Tag Archives: Squamous Cell Carcinoma

Winds of Change, Tides of Emotions

It is very windy tonight. The serene howl of the steady gusts plays nic nac on my back.

This takes my mind off the physical pain.

Yet, I am still tormented by the nagging burn through out my neck.

A mere price to pay for a longer life.

Speaking of which …..

I am having trouble dealing with both ‘life’ and ‘death’.

To be honest, I am not ‘dealing’ with them well at all.

I am an angry, emotional wreck of a once funny man.

I used to laugh as much as possible. Always was able to find the ‘other side of life’ Now, I am not able to find much to laugh about.

It is unfair what the PTSD of a cancer diagnosis does to you and everyone in your life. I believe it is an actual part of the actual desease.

Many of the days and nights that I lay in the hospital bed, I would cry and, often, wish for Death’s Kiss.

Is this world that the we are in worth going through this therapy?”

I will not agree to any surgery that will leave me disfigured or immobile.

Being alone 24 hours a day, in an isolation room, for eleven weeks and on high doses of opiates is NOT good. It steals the ‘Light’ from your soul and replaces it with conspiracy theories and self-destruction.

I am not sure how I survived these past six months. The stroke, the abscess, the septicemia, the exploded spleen all on top of the two cancers.

Doctors only explanation is “a miracle“.

That I do believe as truth.

I have been out of Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital two months today. Seems like years.

The after shocks of the radical radiation treatment are attacking me strongly. The pain is often unbearable.

If I don’t bear it, who shall?

None of this is fair to my loved ones and my dearest friends.

I see the sorrow in their hearts and eyes when they glance at me.

My ex-wife tries her best to hide her tears. My sons are constantly reminding me how greatly they love me.

I am full of self hatred for my allowing cancer into my life. No man wishes such pain and anguish on his family.

In some ways I guess you could say that cancer is a family affliction. For the whole family suffers from it’s demonic stranglehold.

I will die feeling the guilt of bringing pain and sadness to my family.

The girlfriend couldn’t handle it. She chose to believe that I am a liar and am not going to pass.

That was heartbreaking. Yet, she seems to think that I have done this on purpose. An attention grab.

That is sad. For her attitude has assured me that not one single “I love you” that escaped her lips was spoken with truth.

I fear it is more her loss than mine.

My love was honest and true.

I am beginning the second stage of this horrific battle.

Many, many upcoming tests and procedures. Numerous more appointments.

Tons more mind debilitating pain.

I pray.

Often.

I place all my woes in the hands of my Creator.

And I pray.

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Kapitulation

Many have surely noticed by now that my emotions and writings are up and down more than elevator at a tourist attraction.

I apologize for that.

I am going through so much, … too much, for me to quell the demons.

I apologize.

I never expected that by my becoming a victim of cancer it would cost me all the things most dear to me.

My home = gone

My son = gone

My dogs = gone

My truest love = gone

My physical body = gone

My innermost soul = gone

It has to be me. Every day it’s the same subliminal accusations. So, I must be doing some sort of low life activity that I am unaware of.

It’s the only logical explanation.

In my day, it was said that if someone constantly accuses you of doing something then it was THEY who are hiding secrets.

I do not believe that either, though.

I feel like a damn broken recording, but, I will repeat this one more time :

I may be a dangerous man, a killer, a thief, a biker, a nomad. BUT ….. I never lie about how truly I love someone. Only a low life piece of crap would play with another souls emotions. It is one of the worse things you can do to anyone – playing Russian roulette with their hearts and souls.

Cancer is evil. It takes control over your family and close friend’s emotions and tries to wreak havoc every way it may.

Often it wins and destroys the patient and his/her family ties.

Many marriages fall apart due to the complexity of what comes with a cancer diagnosis.

I am tired, very tired. Mainly emotionally, but very much physically, also.

I have had so much happen in the past two years.

Fall and winter 2017/2018 – nine surgeries on my kidneys, and bladder.

Removed my gall bladder.

One third of my liver removed.

Spring 2018 – repair and replace part of the hardwear holding my right foot together.

Followed shortly thereafter by yet another heart attack.

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Summer 2018 – seizures started. It was determined they are being caused by residual damaged from when they removed C2, C3, C5 and C6 vertebrae and the spinal cord and brain damage from the shattered neck.

Fall 2018 – shot in the leg by a nice black man on Dawes Road. Wrong place at the right time.

Early October diagnosed with Pharyngeal carcinoma, Stage 4 – 19 tumors in my head, neck and upper chest area.

Exactly one week to the day I received the diagnosis of the Squamous Cell carcinoma, it also is Stage 4. One very large tumor on the base of my tongue and one smaller tumor on either side 3 close to my heart and 3 additional ones in the frontal lobe area of my beautiful brain.

Both cancers too far past conventional treatments.

