Next step in my Cancer Battle

My next adventure in battling cancer. Two hours a day for 40 days at 600,000 Pa.

Two serious side effects being – first, high possibility of further ear damage, but that can be repaired.

The second, 70 percent chance that due to my previous eye problems I may go blind.

That is NOT repairable.

The next fear is that the plate in my skull may not withstand the severe pressure.

We will not know unless we try.

Few Will Believe That This Actually Happened After I Dreamt I Had A Fist Fight With God

Those who know me well know of my “LightHouse” gift/curse.

They also are very aware that I have many spiritual and Astral premonitions. Many good ‘Light‘ – others scary as a rabid monkey in your underwear.

Last night, during a torturous attempt to sleep while the cancerous tumors eat away at my brain stem, I had what I am going to say was a ‘Dream‘.

Not your usual run of the mill mind movie.

Nope!

I was having a fist fight with God, Himself. We were going at it tooth and nail for about an hour.

My Living Angel, Maria, once again was there for me. She had awoken from a dream about snakes attacking her and I at the same time as my battle.

She told me she had a sudden urge to check me and make sure I was okay.

She found me soaked from head to toe in sweat. Literally soaked to the skin!

And I was crying in my sleep.

She woke me up so as she could see what was happening to me.

Her inner alarms are in sync with mine and we always know what the the other is experiencing.

I often take her pains and/or sorrows.

She takes mine many times throughout the day and is willing to suffer what I go through, to allow me a few precious moments of painless excasty.

And being such a beautiful friend and soul mate makes me feel better than anything else can. I would not be here today if not for her love and support.

So ………. getting back to the fight with HIM. I was losing the battle and I fear if she had not awakened me, I would not have ever awoke.

But, what a discovered AFTER the dream incident is what this is about.

I wear my deceased Father’s Burial Rosary around my neck. Along with my other Blessed articles to help me beat this cancer.

Well, upon awakening I glance over at the Rosary and the Lord, Himself had abandoned His post.

Literally.

Jumped right off the cross.

Check out the picture below ……

You see that?

How did He get ripped from the Cross?

All I can say is that I am once again freaked out.

Especially knowing that had not Maria woke me I am positive I would have passed away.

As I was obviously going into severe shock from the massive amount of pain I am suffering from.

Pray It Forward – Pray for me.

Frack this Squamous Cell and ori- Pharyngeal Carcinomas.

A Conversation With My Last Born

My Last Born.

My Pride.

My Joy.

My new life began the day I watched him come into our world.

May 30th, 2003 was a memorable day in life – one of my personally happiest milestones.

Dakota, your soul is as pure and kind as is your heart is large. You are the iconic “Gentle Giant“.

I am privileged and PROUD to be your father.

I feel that I am not too demanding a father. I always kept you boys close to my side, but at the same time gave you room to soar.

I want you to soar higher than you can imagine. Go where Miss Destiny leads.

Take those doubtful “leaps”.

Important to not leap without looking.

I left home at an age where most my peers were playing with their ‘Hot Wheels” race sets.

I have been out here 50 of my 62 years. It has not been an easy journey.

Trust me on that.

I learned early that the key to basic survival is to have a true heart, practice compassion, speak only truths, listen with intentioned desire to help and most of all, stay HUMBLE.

There is nothing that will make me happier then if you follow and practise these few “rules” or “lessons”.

As you well know I tried all my life to treat my Family, my Loved Ones, my Friends and many more with respect, charity and compassion.

If you can incorporate these into your already soulful personality your life will always be Blessed my Son, always. ….

Hold your head high, always. Be Native and Verner Family Proud.

Be Humble. Humbleness is key to happiness.

Never look down upon anyone. They may be broken from a situation unknown to you or one that they suffer within alone. “Broken ” can be repaired.

Never, under any circumstance, disguise “Deceit” as “Love”.

NEVER. Emotions are not weapons.

Love is the greatest gift the Creator allows us.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE TRAIT YOU MUST LIVE LIFE BY, SON.

32 years with your Beautiful Mother is proof that being loyal pays.

Never stray, Son. NEVER.

Why eat cookies in shame when you have Angel Food Cake at home?

To stray is to lie about love. The worst lie of all. A lie that destroys life’s very essence.

I cannot express how strongly I feel about this.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE RULE TO BEING A GOOD FATHER, HUSBAND AND MAN.

Never give into that hormonal Darkness.

If I can look down from Valhalla and see my Last Born being the first born to become who he was meant to be and living a humble life, then I may finally smile and know that my humble life had meaning.

