Hiraeth

Those who know me overstand how the greater my pain or whatever tragedy I may be experiencing in life,  I persistently find the humorous side of said life.

My pain is insane. You could say it has caught up to my personality. Lol

I caught myself slipping  down the dark pathway to depression and “Oh poor me.”

This I must tell does not sit with me well.

To make a feeble attempt to quell the darkness I am returning to complete the second book in my “That’s My Good Eye,  Jimi” series.

A Canadian Saga

The saga of four lads from the South End of Saint John continues.

This series walks a completely different pathway than my earlier works. Simple tales of the struggles and growth of four life long friends going through life.

The first of the series, “Metanoia” introduces you to Madman McIsaac, Dirtbag, Boston Bob and Shake as they burst out of childhood and into manhood.

Available at:

http://amazon.com/author/lighthouseverner

Or just Google “LightHouse Dann”

“I think, therefore, You are.”

My son, Delaney Jordan McLean Verner’s Tragic Biography.

“HE DIED. JUST LIKE THAT.”

There is one TV  commercial that gets under my skin. ColonialPenn’s where the “76” year old guy that runs marathons died, “just like that“.

It aggravates me to no end.

People, we ALL die “just like that of that“.

I have been legally dead 11 times since 1999. Resuscitated each time.

Each time spending long periods on life support. Each time my loved ones scarred for life. My wife still has PTSD.

You might be sick for a long time or you might be in an accident, but , believe me, you actually die in a millisecond and it hurts more than any words can say.

It’s an experience I wish upon no soul.

Insurance company or not – they should NOT be minimizing the finality of life. Certainly not to gain clients.

Society is not only losing its young by the loss of family structure and values, it is losing the compassion that makes us all human.

Everything is disposable  –  including life, marriage, morals, friendships and, in some cases, our youth.

Troubled child? Throw them into the “System” and let someone else deal with him.

Ninety percent of the time that youth “dies just like that.” Suicide, maybe an overdose or murdered on the street.  “Just like that.”

There are many other ways for such companies gain revenue than “making light of death.“

My Lords people,  when are we as a society going to put the “human” back into “humanity?”

One Love is more than a Bob Marley song. It is a plea for hope – hope for humanity living in a world where all is precious and all people are worthy of equality and compassion.

A simple smile to a stranger is a start. Recognizing the down and out without expecting a pat on the back – perhaps buying a homeless soul a mere coffee on a cold morning or slipping a ten spot into the pocket of that poor youth sleeping over a grate. Not bragging about it on social media. Not looking for any kudos. Like the sport wear ads says, “Just do it.

This is what makes a better world.

Yet, I fear it will be many decades,  perhaps centuries,  before the average Joe overstands “Love, one love, one race – the true human race“.

No colours, no creeds, no judgements.

I often fill with tears of sorrow when I watch my world turn so cold and uncaring. I am full of those tears now.

That is the impact of advertising and it’s brainwashing of this old Urban Viking.

That is the impact on the majority of society. We live in modern times with barbarian attitudes.

I leave you with this simple message:

“I LOVE YOU.  YES! YOU!”

My Personal Pandemic of 2021

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I haven’t been writing much these past few months. I had gotten lost in the swirling pools of emotions brought on by the various physical and mental health issues that have been plaguing me.

I am a realist. Reality is real. This Luekemia diagnosis is reality. It suckered me into the confines of ‘fright‘.

Those who know me well, know that the emotion of being afraid is not one that I experience often.

That being said, you would be correct to believe that there lay few things in life that scare me.

I  realize that my failing eyesight and hearing, the ulcers eating my tongue, the COPD, GERD, the failing kidney and sickly liver combined with the Luekemia diagnosis SCARED me.

Factor in the Butterfly effect and being ‘scared‘ scared me.

Why?

I have so many people – family and the hundreds of friends I have acquired throughout my life and via my social media sites who would and will be pained and broken hearted should I pass.

