All posts by LightHouse Dann Verner

I am LightHouse Dann Verner. “The first decade of my life I had lived in thirty-two homes. None of which I ever spoke the words, “Mom or Dad”. Only “Mister or Misses”. I started my ‘Walks’ at the age of ten fighting the monsters in my head. The demons were winning for many years. I left my siblings Father’s house at the age of twelve to join a hippie commune and learned how to be a Heroin addict. I have never slept in my father or mothers house since that day. That was over fifty years ago. Foster care, jails, pain, sorrow and addiction were my childhood friends. My playgrounds were the streets.My rocking horse a Harley Davidson motorcycle

THE FENTANYL BLUES

He was a Hero of Heroin born in Noxalone by the Fentanyl valley.

His youth was spent dreaming of a Carfentanyl sea where he could nod off and sail on down a Morphine river and hide the shame she see’s.

His eyes lay dark as a burned out meth pipe. A visible mask hiding him from he.
Memory of his time spent smoking Crack.
All his manhood forever slacked.

Shamed by the stigma of his addiction she lives by his side in his truths and fictions. In prayer she asks for her God’s intervention.
She asks her Lord what were His intentions

The person he sees in the store window reflection reminds him of all the previous rejections.

In sickness and health she will stand by

Continue reading THE FENTANYL BLUES

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New G-Tube and Final Assessments

I had my g-tube implanted yesterday. This one is for life. I am still eating normal foods that I can tolerate. It is painful.

Eventually the cancer will destroy my tongue and esphogus and then the gtube will be a necessity.

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After a very long and deep consultation with my Treatment Team we decided that it is best I remain as an inpatient.

This gives them the time and opportunity to run a battery of tests and thorough scans to come up with a timeline which will give us a rough idea how long my body can handle this beating.

I feel relieved in a way. I imagine it is a type of ‘closure’. A heavy yoke of fears and anxieties have been lifted from my shoulders.

Still, I bear the guilt of what this has done to my family and my friends.

Yes for sure. It has been a very emotional trip.

Not a pleasent one for any of us by far.

But at least I can pick the time and the way. When that time is here.

With the care I am receiving now I can honestly say I know I have a few months maybe longer.

I am glad I am off the Fentanyl and morphine. It was just an affiction no man wants or needs. It was not helping with the pain.

Just 8mgs of hydromorphone (Dilaudid), every four hours and a break through medication on top of that is what we have found works the best.

I do not carry the ‘fear’ any longer. Nor the ‘suicidal‘ tendencies.

I discovered early on that there are stages to the cancer battle.

I have gone through “DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION, SUICIDIAL, ACCEPTENCE and RAGE” . I suspect there are more stages yet to go through.

Tomorrow will tell more. In the morning I will open that door.

Culling The Herd

I am better than what the doctors say. They have me dead any day now.

I meditate often.  I always have. I don’t sit in a hippie stance with candles burning.moaning “OM!”.

You can meditate while preparing supper.

And I always give appreciation and love to Mother Earth – for we are merely specks of dust and an annoyance unless we work and play Her way.

B.C. and its beauty is Mother Earth at her finest. And an ocean storm is Her when we have pissed her off.

Soon She is going to cull the herd and She will wipe many of us from Her surface.

And our ‘modern’ society will return to a simpler time where barter systems assured everyone ate.

It has happened many times – five times in our recorded history. The Black Plague almost took us back to Neandrothal times. It is my personal favourite.  Mind you a good volcanic eruption excites the genitales.

But, I have said this since my hippie phase.

We only THINK we are the SUPERIOR race and the most intelligent animal on the planet because no other creature can understand us.

And they have no desire to talk to us.

Oddly, all the other living things on this once beautifil Big Blue Marble can communicate
with one another.

Even the plant life speaks.

The apple turns colour and falls to the ground to tell the deer to come eat. The deer scent attracts the mountain lion. The bloody deer carcass tells the Raven the buffet is now open and free.  And the magical circle of existence goes on and on.

Meanwhile, “modern man” is over here eating mint Oreo’s and raping inflatable Zebra”s waiting for the welfare cheque to come.

We only “rent” our space here.
We are very bad tenants.
We are going to be evicted.
Only the strong, devoted and Indigenous will survive.

For we are the ones who truly love and understand the beauty of living for we have already lived our death.

My rant is done.
My day complete.
For a bag of Jelly Beans
I would kiss your feet.
Namaste’

You Should Buy The First Of My Autobiography. I Am Writing The Final Volume As We Speak

Time for all my relatives and friends to purchase the first of the four books in my Autobiography series. “Walk With Dann Collection”

The titles go in this order;

..

