Tag Archives: suicide

D-day 4 Dann

I have cancer on my mind.

Literally ….. true story.

As I previously wrote, I have been diagnosed with ‘oropharyngeal cancer’ in the neck and my cranium.

Which has migrated into my skull proper.

Hence soon, if not already, ‘brain cancer‘.

So,

Deja Vu.

Once again it’s 4:20AM and here I sit, awake. Day 4 without sleep.

The physical pain is insane.

Yet, my broken ‘heart’ & ‘spirit’ are far worse.

I cried all last night over a personal matter and the stress of waiting for the upcoming news.

And, Deja Vu.

Here I sit crying like a pussy once again.

The second night in a row.

Mostly over the personal matter of learning that I am being perceived as ‘dishonest’ and a liar regarding my vows of love & of friendship.

I am or have been a murderer, a robber, a gangster, a thief and an idiot.

BUT a dishonest lover I am not, nor could I ever be.

I was self-raised on these streets since the age of 12.

I learned young that your ‘Love’ for your partner MUST be true and definitely sincere. You cannot say that you love someone and then cheat or lie to them.

I take pride in my loyalty, my love, my devotion and most of all my ‘HONESTY’. These are the cornerstones of any couple.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not dishonest. I do not, have not, nor would I ever ‘cheat’.

I know the pain that inflicts all too well.

I am not dishonest in love.

I don’t lie about my emotions.

Nor would I play with the heart of anyone – friend or foe.

Who would want to claim a false love as real love” ?

No soul has the right to do such an evil thing. No person should ever damage another person in such a sadistic manner.

Many people contort the definition of “love”.

I learned very young that if you say something it should be sincere and honest.

I love my ‘Queen’.

The love I have for her cannot be shared with anyone else. I have given her all my heart. As you are supposed to when you swear your love.

She is my true soul mate, my lover, she’s my best friend. She is “mi Corazon“.

And one Corazon is all you get.

I have many friends.

The majority being females. Guys are idiots. My circle is a triangle.

I tell them both, male or female, that I love them all the time. I do love them. They are my friends.

But, not the way I “love” mi Corazon.

Definitely not in a sexual way.

It is not that type of “love”. It’s the love you show a ‘true friend’.

A completely different type of love.

Secondly,

My tears also have been falling as I am coming to the realization that I may have to face that ‘final‘ ….

Walk With Dann” .

That torturous, downward spiral of pain ending in the horrific death of cancer eating my brain like an invisible zombie.

61 years of hurt I endured so far.

The majority via a broken heart. Time after time. Over and over.

I don’t fear loving just because I have been a victim of dishonesty.

You cannot punish your future for what your past ‘has’ done. (Key word being ‘HAS’).

I am tired. Very, very tired.

Not sure if I should try to battle this battle or succumb to the depression and sadness perched upon my shoulders.

Death would be so relaxing. I know first hand.

You can’t cry over being perceived as a dishonest person when you are dead.

For to live and share your honest, deepest feelings to people who do not believe a word you speak is a real ‘Hell’.

Read my ‘Walk With Dann Collection’. I explain how your perception of ‘Heaven & Helheim’ are not as you are taught or even perceive them to be.

I am tired of adult life.

I am very, very, very tired.

And now it is D DAY 4 Dann

Later today I will receive either the worse news anyone would wish to hear,

or, perhaps the medium bad news stating a long list of parts to be removed,

or, good news saying that they can remove all the cancer and I shall live lonely ever after.

Yahoo!!!!!!

Good news for some people … not so much me.

I am tired.

Very tired.

I am all alone in a crowded room.

That room called ‘life‘.

And I am tired.

As we say in Nazarim, “Hineni”

“I’m ready my Lord”.

Life‘ number 8 was far more painful the my 7 times ‘dead‘.

I have mixed emotions over the cancer and what course of action I should follow.

Right now 70% of me is saying to refuse all and every treatment, come home, sit on my favourite chair and wait for death.

I want to.

I am not ‘living‘ – I am merely ‘existing’.

I am tired of existing.

30% of me hopes everything will workout and I will be happy.

But, how can a man perceived by his truest love as a liar and dishonest man find reasoning to fight has third battle with the demon desease?

And I am tired, very tired.

I guess I will find the answer to that question in exactly five hours and sixteen minutes.