My two options consisted of complete removal of my tongue and most everything in my neck cavity

or

take part in a human trial and complete a very radical and complex series of radiation therapy.

Hence, I chose the latter.

January 2019 – while hospitalized for treatments they found an extremely large existing abscess in my lower abdominal cavity.

This abscess was existing for Lords know how long and was not related to the cancers or previous conditions. 

One week after the removal of the abscess I had a drain tube malfunction that tore up more of my intestines and such. It manifested into a full blown septicemia battle. Almost died twice during the battle to survive.

February 2019 – after being home only two nights on February 2nd my spleen explodes in my sleep and I bleed out. Eventually I would go through 8 litres of my rare blood. But for the grace of God I am still here today.

Miraculously, they kept me alive and I was able to get discharged from the Micheal Garron Hospital and re-admitted to Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital.

March 1st 2019 – I successfully finished the radical radiation sessions.

Very successful in killing the both types of tumors.

Or so we had thought ……..

April 2019 – 7 Squamous Cell tumors return.

Come May 6th, 2019 I will receive a complete and more complex updated diagnosis of my situation.

Until then, I remain, Dann – just as I am.

Broken

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I Am Scared

Was all excited yesterday when I heard I was soon to go home, (Thursday), then an hour later, BAM!!!

I was a completely different person.

Very ill, extremely lathargic, dizzy, confused and in pain beyond comprehension.

I slept from one in the afternoon yesterday till 6 this morning. How does anyone sleep 17 hours?

Doctors are increasing my Fentanyl to 75 milligrams. “To make me comfortable ” was their words. I have found in the past that when doctors say such things to patients with terminal illnesses, what they really mean is they won’t let you die in pain.

I am not being paranoid. I was told from the get go that my chances of survival were slim. For 2 months I have heard everyday how everyone is amazed I have “made it” this far. Add in the constant use of words like make me comfortable, use as much pain medication as I feel I need, and then there are the constant “team meetings”.

And yesterday they asked how I felt about going into a hospice. No one walks out of a hospice.

All this makes you think the worse.

I have asked for a case conference later today because if what I suspect is true just send me home to be with my dogs.

But, I won’t know for sure until they all get at the same table and tell me. It’s hard when there are so many professionals involved. 2 regular oncologists, 2 radiation oncologists, 1 ENT surgeon, a whole team of pain palative care and five or six others from dieticians, physio and psychology.

Until then all I can do is pray and pray I will.

I Cannot ‘DO’ This

I have tried and tried to keep myself on the positive side of all this.

I knew if I were to start crying the tears wouldn’t stop.

I realize now that there is no positive side.

And the tears will not stop.

For where lays the positive side of dying a slow, very painful death?

Show me.

My Maria Angelica M who had said she would always be there for me through out this has up and walked away.

Her false vows of love meant nothing to her – easy to say, but much to me on this tearful darkened day.

Her anger misplaced on my shoulders leaving a trail of blame on my heart.

I am losing my home. I have no time to find a place before months end.

I have lost my beloved Maria Angelica M or perhaps she has lost me.

I have the love of Roy, Dakota, Lisa, Randy & Emma in my immediate life.

I have the extended love of family & my many friends.

But, as I have feared, the tears are here and they just will not stop.

Where is that shoulder to cry on Maria Angelica M?

Oh yes, I forgot.

They were texted with false nailed fingers and etched onto my heart.

Some falsehood testimonials of how we would never be apart.

I discovered one lie after another and and the blame you sent to my heart.

Your love and devotion were quite easily redirected and here is the saddest part.

Your reason for running to another was the most hurtful part.

It took you but one minute to easily rip out my heart and here I do quote the answer you sent to me and destroyed this foolish heart.

I “pissed you off so you turned around”. and abandoned me for your love was a lie from the start.

I needed that shoulder to cry on. But in your deceit towards me you had already found some other arms to hold you so lovingly sweet.

I was shown by a mutual friend and saw through my own eyes on your Facebook these words you did speak.

They were not written for me, but another love in your life.

You may as well etched them with a knife for they have scarred my broken heart.

I needed your false love, if only to get through this one storm.

Then like the many other times in six years you could roam night after night.

And once again leave me crying at home for yet one more night.

I needed that shoulder. I needed your false love, if only to get through this one storm.

For a false love is better than no love when your whole world has fallen apart.

Now, like the skies out this hospital window, my very heart and soul have turned stormy and dark.

For …..

These tears are too real and the pain is too great.

For this broken man named Dann whose soul needs a break.

These tears are embarrassing as I sit here on display.

And pray to the Creator above to take me this day.

I will cross into oblivion when Death has her way.

How easy it was to deceive me with the words of love you say.

I know I sound foolish and broken for believing the love you did say.

I was raised never to say I love you unless the love would forever stay.

I cannot stop loving you forever more each day.

For my love is more real than your hurtful display.

#LightHouseDannVerner #FuckCancer