Am I the sum of my fears?
If this is the truth, then I must discover what those “fears” are.
Are they my obvious fears or are they subliminal ones? The latter being the most dangerous of all. For they are the ones that took me a lifetime to supress.
My heart says I fear not many things. My instincts say that I am lying through my false teeth.
Why do we supress feelings of any sort? Is it geneticly implanted or is it just a “learned” behaviour?
My opinion is that we fear the unknown.
When confronted with our fear we automatically withdraw. Some of us will do so in order to “fall back and regroup”. These are the wise souls.
Others withdraw and bury their emotions deeply into their subconscious. Especially those with preexisting anxiety disorders. They are trapped by their inability to verbalize their behaviour. Their fear causing paralysis. Mentally and physically.
Like the false smiles we often wear to hide our pains and confusions. A mask to hide the fact that we do not know what to or how to seek relief and consolation from our mindset.
My “everyday fears” include my greatest fear – Drowning. During my youth I had a very close call with drowning when a foster father put six of us in a jetboat built for two. No life jackets. When he spun the engine to full throttle the craft dove straight down instead of the expected hydroplaning. Luckily I survived. One of the other foster children did not.
So, here we have a fear that can easily be dealt with. Simply stay away from the situations that may put me in the danger of drowning. Yet, even with this solution, I will still encounter times where getting on a boat will be a necessity.
That surpressed fright will surface so fast that anyone within eyesight will be able to say, “That dude is scared crapless.”
Which will make my second most fear come to surface. The fear of people knowing that I am not the “fearless tough guy” they all thought me to be.
I fear the fear of fearing more than anything else.
So, I ask you this, “What fear are you suppressing the most?
What sadness are you hiding behind blue eyes?
I will come back to this topic at a later date. I want to fall back and regroup my thoughts and then I will be able to expose my deepest dreams and fears. Be they nightmares or like something out of Carlos Castaneda‘s “The Art of Dreaming”.
Well, maybe more of a clip from Anthony Burgess’s “A Clockwork Orange.”
Yes, yes, yes. Definitely a Clockwork Orange is a prime example of what is live streaming within the chasms of my eccentric and ecclectic mind.
I will visit my subconscious vault and see what I can discover and what I am surpressing.Deep thoughts .
Deep thoughts take a long shovel to unearth. In my case I may need a large bore mining drill to reach the depths of my inner being.