DAMAGED – BANE. – BOON. – UNKZ – A CANADIAN COSMONAUT.

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UNKZ was to be the final book of the series but then the cancers came along.

Now, with me working on a real-time account of my life, or perhaps my “Death“, my brain is constantly in battle with my moods and my beliefs. The mind can be a mortal enemy if giving the wrong information.

It is a very emotional book for me to author. Not easy at all. I will come across as a chaotic and eccentric borderline crackerjack. I suspect that I may well be one by next month.

I find it relieving to put my life in type. I want my grand children and their grand children to know who I was. To hopefully trigger in them the Verner stubborn

Sometimes I wish I could just live in one of my books. I would prefer it be my standalone book,

The Last Canadian Cosmonaut”.

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My Personal Favourite of all my books

Simple life of a hippie on a Harley simply living a simplistic lifestyle.

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So, this how it came to be that I am currently authoring a real time, diary/day planner/patient account of what it is like from the patients view.

I am writing it as it happens or as I am informed of various tests, etc.,etc.

Due to the nature of my life and the chaos of travelling for treatment to three hospitals and having a fantastic Treatment Team of 23 Five Star Medical, Emotional, Surgical and Support Staff keeping me alive, the book itself shall be chaotic and at times perhaps confusing.

I will try to keep it as real as possible while still maintaining the integrity of the process and my story.

I will not hold anything back. Not my tears, nor my joys. I will tell you what I feel or felt through each phase of my battle.

I also delve into the strength the hospital staff must have to do what they do.

After having been in the hospital for 22 of 29 weeks, I have witnessed first hand their anguish, joys and emotional upheavals as they come to work each day and do what they may to ease the suffering we patients go through. Their’s is not an easy life.

We patients are Blessed to live in Toronto and have access to the finest care on this planet.

My other series, “Walking On Dawes Collection“, also teaches us that life was designed to be lived.

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Out of respect for Ernest Hemmingway and his works, I decided to entitle it:

“OLD MAN WITH THE ‘C'”

ARS MORIENDI, MEMENTO MORI

The art of dying, remember that you have to die.

Interestingly I came across this meme yesterday.

It had not been since my university days that I had recalled studying the topic of ‘Death‘ and the phrase, “Ars Moriendi”.

I have long been a deep thinker and a thief of knowledge. I ingest knowledge like Vlad The Impaler’s Vampirism sucked the life source from his opponents.

Knowledge is power. If used properly. This does not mean that “power” is “knowledge”. In no way whatsoever is this a truth.

To the learned mind knowledge is a tool that opens all other doors of life and our perception of the life we live in this space/time continuum.

A stepping stone to the multiverse and the other 7 quantum space/time continuums.

All of which fall back onto the folds of each other universes contained within the multiverse.

You may think I to be a scientific conspiracy theorist. In many ways I may well be.

Was not Einstein, Aristotle, Benjamin Franklin, Newton and all the “genius” minds we were taught of in school and in life?

Which brings us to the short, simple sentence,

Memento Mori

Which teaches us the basic ideal for building our character in a true and godly manner.

This two word sentence reminds us that death is a given. That we are far from being immortal and thus our lives should be lived in an appreciative and peaceful manner. That we should be humble and never try to live with the attitude that any one of us are/is better than someone else.

We are all the same in the eyes of our perceived Creator and according to the laws of quantum physics.

Memento Mori was the basis of the main theory of soon to follow Christian doctrine.

Designed to remind us that life can be lived in many ways, but a successful life has to be lived in a manner that is socially and spiritually correct.

Not asking that we become Monks or Nuns. Simply that we always bear in mind that, yes, we are and shall die eventually.

Which leads us back to,

Ars Moriendi”

The Art of Dying”

What a beautiful art it is. For each day all living creatures in all the multiverses add another canvass to the ever growing art collection of life and existence.

I am painting such as we speak.

My present “oil on brain” work in progress is concerning a humbled soul who is battling two cancers combined with the usual medical concerns of a 60 plus year old man blended with the poyls of everyday living, society expectations and the ghost in the machines of life.

It will be a kaleidoscope of paisley patterned hippie shirts and Levis 501 button fly, boot cut, faded jeans attitude mixed with khaki coloured Dickie Brand pressed cargo pants.

I have lived many a lifestyle throughout my six decades upon Earth. I have learned from each day passed.