Life has to have meaning. My dictionary of life is completely used up.

I honestly do not wish to go on existing without meaning.

No matter what, I have had a 61 year wild Nantucket Sleigh ride through every walk of life there is.

And now …….

I am tired.

I look forward to Valhalla or Helheim.

Be it sooner or much later.

I will smile as I enter either.

For then my heart will no longer hurt, nor my eyes bleed tears of heart ache.

I am an honest man. I believe strongly I am.

And I would never cheat on a soul I pledged my heart to.

I have a huge decision to make today.

It’s a literal ‘life or death‘ choice I must make.

At this time I am leaning towards ‘no treatment’.

We will see what happens at the hospital.

I am tired and I want to go home.

Plus, I ain’t looking so well …

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I Am Afraid of Darkness

I am afraid of the darkness, but not the dark.

The darkness pushes back the Light. Allowing sorrow, pain and discomfort to steal joy from your mind.

I try to push it back. Hoping to gain back my Light.

The dark does not scare me because my Light knows it is harmless. It takes merely the flick of a modern switch to drive the dark away.

The Darkness brings out evils and torment.

It lives and thrives in the soul.

Mocking your sorrow.

Laughing at the pain you have endured.

Only love of life, love of family and the love of a true soulmate can push back the Darkness.

I pray someday we will evolve to the point where Darkness is no longer.

Until then, I remain – Dann, just as I am.

Surrounded by the Darkness and wishing it were merely “The Dark”.

But, it is not – it has gripped my heart, my soul and my life in ugly arms.

And whispered in my ear,

NO SOUP FOR YOU”

EVERYBODY HURTS, SOMETIMES 

My birthday is October the fifth and this year I would be sixty. 

Six decades of hurt. 

REM performs a song whereas they sing, “Everybody hurts, sometimes.”

So, why do I hurt MOST times?

Since my earliest memories I hurt. Even during happy times I suffer the pain of knowing the hurt will always be a constant companion. 

My biological mother left me to die in an empty apartment at around six months old. 

Unfortunately, my father came home to his empty home and ‘saved’ me. 

Discovering that Mom had taken all their furnishings and my two older siblings and fled his tyranny to the safety of Regent Park in Toronto. 

Did Dad ‘save’ me or just prolong my existence of agony and tears?

Only the Shadow knows that truth.

Sixty years, 21,900 days, and I still do not know. 

My life is fairly well documented within my blogs. I will not rehash the evils of my past. The violence, the drugs, the lost loves and the sorrows.

I was Blessed with living a life many could never understand.  I was born into this world at a time that will never be again. 

A time when technology consisted of ‘party line’ telephones, round television screens,  the birth of rock and roll and a time when families had values and respect.  

An era of playing in the dirt with ALL the neighborhood kids. Of never disrespecting authoritive figureheads. A time when men were men and women were women.  A time when bathrooms were either male or female. 

When every song on the radio was a message of some positive sort. Not teaching greed and disrespect. Not ‘money, weed and whores’. Not promoting guns, gangs and frack authority. 

I believe that society is at the end of days as we know it.  The world is not going to ‘end’. 

I believe that whatever gods you believe in – beit the Cosmic Muffin, God or Odin – are about to slap mankind in the face with a hardwood stick. 

Many will perish, yet those who survive hopefully will learn from past societies and bring back the days of old. That they may teach their children well in the ways of coexistence with their fellow man and all of Earth’s beautiful creatures. 

Hopefully I am right or else history will repeat itself once again. For if man does not learn, then the end of days for we humans will come to be.

I did not learn.  I convinced myself I did, but I lied to me.  I was never a greedy bastard. I was a simple man with a simple plan.

All I ever desired was to be a loyal husband and father. My heart felt want was not to raise a child who would live as I was forced to live, with thirty-two sets of foster-parents in their first ten years.

My first marriage lasted eight short months. Falling into ruin upon the edge of the boning knife that Robert George Stevenson used to murder my mother.

“Ever since your Mom got murdered you have been acting strange and I can’t take it”.

And out the door Michelle,  aka ‘Mrs. Dann Verner’ went. 

I was Blessed with a second marriage of thirty- two years and raising three sons. One of my sons was even my biological child. Lol.

Despite what any other soul may say, I NEVER committed Adultery during that relationship.  (The only Commandment of the Ten I did not break.)

