The Fear of Cancer

Not often I have ‘fear‘.

I have it now. I fear that I may not beat this cancer.

I was diagnosed on October 22nd, 2018, with Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Stage four.

I was past the ability to be treated via chemotherapy and conventional radiation. My only three options were let nature take her course or surgery to remove my complete tongue and lymph nodes (leaving me with zero quality of life) or receive radical aggressive radiation.

I chose the latter. Receiving a double session twice per day for twenty days. The actual treatment was easy. Just lay down, strapped in a cage and a mere fifteen minutes listening to Pink Floyd as the machine’s robotic arms did their task.

I was pleased when on March the first I completed the therapy and was told it had succeeded in killing all the tumors.

What I didn’t understand at that time was the worse part comes after the therapy. As the tumors diminished the damage from the radiation and cancer surfaces. This, apparently, can go on for up to two years.

My throat swelled and on the exterior turned purple. A side affect of the radiation burn and dying tissues within.

I had a few complications during the course of treatment. I developed a huge abscess in my lower abdominal cavity, possibly from the feeding g-tube implant. It required minor surgery to remove and drain. This was followed by a major battle with septicemia. A battle I thankfully won.

I was released from the Princess Margaret Cancer Center on January 31, 2019. After being hospitalized for twenty seven days. I was glad to be home.

At four in the morning of February the 2nd my spleen exploded. I bled out and have only survived because I live blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital. I was revived. Received four pints of blood, rapid infusion of Ringers lactate, a litre of iron sucrose and twenty nine staples on my abdomen. Complete removal of my spleen.

I spent all of February and half of March in Princess Margaret. My weight dropped down to ninety seven pounds. A far cry from my average one hundred and seventy.

I look like a survivor from a Nazi Death Camp.

I was sent home mid March to complete my treatment as an out-patient.

Things were well at first. I could not swallow most food so I was dependant on six cans of condensed Isosource nutrients to feed my body. I managed to get my weight up to one hundred and twenty-two pounds.

But, a big but, the damage from the tumors and radiation was surfacing more and more. The pain of swallowing increasingly getting worse. To the point I feared swallowing even my saliva.

This I am still plagued with as I write.

My weight loss increased and depression tried to take over my logic. I feared that I would definitely die. I have that fear still, as do my caregivers.

No longer able to function properly I resigned myself to the reality of coming back into the hospital.

Presently, I am hospitalized in the magnificent Toronto General Hospital. A Blessing of living in Toronto with the world class treatment of Toronto General and the adjoined Princess Margaret Cancer Center. Two of the best hospitals worldwide.

If I lived anywhere else I am positive I would not be authoring this blog on this foggy Sunday morning.

I am not sure what is to happen to me next. Neither are my team of doctors.

I have been here a mere few days, having been admitted on the twenty four of May. So, I am awaiting the results of my MRI, CT Scan and numerous other tests.

Tomorrow I have to have minor surgery to re-implant a gastric feeding tube and biopsy of my tongue and throat.

So far my diagnosis is as follows:

1) as my body absorbed the dead tumors it left behind holes, like potholes in a road. These ‘holes‘ have developed ulcers.

2) The ulcers can be one of three types. (A) non-cancerous, (B) Cancerous but treatable and (C) Cancerous non-treatable

3) I am severely malnourished and dehydrated.

Hopefully, by tomorrow evening I will know for sure what battle lays before me.

I am a ‘realist’. Hence, I take things in stride. It is what it is and I will deal with whatever falls my way with logic over emotions.

I also trained myself to always expect the worse possible scenarios. Reason being if I am expecting the worse no matter what my diagnosis is to be it shall be better than what I expected. A small comfort in such a serious situation.

I am not being unrealistic in my expectations. I am in a serious situation.

After many discussions with all my treatment team and my beloved family, I made the difficult decision to put in place a DNR, (Do Not Resuscitate), on my medical record.

This is justified and many tears were shed coming to the decision. It is the best avenue to take considering the condition of my physical form. My bone density is very low which means that if I were to receive CPR my ribs would shatter. Greater risk is that my heart and poor physical condition makes it ninety nine percent positive I will slip into a coma – a coma I will not recover from.

I pray no one ever has to have this discussion with their family. It was/is the most heartbreaking talk I have ever imagined having to have.

Saddest part being the reaction of my family and friends. I, being the patient, fully have accepted that I am knocking on the gates of Valhalla. I did not wish to accept it, but it is what it is.

I also have refused any major surgery that will disfigure and disable me. I refuse wholeheartedly to have my love ones suffer the anguish of watching me whither away, perhaps for weeks or months. That would scar their very souls for life. It would be selfish of me to put them through such.

They understand. They don’t like accepting it, but, once again, it is what it is.