And that amazing Light locked within you will emerge and you will live a many faceted fantastic life.

And I shall be the proudest Father, Husband and Man ever to walk this walk.

I love you Dakota James McLean Verner.

I love you Son.
As I love your Brothers

#VernerFamilyProud
#LightHouseDannVerner

Got Them Monday Cancer Blues

When it comes to the Cancers, it’s the constant “hurry-up and wait” game that lays responsible for fifty percent of my stress.

I despise waiting, unless for a cab or a bus.

Waiting on the Specialists, the Surgeons, the Radiologist Oncologist, the Surgical Oncologist, the General Practitioners and the various Nurse, Psych and Support Staff is extremely nerve wracking.

This is compounded by the seriousness of my current status. I am now classified as “Late Stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma”. Presently, “Non-Treatable”. “Terminal” if suitable and efficient therapy is not developed.

That is “Stephen King Scary.”

In Princess Margaret Cancer Center’s defence, I must say that no singular party is the blame.

The system is well stretched to the maximum, yet the Hospital still manages to get the patients through.

Yes, we may have to wait. Not long for most procedures or test results. Usually with in hours as an in-patient and a day as an out-patient. I have many an occasion to base this on.

I am waiting because I have SURPASSED the treatment window for conventional chemo or radiation therapies.

Hence, my signing on to my previous radical radiation therapy regime of a double round of experimental rad each morning and another six hours later.

In a 20 day therapy I received 80 doses. I graduated March 1st, 2019 from a successful run.

A miracle in my books.

March 2nd, 2019 at 4 in the morning my Spleen decided to self-destruct and explodes in my belly.

If not for my living mere blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital, I would not be writing this. I bled out in the ambulance.

I have very rare blood. Hard to obtain on a good day.

4 & 1/2 hours in O.R.

By lunch time that day I had received 16 liters of rapidly infused fluids.

Including:

4 pints whole blood

2 pints red blood cell concentrate

1 liter iron sucrose

And Ringer’s Lactate and various other fluids.

I was dead (again) – Number 9.

I was not looking so well when I woke up in I.C.U. – but, many professionals and family alike where awful surprised when I started speaking.

In October, 2018, I weighed in naked at 168 pounds.

By mid-March, 2019, I weighed barely 102 pounds in Hospital garb.

This decimated corpse is not laying down!!!!!!

For I am “The Original Urban Viking” and Cancer does not scare me.

Waiting does.

For, I know not what I am waiting for.

I know they must biopsy the ulcers in my throat. A very difficult task considering the obstruction of the swelling caused by necrosis laced flesh. This and my previous incubation difficulties make the simple biopsy a surgical operation under anesthesia.

Apparently, it will come with a painful recovery.

I can handle the pain.

I do extremely well with pain control once I know the source.

By knowing I can focus my Meditation, my Crystals, my Mineral & Stone Buddhist Bracelets and my Legion of Mary energies upon the Cancer directly.

Believe or not. I believe. Even the Treatment Team agree that there was no way I should have survived the Spleen rupture.

Their words, not mine:

ONLY EXPLANATION IS SIMPLY, ‘A MIRACLE'”

I still get shivers even typing it.

Changed my life for evermore. My Faith and Spirituality grew stronger.

I have always had a strong spiritual belief. Brought on by my 8 previous “Life AFTER Death Experiences”.

(Long story – read my autobiographical series, ‘Walk With Dann Collection.)

Waiting scares me and I do not scare easily.

Waiting for the biopsy. Waiting, most of all, that hopefully these gifted surgeons, doctors, nurses, social workers, grief counselors and all the Team can come up with an attack plan.

Otherwise, I could and will soon ascend. This has not been hidden from me.

Yet, as scared as I am, I am equally confident.

Valhalla is not ready for my soul.

Helheim declares me, ‘Persona non Gratis’

I have a calling.

I have yet to understand what the calling is, but I feel it’s mighty presence rising from my very soul.

My time is not now. My death, (I despise that term – (I prefer ‘ascension’) – will devastate too many innocent souls.

My wife, my sons, my adopted sons, my precious Maria, my best friend for life, Terry, Candace, who has graciously opened her home and heart to me do not deserve nor can handle just now, such a dark blow.

So, I simply will not go – I refuse to ascend till I have successfully completed…..

Firstly – properly preparing all my Family and Loved Ones for my ascension.

Be it of natural cause.

Or trauma incurred with my “Do Not Resuscitate” clause.

My previous blog explains why

OR…..