My greatest lesson learned, you ask?

Well, remember I tell you this,

Ars Moriendi, Memento Mori”

I kid you not ……

Namaste’ my learned friend.

Be humble.

Love before you hate.

Fear not dying, fear living.

We are all human. One race.

It was those who have no doctrine that developed “races”.

Forgive them their transgressions.

They no not what they do.

For they have no comprehensive ideal of what “Memento Mori” does teach us.

Until we cross paths once again, perhaps in another space/time continuum of our multiverse, I shall remain,

“Dann – just as I am.”

“Humbled and aware”

Few Will Believe That This Actually Happened After I Dreamt I Had A Fist Fight With God

Those who know me well know of my “LightHouse” gift/curse.

They also are very aware that I have many spiritual and Astral premonitions. Many good ‘Light‘ – others scary as a rabid monkey in your underwear.

Last night, during a torturous attempt to sleep while the cancerous tumors eat away at my brain stem, I had what I am going to say was a ‘Dream‘.

Not your usual run of the mill mind movie.

Nope!

I was having a fist fight with God, Himself. We were going at it tooth and nail for about an hour.

My Living Angel, Maria, once again was there for me. She had awoken from a dream about snakes attacking her and I at the same time as my battle.

She told me she had a sudden urge to check me and make sure I was okay.

She found me soaked from head to toe in sweat. Literally soaked to the skin!

And I was crying in my sleep.

She woke me up so as she could see what was happening to me.

Her inner alarms are in sync with mine and we always know what the the other is experiencing.

I often take her pains and/or sorrows.

She takes mine many times throughout the day and is willing to suffer what I go through, to allow me a few precious moments of painless excasty.

And being such a beautiful friend and soul mate makes me feel better than anything else can. I would not be here today if not for her love and support.

So ………. getting back to the fight with HIM. I was losing the battle and I fear if she had not awakened me, I would not have ever awoke.

But, what a discovered AFTER the dream incident is what this is about.

I wear my deceased Father’s Burial Rosary around my neck. Along with my other Blessed articles to help me beat this cancer.

Well, upon awakening I glance over at the Rosary and the Lord, Himself had abandoned His post.

Literally.

Jumped right off the cross.

Check out the picture below ……

You see that?

How did He get ripped from the Cross?

All I can say is that I am once again freaked out.

Especially knowing that had not Maria woke me I am positive I would have passed away.

As I was obviously going into severe shock from the massive amount of pain I am suffering from.

Pray It Forward – Pray for me.

Frack this Squamous Cell and ori- Pharyngeal Carcinomas.

Cancerous Emotions Cause Heartache

I have learned many things since I started this horrid battle against the Pharyngeal and Squamous Cell Carcinomas.

One of the most important, yet heartbreaking, being that having terminal cancer changes all aspects of life. Yours and every person connected to you in any and each way.

For the patient it is difficult enough. They must go through the various stages of coming to the realization that they do indeed have terminal cancer. And Death is intimate.

I was tortured through the first few stages of cancer acceptance.

First came the “Denial” .

I don’t have cancer. I want another and another opinion.”

Then came “Depression.”

The darkness crept in. The tears began to fall.

And of course this was followed by the demonic “Suicidal” stage.

I gave it serious consideration. Being a man who has been Blessed with loving family and dear friends, I was pulled from the bowels of this Demon.

And in all honesty it was just in the knick of time. I lie to you not

I am now in the “Acceptance” stage.

I am at peace with the diagnosis.

I am at war with the desease.

My soul mate, my family, my friends and everyone connected to my life get the smelly end of the stick.

They must stand helpless and full of guilt because they know not what they can do to alleviate my suffering.

(“SUFFER” is an understatement – what my precious loved ones had to witness was heartbreaking for me.)

Like I stated previously, I have no choice but to accept the “diagnosis“.

I DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE “TERMINAL” labelling.

They, my loved ones, will forever be stuck in the “Denial” stage.

For who wants their spouse, parent, child, best friend, etc. to be dying of not one, but two cancers?

The pain and sorrow I see in their eyes fuels my fires to beat this demonic affliction against all the odds that are stacked against me.

I cannot allow cancer in my body to cause pain and heartbreak in their hearts.

We have all changed personality wise. My many sons and I have grown much closer. As has my relationship with my dearest friend and deepest love. The relationship between my ex-wife of 32 years and I has become far more calm, for lack of a better word.

The pleasent side of this is I hear the words, “I love you.” often. Not spoken only to me, but being readily exchanged between family and friends.

