THAT LIFESTYLE…….I DO NOT WANT TO BE PRESENT NEAR GROWN MEN WHO SPEAK OF BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LIKE THEY ARE WHORES TO BE MANIPULATED AND USED AS A TAMPON FOR THEIR SELFISH DESIRES. I REFUSE TO ALLOW BAD PEOPLE TO DO BAD THINGS TO MY LOVED ONES. TO DISRESPECT THE DOMAINS AND FEELINGS OF OTHERS. TO DO HARM.
In closing may I state that I am a remorseful man for my actions of my past, this is why I am on my walk through your realms. I desire to make a change, if it be only one soul in my whole lifetime or a thousand souls. I want only to make a change – to create one soul who does not have to realize or live through what my life has seen.
You can only save those who grab the life line. There is no intoxicant that remove a problem, it can only mask it.