It is very windy tonight. The serene howl of the steady gusts plays nic nac on my back.
This takes my mind off the physical pain.
Yet, I am still tormented by the nagging burn through out my neck.
A mere price to pay for a longer life.
Speaking of which …..
I am having trouble dealing with both ‘life’ and ‘death’.
To be honest, I am not ‘dealing’ with them well at all.
I am an angry, emotional wreck of a once funny man.
I used to laugh as much as possible. Always was able to find the ‘other side of life’ Now, I am not able to find much to laugh about.
It is unfair what the PTSD of a cancer diagnosis does to you and everyone in your life. I believe it is an actual part of the actual desease.
Many of the days and nights that I lay in the hospital bed, I would cry and, often, wish for Death’s Kiss.
“Is this world that the we are in worth going through this therapy?”
“I will not agree to any surgery that will leave me disfigured or immobile. ”
Being alone 24 hours a day, in an isolation room, for eleven weeks and on high doses of opiates is NOT good. It steals the ‘Light’ from your soul and replaces it with conspiracy theories and self-destruction.
I am not sure how I survived these past six months. The stroke, the abscess, the septicemia, the exploded spleen all on top of the two cancers.
Doctors only explanation is “a miracle“.
That I do believe as truth.
I have been out of Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital two months today. Seems like years.
The after shocks of the radical radiation treatment are attacking me strongly. The pain is often unbearable.
If I don’t bear it, who shall?
None of this is fair to my loved ones and my dearest friends.
I see the sorrow in their hearts and eyes when they glance at me.
My ex-wife tries her best to hide her tears. My sons are constantly reminding me how greatly they love me.
I am full of self hatred for my allowing cancer into my life. No man wishes such pain and anguish on his family.
In some ways I guess you could say that cancer is a family affliction. For the whole family suffers from it’s demonic stranglehold.
I will die feeling the guilt of bringing pain and sadness to my family.
The girlfriend couldn’t handle it. She chose to believe that I am a liar and am not going to pass.
That was heartbreaking. Yet, she seems to think that I have done this on purpose. An attention grab.
That is sad. For her attitude has assured me that not one single “I love you” that escaped her lips was spoken with truth.
I fear it is more her loss than mine.
My love was honest and true.
I am beginning the second stage of this horrific battle.
Many, many upcoming tests and procedures. Numerous more appointments.
Tons more mind debilitating pain.
I place all my woes in the hands of my Creator.
And I pray.