I invoke my “Death With Dignity” contract. Let me tell you right now that I would have to be in one superstorm of a Hell Hurricane to invoke such.

So, I sit here scared.

Secondly – as I have stated, and as numerous member of my Prayer Army can attest, I have a Calling”.

I know soon it will reveal to me exactly what I am Blessed to undertake.

As the Jewish say:

‘HINENI’

‘I AM READY MY LORD’

I used this term previously when I spoke of giving-up, laying down to waste away and, yes, even suicidal thoughts.

I should bow my head in shame to use such a Holy statement in such a Dark thought.

I am ready to begin my quest. I am ready to use my gift of Light and my past life lessons to tackle whatever tasks lay ahead in this, most definitely,

“Final walk with Dann”.

I will wait, still.

WHY, YOU ASK?”

What choice do I have but to wait till I know my purpose?

I am scared of waiting, yet, I am waiting to be scared.

I do my best work under pressure.

I will fight this demonic cancer with determination, your Prayers, your Love and my Creator’s will.

I have believed that I may have been Rasputin in another plain of space/time continuum.

They have poisoned me, stabbed me, shot me and once tried to drown me.

To quote Elton John:

I’m still standing. Even after all these years.”

I have Faith. Not your typical, “Oh now you have cancer you pray to God?”

My Faith has always been present. For years hidden incognito within my eclectic personality.

My devotion to my Spirituality is my weapon. My fearlessness of Ascension is my Army.

Hineni

The Fear of Cancer Continued

Today, May 30th, 2019, I attended the Head & Neck Cancer Clinic in the marvelous Princess Margaret Cancer Center.

This was the appointment I so eagerly awaited in my previous blog, “The Fear of Cancer”.

I was not expecting good news. Many years ago I had trained myself to always expect the worst in this type of a situation.

Why, you ask?”

If I expect the worse, then no matter what the diagnosis is to be I will be relieved as it is not the worst.

By the way, “It was the worse I have heard so far.”

Soooooo, I will break down the first three parts.

I will be receiving 39 sessions in a hypobaric chamber. They average 1 to 2 hours per session.

As you all know, from the previous and numerous blogs, now that the tumors have been destroyed by the radical radiation, I am plagued with ulcers of a yet ‘unknown’ type growing in the pockets of necrosic flesh left behind by the dimishing tumors.

These come in three types.

1) Non-cancerous ordinary ulcers

2) Cancerous ‘Treatable’

3) Cancerous ‘Non-Treatable

A biopsy is need to determine which. This is going to be schedule super a.s.a.p. at my surgerical oncologist at Mount Sinai Hospital. I suspect as early as Tuesday.

I will also have another CT scan of my chest and head.

All this is on super rush.

Tests I have had are still inconclusive.

I need to be put under for the biopsy as they cannot get down my throat far enough the conventional way.

The specialty surgeon is going to have to evaluate what to needs to be removed.

What my quality of life shall be if I have surgery will determine my choice of having surgery or not.

I will not allow any surgery that renders me invalid or disfigured.

I will not suffer my family or loved ones such sorrow.

The ulcers are not healing. This is where the hyperbolic chamber comes into play. By infusion my body with oxygen it will promote faster healing.

Hopefully.

We still are unsure as to whether or not they are cancerous or non-cancerous.

It may be necessary for me to have the g-tube re-installed. I may have no choice but to stop eating orally completely. This to allow my throat to heal.

I would be 100% reliant on the g-tube for all nutrition and hydration. For as long as it takes to improve.

For the past week or so I have experienced a pain like no other in my life! Far worse than anything I have experienced. And I have been through many physically painful situations.

It starts behind my eyes – as if there is someone attempting to push my eyes out of the sockets with their thumbs. My ears are constantly feeling as if they are being stabbed with sharpened pencils. The base of my skull has someone hammering in nails and my throat pain is beyond description.

I literally cry like a baby. I want to scream.

But, I can and will do my best to pass through this, the biggest storm of my life. (Death?)

Thank you all for the love, positive vibrations, encouragement abs mostof all your Prayers.

I am humbled by what everyone has done for me and the love that has enveloped me.

Maria MacDonald – your loveand devotion is a large factor in my surviving this far and I will never give up this battle for I have a lifetime to spend sharing with you.

You are the fire in my life. My heart. My love.

I appreciate, respect and loveyou beyond words.

I will say my Prayers now and ask for relief from this barrage of pure pain.

Remember my friends, it does not take much to …..

PRAY IT FORWARD

#LightHouseDannVerner
#FuckCancer
#TheOriginalUrbanViking