I am not, by far, a ‘religious’ man. I am a man of faith. I believe in a higher, supreme power. Over the past 15 years I have been brought back to life 9 times so far. I wrote about these times previously. It’s suffice to say my life has been full of numerous ups and downs. Often down. It strengthened my personality and outlook on life. To most they would say my life was tragic. I see it as just ‘my life’. Sixty-one and a half years of learning and growth.

So, as it stands today, I have a battle to win. And I shall win because I am surrounded by true caring and love. I have a large group of beautiful souls who have formed a ‘Prayer Army’ on my behalf. Believe or not, but there is a power in prayers. They don’t have to be church indoctrinated chants, but rather sincere and positive praise to whoever you perceive as your Creator.

I am anxious to get the results of the tests tomorrow. The waiting and the fear of what may be is far more disheartening than the cancers themselves. The fear of the unknown instills an anxiety that clouds judgement.

I prefer sunny days over cloudy ones.

So, I will leave you now and I will blog whatever happens next in my wonderful life as soon as I know.

Until then, I remain ‘Dann, just as I am – – – The Original Urban Viking’.

NAMASTE’ MY FRIENDS

And remember to ……

ALWAYS PRAY IT FORWARD

BLESS

Estoy aquí hoy como siempre lo estaré.

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My dearest love and friend is going through a heartbreaking moment in her life and I feel her emotions as if she were inside my very body. 

She is inside my heart, my soul and mind for I love her truly, madly and deeply. I feel her emotions every second of every minute of ever day for we are connected by an energy few are Blessed to share. 

Mi Corazon, mi amor, I can only say ……

 Estoy y siempre estaré aquí para ti, mi querido amor. Solo puedo ofrecerte mi amor y mi abrazo. Soy tu LightHouse personal y te estoy enviando mi Luz. Cuando estés listo ven y llora conmigo. Mi corazón está lleno de tristeza y oración. Estoy aquí hoy como siempre lo estaré. Sepa que no está solo en este momento difícil.

How do you ease the sorrow of a friend who is suffering the pain of  possibly losing one of their beloved parents?

I wish I knew.

I wish I could reach into her heart and hug the pain till it turns to joy.  Unfortunately, that’s not possible.

I can only offer my prayer and my embrace.

I can shed a tear with her. I can hug her tightly as she cries.

Yet, her pain will still exist. 

Our minds are equipped to deal with all the pains, sorrows, loves and joys we will experience throughout our walk, but no where are we guaranteed the relief of hurt.

Losing a parent never heals. Never will those silent tears stop. 

I am not the type of person who would say such things as,

“She will be free of pain. She will be in a better place.”

For, even after my own returns from death seven times now, I cannot claim that to be true. No one but the Ascended know what lays beyond the Walk we walk here in this space and time.

The most heard sentence at any such crisis has to be,

“Time will heal all wounds.”

No greater lie has ever been spoken. Time heals nothing. Time prolongs the pain. Time teaches us to hide our pain and put on a brave smile hoping that others do not see how true our sorrow actually is.

Being over sixty years old and living the life I have, I have faced the sorrow my beloved Queen is facing. I have lived with the murder of my mother for thirty-nine years now and I can attest that today I hurt as much as I did that fateful day.

No, time heals no such emotions as anguish or loss.

My love can provide her with a dry shoulder to wet with her tears, a pair of caring arms to hold her trembling body and whisper consoling words in her ear.

This is all any of us can do at such times.

If you truly and devotedly love a person then this is all you can do. 

Do not over compensate your words in hopes of relieving their sorrow. Do not speak the same generic statements we have been programmed to say.

Instead, hold them if they need holding. Embrace them if they need an embrace.

Most of all, show and tell them the depth of your love for them.

Be silent if they need quiet. Be joyful if they need joy.

Be yourself, the person they know you to be.

When the initial shock has dispersed and they can once more reason they will see that you are there, beside them, with them and crying with and for them.

Love heals the symptoms of sorrow.

Love assures the loved ones that they are not walking this path alone.

If your love is true you will know what, when, why and how to alleviate their hurt as possible as you may.

Remember that such a pain will never leave but with a loving friend, spouse or soul mate life can and shall go on.

Be their “LIGHTHOUSE” and guide them safely through their darkened path, leading them safely ashore to a love with arms wide open.

I love you Mi Fuego de Mi Corazon. I am here for you now, yesterday, tomorrow and for all eternity.

I am praying that both your Mother’s, Father’s and your own pain does not break your spirits. I am praying the Creators are merciful and just.

MOST OF ALL MY LOVE, I AM PRAYING AND SENDING LOVE, LIGHT AND POSITIVE ENERGY TO YOU.

My shoulder is waiting, my ears are ready and my heart is full.

I will Walk with you through this sad time.

I am your LightHouse and although I am petite my love for you is gigantic.

I am and always shall be here for you my dearest love. I can only offer you my love and my embrace. I am your personal LightHouse and I am sending you my Light. When you are ready come and cry with me. My heart is full of sorrow and prayer. I am here today as I shall always be. Know that you are not alone at this difficult time.