But, today, Sunday the sixteenth of July, 2017, as I sit here trying to avoid suicide, I am broken. 

Maybe beyond repair. 

A failure to myself,  to my youngest child and to my beautiful loving dogs. 

Homeless with no known way to ever get first and last months rent deposit together. Knowing that even if by some miracle I were to get the funds my son and I have no furniture. Just a truck load of meager cardboard boxes containing thirty plus years of memories. 

Boxes of reminders of my failures. 

And my youngest child looks upon me with an emotion I cannot comprehend. 

I have failed him. 

I have failed me.

Hell, I even failed my pups.

The monster called ‘Suicide’ dances in my head. Taunting me. Laughing at my disgrace.  Edging me to take that walk down the path of physical destruction. 

And that monster is winning.

I actually committed suicide on August the twenty-second in 2002.  Only to be revived by the gifted hands of the EMS team.

Another failure of me, LightHouse Dann Verner or Shakie Dann Verner, my other self.

What part of suicide did not they understand? 

Presently, I have little hope of my life getting back on track. (How selfish of me to say ‘my life’.) 

I have lived my life.  

My son’s are yet to live theirs. 

 Did Henry “Harry” Verner save me that cold winter’s day in March 1958,?

I am not sure. 

If I post tomorrow he did. 

If not I failed once more. 

Till the morrow I remain, Dann, just as I am. 

Broken 

Sometimes Death is a Procrastinator 

Recipe for a sad and meaningless existence. 

1: Be born on October 5,  1957 

2: Be abandoned at six months old 

3: Live in 32 homes by the age of ten 

4: Start drugs at ten years old

5: Leave home to live the street life at twelve years old 

6: End up in a federal penitentiary by age eighteen 

7: Finally get to meet your biological mother in 1981.

8: Biological mother gets murdered 1981

9: First marriage lasts eight months

10: Spend 30 years with next wife only to discover it was a lie.

11: Raise three sons hoping you have not failed.  

12: Actually commit suicide on August 22, 2002 only to be resuscitated back into life.

13: Be 59 years old and be losing everything you own and your home.

Yes, I  cooked this life well. 

And yet, your gods still insist I awaken every day. 

SUICIDE AND OTHER HUMAN CHARTERISTICS

So, touchy subject, ‘SUICIDE’ – I do believe you all may have heard of this quirky little characteristic you humans have.

This evening, after a few accidental shots of good old Wray & Nephew combined with the cancer meds, my lust for kush weed and the newly acquired pneumonia meds. (Yes folks on top of everything else I now have pneumonia – I had a different one in the sixties behind the high school – she spelt her name”Knew Moanforya – just saying)

Ok, come on here – damn – suicide is a serious thing!!!!!!

I know this as fact – I actually did kill myself before and was brought back by two burly EMS angels and a divine misconception or maybe intervention.’ 


 You can read briefly about it in my previously published : “I COMMITTED SUICIDE ONCE”

Now, what brought me to sit and dance on these keys this fine evening was a video I observed on the ever addictive FaceF*ck, I mean FaceBook. I actually, no homo, cried my heart out while watching this confession of a fellow suicidal depressed soul. YES! I actually bawled for I am man enough to tell you straight up – I KILLED myself once and the only thing that actually died was my family, my marriage, my dignity and my children’s childhood. No family can ever recover from such a traumatic life changing event. And my marriage and my family of 32 years dissolved into a BALL OF GRADE A 1 DIS-FUNCTIONALITY.

This is the video I speak of:

 

Watch it! Overstand it!

Read my previous blog or call me _ I will talk with you.

BUT …. and I mean, “BUT” ….. if you or you are aware of someone who is contemplating offing themselves, please show them that there are souls who still love, hearts that still care and people who ARE there.

We all have demons – and sometimes, every now and then those demons get the upper hand. 

My name is LightHouse Dann, or Shakie, or Unkz or just plain old Dann. You need to talk to someone who has experience seven deaths, including one real suicide – you need to speak to someone who can relate – well – you email me at lighthousedannverner@gmail.com – send me your digits or I will send you mine or if you are more comfortable we can do email.

Suicide does not KILL your pain – it creates more by KILLING your most loved ones.

I am here – “Come, Walk With Dann”.

I love you all.