What makes this far more heartwarming is not only do I hear the sincerity of the “I love you’s”, I have the Blessing to see the “love” being naturally expressed.

There is always something good trapped inside a disparaging situation. You simply have to identify and bring it to the surface so that it may be a Blessing for all.

The cancer emotions are severe – severe enough to destroy even the strongest and most faithful of souls.

I put my loved one through Hell on many occasions this past few months. Especially when I battled my way through the Denial and Suicidal phase.

I am still a very moody and cantankerous prick at times. I try not to be but it happens. I could blame the pain, or the depression, or the side effects of the opiates, but I blame myself. It is up to me to not take my frustration and sadness out on others.

This Cancer War has made me a grounded soul. I realize that I am far from immortal now. Life is far more precious now. I treasure each second of every minute of each hour I have with my loved ones.

I see more beauty in my soul mate – my dearest friend – Maria. I see how handsome my sons are. I appreciate the love as a friend my ex-wife and I can now share.

Greatest thing I have learned is that life has no time for drama or childish arguments. That one smile is capable of banishing a hundred frowns.

I learned to love MYSELF once again and to let the people I love know that I do truly appreciate and love them.

Yet, I hold that guilt and the sorrow of what I see in their eyes.

I wish they could and would believe that although I am living in a painful Hell, I will be fine. For this Original Urban Viking – the Last Canadian Cosmonaut is not ready for ascension.

I will beat this demonic affliction back to the dusty bowels of Helheim it came from.

Until then, I shall remain – Dann, just as I am

THE FACES OF MY CANCER – ‘That part’.

Some may find the visual aids within to be too emotional for many people. The written media also targets at the minimum 14 years plus.)

Here are some pictures from various stages of my Cancer treatment.

“I have always been highly spiritual. Rarely religious.

My Queen Heals Me Spiritually

AS YOU CAN SEE I LOOKED FINE.

But, I had slowly been feeling flu like syptoms for a few weeks at this point.

I spent most mornings reflecting about life. Subliminal messages telling me to beware.

I should have not procrastinated.

Nightsweats became daysweats

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I have a strong survivalists side. I do not lay down in a battle. It is an Irish Genetic Inheritance.

There’s humour in all instances of life. I soon had to find reasons to smile.

Hospital stay 7. Combined weeks since January 4th, 2019, equal 19, so far.

The smiles are half truths. I hide many emotions. Or rather, I ‘used’ to hide them. Now, I let the truth be told.

THE PRINCESS MARGARET CANCER HOSPITAL. I AM VERY BLESSED TO BE UNDER THE WORLD CLASS CARE THAT THEY GIVE. MANY DO NOT HAVE THIS TYPE OF EXCELLENCE AND PROFESSIONALISM.

This pain is relentless. None stop for two weeks now. 24/7, has not stopped once.

It is by far the worse pain I have ever experienced. And pain and I are lifelong buddies.

This pain is a b*dstard!!!!

Many battles won. No losses. Round Two! Finish HIM!!!!

So, this is just a tidbit of the Faces I have and must endure. There are smiling ones with genuine joy. There are sad ones with devastating sorrow. There are bland boring pictures and there are silly ‘selfies‘ taken inthe middle of a night when sleep evaded.

Here are 3 pictures that tell exactly how 18 hours of my day presently go.

Picture 1 – Pain rushes in like an out-of-control freight train. All I can do is squeeze my skull as tightly as possible and strap in for the ride.

Picture 2 – Accept that it is what it is. Unstoppable, untreatable pain. Let the tears flow – they earned their journey.

Picture 3 – Recover. No time for this to be stealing moments that are best held for love and joy. Cry it out. Hold my head high and dance in my Light.

I am an Urban Viking. The last of the Canadian Cosmonauts.

Cancer is soon to be dumbfounded when I kick it’s demonic ass into the dust of Hell whence it came.

I had a double session of radical radiation therapy every morning and another double set every afternoon for 20 days. 80 treatments, 20 days.

STRAPPED DOWN – MY VERY FIRST TREATMENT

Amazing technology

GRADUATION DAY!!!

I kept my mask. A gentle, but stark reminder of this “Walk With Dann.”

March 2, 2019 4a.m.- My spleen literally exploded. I bled out. I was brought back.

The surgeon and various doctors could only say one word to describe the recovery and my being alive.

“MIRACLE”

“Valhalla does not wish for my company and Helheim has a Peace Bond on me.”

I will post a few more similar blogs such like this one.

