When it comes to the Cancers, it’s the constant “hurry-up and wait” game that lays responsible for fifty percent of my stress.
I despise waiting, unless for a cab or a bus.
Waiting on the Specialists, the Surgeons, the Radiologist Oncologist, the Surgical Oncologist, the General Practitioners and the various Nurse, Psych and Support Staff is extremely nerve wracking.
This is compounded by the seriousness of my current status. I am now classified as “Late Stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma”. Presently, “Non-Treatable”. “Terminal” if suitable and efficient therapy is not developed.
That is “Stephen King Scary.”
In Princess Margaret Cancer Center’s defence, I must say that no singular party is the blame.
The system is well stretched to the maximum, yet the Hospital still manages to get the patients through.
Yes, we may have to wait. Not long for most procedures or test results. Usually with in hours as an in-patient and a day as an out-patient. I have many an occasion to base this on.
I am waiting because I have SURPASSED the treatment window for conventional chemo or radiation therapies.
Hence, my signing on to my previous radical radiation therapy regime of a double round of experimental rad each morning and another six hours later.
In a 20 day therapy I received 80 doses. I graduated March 1st, 2019 from a successful run.
A miracle in my books.
March 2nd, 2019 at 4 in the morning my Spleen decided to self-destruct and explodes in my belly.
If not for my living mere blocks from the Michael Garron Hospital, I would not be writing this. I bled out in the ambulance.
I have very rare blood. Hard to obtain on a good day.
4 & 1/2 hours in O.R.
By lunch time that day I had received 16 liters of rapidly infused fluids.
4 pints whole blood
2 pints red blood cell concentrate
1 liter iron sucrose
And Ringer’s Lactate and various other fluids.
I was dead (again) – Number 9.
I was not looking so well when I woke up in I.C.U. – but, many professionals and family alike where awful surprised when I started speaking.
In October, 2018, I weighed in naked at 168 pounds.
By mid-March, 2019, I weighed barely 102 pounds in Hospital garb.
This decimated corpse is not laying down!!!!!!
For I am “The Original Urban Viking” and Cancer does not scare me.
For, I know not what I am waiting for.
I know they must biopsy the ulcers in my throat. A very difficult task considering the obstruction of the swelling caused by necrosis laced flesh. This and my previous incubation difficulties make the simple biopsy a surgical operation under anesthesia.
Apparently, it will come with a painful recovery.
I can handle the pain.
I do extremely well with pain control once I know the source.
By knowing I can focus my Meditation, my Crystals, my Mineral & Stone Buddhist Bracelets and my Legion of Mary energies upon the Cancer directly.
Believe or not. I believe. Even the Treatment Team agree that there was no way I should have survived the Spleen rupture.
Their words, not mine:
“ONLY EXPLANATION IS SIMPLY, ‘A MIRACLE'”
I still get shivers even typing it.
Changed my life for evermore. My Faith and Spirituality grew stronger.
I have always had a strong spiritual belief. Brought on by my 8 previous “Life AFTER Death Experiences”.
(Long story – read my autobiographical series, ‘Walk With Dann Collection.)
Waiting scares me and I do not scare easily.
Waiting for the biopsy. Waiting, most of all, that hopefully these gifted surgeons, doctors, nurses, social workers, grief counselors and all the Team can come up with an attack plan.
Otherwise, I could and will soon ascend. This has not been hidden from me.
Yet, as scared as I am, I am equally confident.
Valhalla is not ready for my soul.
Helheim declares me, ‘Persona non Gratis’
I have a calling.
I have yet to understand what the calling is, but I feel it’s mighty presence rising from my very soul.
My time is not now. My death, (I despise that term – (I prefer ‘ascension’) – will devastate too many innocent souls.
My wife, my sons, my adopted sons, my precious Maria, my best friend for life, Terry, Candace, who has graciously opened her home and heart to me do not deserve nor can handle just now, such a dark blow.
So, I simply will not go – I refuse to ascend till I have successfully completed…..
Firstly – properly preparing all my Family and Loved Ones for my ascension.
Be it of natural cause.
Or trauma incurred with my “Do Not Resuscitate” clause.
My previous blog explains why
I invoke my “Death With Dignity” contract. Let me tell you right now that I would have to be in one superstorm of a Hell Hurricane to invoke such.
So, I sit here scared.
Secondly – as I have stated, and as numerous member of my Prayer Army can attest, I have a “Calling”.
I know soon it will reveal to me exactly what I am Blessed to undertake.
As the Jewish say:
‘I AM READY MY LORD’
I used this term previously when I spoke of giving-up, laying down to waste away and, yes, even suicidal thoughts.
I should bow my head in shame to use such a Holy statement in such a Dark thought.
I am ready to begin my quest. I am ready to use my gift of Light and my past life lessons to tackle whatever tasks lay ahead in this, most definitely,
“Final walk with Dann”.
I will wait, still.
“WHY, YOU ASK?”
What choice do I have but to wait till I know my purpose?
I am scared of waiting, yet, I am waiting to be scared.
I do my best work under pressure.
I will fight this demonic cancer with determination, your Prayers, your Love and my Creator’s will.
I have believed that I may have been Rasputin in another plain of space/time continuum.
They have poisoned me, stabbed me, shot me and once tried to drown me.
To quote Elton John:
“I’m still standing. Even after all these years.”
I have Faith. Not your typical, “Oh now you have cancer you pray to God?”
My Faith has always been present. For years hidden incognito within my eclectic personality.
My devotion to my Spirituality is my weapon. My fearlessness of Ascension is my Army.