They will be ‘hurt‘.

I cannot have the weight of their pain upon these mortal shoulders.

Therefore, much to the dismay of some, I shall fight tooth and nail to overcome both  these physical and mental health issues. I will battle them as a true Urban Viking may.

And I will rise from the smoke of the battlefield like an iconic Phoenix.  For, and I say this from the deepest caverns of my very soul, I have a calling that I must fulfill.

I am destined to start a “Smile Pandemic”

So, I ask of you all, to join me in giving a smile or two each day to at least one soul. Whether they need one or not.

For to smile is to show appreciation for the breath you have just inhaled.

To smile is to spread love with each exhale.

Smiles are far more contagious then Covid 19.

Let history record us as the culprits who started the Smile 2021 Pandemic.

So sayeth The LightHouse Verner on this gorgeous evening of May 20, 2021.

#LightHouseVerner
#TheLastCanadianCosmonaut
#LightHouseDann
#TheOriginalUrbanViking
#bethechangeyouwanttosee

The Fear of Cancer

Not often I have ‘fear‘.

I have it now. I fear that I may not beat this cancer.

I was diagnosed on October 22nd, 2018, with Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Stage four.

I was past the ability to be treated via chemotherapy and conventional radiation. My only three options were let nature take her course or surgery to remove my complete tongue and lymph nodes (leaving me with zero quality of life) or receive radical aggressive radiation.

I chose the latter. Receiving a double session twice per day for twenty days. The actual treatment was easy. Just lay down, strapped in a cage and a mere fifteen minutes listening to Pink Floyd as the machine’s robotic arms did their task.

I was pleased when on March the first I completed the therapy and was told it had succeeded in killing all the tumors.

What I didn’t understand at that time was the worse part comes after the therapy. As the tumors diminished the damage from the radiation and cancer surfaces. This, apparently, can go on for up to two years.

My throat swelled and on the exterior turned purple. A side affect of the radiation burn and dying tissues within.

I had a few complications during the course of treatment. I developed a huge abscess in my lower abdominal cavity, possibly from the feeding g-tube implant. It required minor surgery to remove and drain. This was followed by a major battle with septicemia. A battle I thankfully won.

I was released from the Princess Margaret Cancer Center on January 31, 2019. After being hospitalized for twenty seven days. I was glad to be home.

At four in the morning of February the 2nd my spleen exploded. I bled out and have only survived because I live blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital. I was revived. Received four pints of blood, rapid infusion of Ringers lactate, a litre of iron sucrose and twenty nine staples on my abdomen. Complete removal of my spleen.

I spent all of February and half of March in Princess Margaret. My weight dropped down to ninety seven pounds. A far cry from my average one hundred and seventy.

I look like a survivor from a Nazi Death Camp.

I was sent home mid March to complete my treatment as an out-patient.

Things were well at first. I could not swallow most food so I was dependant on six cans of condensed Isosource nutrients to feed my body. I managed to get my weight up to one hundred and twenty-two pounds.

But, a big but, the damage from the tumors and radiation was surfacing more and more. The pain of swallowing increasingly getting worse. To the point I feared swallowing even my saliva.

This I am still plagued with as I write.

My weight loss increased and depression tried to take over my logic. I feared that I would definitely die. I have that fear still, as do my caregivers.

No longer able to function properly I resigned myself to the reality of coming back into the hospital.

Presently, I am hospitalized in the magnificent Toronto General Hospital. A Blessing of living in Toronto with the world class treatment of Toronto General and the adjoined Princess Margaret Cancer Center. Two of the best hospitals worldwide.

If I lived anywhere else I am positive I would not be authoring this blog on this foggy Sunday morning.

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I am not sure what is to happen to me next. Neither are my team of doctors.

I have been here a mere few days, having been admitted on the twenty four of May. So, I am awaiting the results of my MRI, CT Scan and numerous other tests.