To add a face to my “Diary of An Old Man With The C”.

Until then I shall be wruting in the two works I have in ‘progress’.

I want to leave behind my story for my future generations to understand who and why I was placed upon this beautiful blue marble.

Till then,

Adieu

A Conversation With My Last Born

My Last Born.

My Pride.

My Joy.

My new life began the day I watched him come into our world.

May 30th, 2003 was a memorable day in life – one of my personally happiest milestones.

Dakota, your soul is as pure and kind as is your heart is large. You are the iconic “Gentle Giant“.

I am privileged and PROUD to be your father.

I feel that I am not too demanding a father. I always kept you boys close to my side, but at the same time gave you room to soar.

I want you to soar higher than you can imagine. Go where Miss Destiny leads.

Take those doubtful “leaps”.

Important to not leap without looking.

I left home at an age where most my peers were playing with their ‘Hot Wheels” race sets.

I have been out here 50 of my 62 years. It has not been an easy journey.

Trust me on that.

I learned early that the key to basic survival is to have a true heart, practice compassion, speak only truths, listen with intentioned desire to help and most of all, stay HUMBLE.

There is nothing that will make me happier then if you follow and practise these few “rules” or “lessons”.

As you well know I tried all my life to treat my Family, my Loved Ones, my Friends and many more with respect, charity and compassion.

If you can incorporate these into your already soulful personality your life will always be Blessed my Son, always. ….

Hold your head high, always. Be Native and Verner Family Proud.

Be Humble. Humbleness is key to happiness.

Never look down upon anyone. They may be broken from a situation unknown to you or one that they suffer within alone. “Broken ” can be repaired.

Never, under any circumstance, disguise “Deceit” as “Love”.

NEVER. Emotions are not weapons.

Love is the greatest gift the Creator allows us.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE TRAIT YOU MUST LIVE LIFE BY, SON.

32 years with your Beautiful Mother is proof that being loyal pays.

Never stray, Son. NEVER.

Why eat cookies in shame when you have Angel Food Cake at home?

To stray is to lie about love. The worst lie of all. A lie that destroys life’s very essence.

I cannot express how strongly I feel about this.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE RULE TO BEING A GOOD FATHER, HUSBAND AND MAN.

Never give into that hormonal Darkness.

If I can look down from Valhalla and see my Last Born being the first born to become who he was meant to be and living a humble life, then I may finally smile and know that my humble life had meaning.

And that amazing Light locked within you will emerge and you will live a many faceted fantastic life.

And I shall be the proudest Father, Husband and Man ever to walk this walk.

I love you Dakota James McLean Verner.

I love you Son.
As I love your Brothers

#VernerFamilyProud
#LightHouseDannVerner

Cuatro en La Mañana Pensamientos Profundos

Mi alma gemela está fuera para una mini-excursión para limpiar su hermosa mente de su madre y yo luchando contra el cáncer en etapa 4 tardía.

Es desgarrador verla sufriendo mi dolor.

Antes de que ella incluso saliera de Toronto, tuve ese nudo retorcido de soledad que agarró mis testículos.

Sé muy bien que pronto estará en casa, pero “el corazón es un cazador solitario”.

Lo mío está en una nube solitaria de Apreciación y Amor.

PORQUE ME AMO Y APRECIO A MÁS ALLÁ DE CUALQUIER PALABRA QUE AUTOR AQUÍ.

Ella sabe el peso de mi Devoción y cada onza singular de amor verdadero que llevo por ella.

No hay duda si eso. Esperaré su regreso con el corazón bien abierto y los brazos levantados en Alabado sea Dios.

Porque el Señor Salvador me bendijo con el privilegio de amarla.

Y lo hago La amo inmensamente y 100% veraz.

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My soul mate is away for a mini-excursion to clear her beautiful mind from her Mother and I both battling late stage 4 cancer.

It is heartbreaking to see her suffering my pain.

Before she even flew out of Toronto I had that twisted knot of loneliness grab my testicles.

I know darn well that she will soon be home, but the “heart is a lonely hunter”.

Mine lays in a solitary cloud of Appreciation and Love.

FOR I DO LOVE AND APPRECIATE HER BEYOND ANY WORDS I AUTHOR HERE.

She knows the weight of my Devotion and each singular ounce of true love I carry for her.

There is no doubt if that. I will await her return with my heart wide open and my arms raised in Praise God. For the Lord Savior Blessed me with the privilege of loving her.

And I do. I love her immensely and 100% truthfulness.