Tomorrow I have to have minor surgery to re-implant a gastric feeding tube and biopsy of my tongue and throat.

So far my diagnosis is as follows:

1) as my body absorbed the dead tumors it left behind holes, like potholes in a road. These ‘holes‘ have developed ulcers.

2) The ulcers can be one of three types. (A) non-cancerous, (B) Cancerous but treatable and (C) Cancerous non-treatable

3) I am severely malnourished and dehydrated.

Hopefully, by tomorrow evening I will know for sure what battle lays before me.

I am a ‘realist’. Hence, I take things in stride. It is what it is and I will deal with whatever falls my way with logic over emotions.

I also trained myself to always expect the worse possible scenarios. Reason being if I am expecting the worse no matter what my diagnosis is to be it shall be better than what I expected. A small comfort in such a serious situation.

I am not being unrealistic in my expectations. I am in a serious situation.

After many discussions with all my treatment team and my beloved family, I made the difficult decision to put in place a DNR, (Do Not Resuscitate), on my medical record.

This is justified and many tears were shed coming to the decision. It is the best avenue to take considering the condition of my physical form. My bone density is very low which means that if I were to receive CPR my ribs would shatter. Greater risk is that my heart and poor physical condition makes it ninety nine percent positive I will slip into a coma – a coma I will not recover from.

I pray no one ever has to have this discussion with their family. It was/is the most heartbreaking talk I have ever imagined having to have.

Saddest part being the reaction of my family and friends. I, being the patient, fully have accepted that I am knocking on the gates of Valhalla. I did not wish to accept it, but it is what it is.

I also have refused any major surgery that will disfigure and disable me. I refuse wholeheartedly to have my love ones suffer the anguish of watching me whither away, perhaps for weeks or months. That would scar their very souls for life. It would be selfish of me to put them through such.

They understand. They don’t like accepting it, but, once again, it is what it is.

I am not, by far, a ‘religious’ man. I am a man of faith. I believe in a higher, supreme power. Over the past 15 years I have been brought back to life 9 times so far. I wrote about these times previously. It’s suffice to say my life has been full of numerous ups and downs. Often down. It strengthened my personality and outlook on life. To most they would say my life was tragic. I see it as just ‘my life’. Sixty-one and a half years of learning and growth.

So, as it stands today, I have a battle to win. And I shall win because I am surrounded by true caring and love. I have a large group of beautiful souls who have formed a ‘Prayer Army’ on my behalf. Believe or not, but there is a power in prayers. They don’t have to be church indoctrinated chants, but rather sincere and positive praise to whoever you perceive as your Creator.

I am anxious to get the results of the tests tomorrow. The waiting and the fear of what may be is far more disheartening than the cancers themselves. The fear of the unknown instills an anxiety that clouds judgement.

I prefer sunny days over cloudy ones.

So, I will leave you now and I will blog whatever happens next in my wonderful life as soon as I know.

Until then, I remain ‘Dann, just as I am – – – The Original Urban Viking’.

NAMASTE’ MY FRIENDS

And remember to ……

ALWAYS PRAY IT FORWARD

BLESS

DANN – JUST AS I AM

Speaking with my dear cousin this morning and I have to share this part of our conversation so that all who know me will understand what I am THANKFUL  for…..

“I started at the age of ten and the demons were winning for many years. Foster care,  jails, pain,sorrow and after Dorchester I finally found “ME”. I have never gone back to jail since my release in 1981 and the powers that be Blessed me with three sons and many other “sons and daughters” that wandered into my life from broken homes. I still have demons but I have learned to live with them. I can never undo the pains and sorrow I inflicted on my family and others. But, I can stand as a man and take responsibility and hopefully be a better man and role model for those who are in my life.
I paid a high price for my actions.  Lost my childhood,  my teens and yet I hold my head high for I am Dann, just as I am.”

And so it is that I am ……..