Many have surely noticed by now that my emotions and writings are up and down more than elevator at a tourist attraction.
I apologize for that.
I am going through so much, … too much, for me to quell the demons.
I never expected that by my becoming a victim of cancer it would cost me all the things most dear to me.
My home = gone
My son = gone
My dogs = gone
My truest love = gone
My physical body = gone
My innermost soul = gone
It has to be me. Every day it’s the same subliminal accusations. So, I must be doing some sort of low life activity that I am unaware of.
It’s the only logical explanation.
In my day, it was said that if someone constantly accuses you of doing something then it was THEY who are hiding secrets.
I do not believe that either, though.
I feel like a damn broken recording, but, I will repeat this one more time :
I may be a dangerous man, a killer, a thief, a biker, a nomad. BUT ….. I never lie about how truly I love someone. Only a low life piece of crap would play with another souls emotions. It is one of the worse things you can do to anyone – playing Russian roulette with their hearts and souls.
Cancer is evil. It takes control over your family and close friend’s emotions and tries to wreak havoc every way it may.
Often it wins and destroys the patient and his/her family ties.
Many marriages fall apart due to the complexity of what comes with a cancer diagnosis.
I am tired, very tired. Mainly emotionally, but very much physically, also.
I have had so much happen in the past two years.
Fall and winter 2017/2018 – nine surgeries on my kidneys, and bladder.
Removed my gall bladder.
One third of my liver removed.
Spring 2018 – repair and replace part of the hardwear holding my right foot together.
Followed shortly thereafter by yet another heart attack.
Summer 2018 – seizures started. It was determined they are being caused by residual damaged from when they removed C2, C3, C5 and C6 vertebrae and the spinal cord and brain damage from the shattered neck.
Fall 2018 – shot in the leg by a nice black man on Dawes Road. Wrong place at the right time.
Early October diagnosed with Pharyngeal carcinoma, Stage 4 – 19 tumors in my head, neck and upper chest area.
Exactly one week to the day I received the diagnosis of the Squamous Cell carcinoma, it also is Stage 4. One very large tumor on the base of my tongue and one smaller tumor on either side 3 close to my heart and 3 additional ones in the frontal lobe area of my beautiful brain.
Both cancers too far past conventional treatments.
My two options consisted of complete removal of my tongue and most everything in my neck cavity
take part in a human trial and complete a very radical and complex series of radiation therapy.
Hence, I chose the latter.
January 2019 – while hospitalized for treatments they found an extremely large existing abscess in my lower abdominal cavity.
This abscess was existing for Lords know how long and was not related to the cancers or previous conditions.
One week after the removal of the abscess I had a drain tube malfunction that tore up more of my intestines and such. It manifested into a full blown septicemia battle. Almost died twice during the battle to survive.
February 2019 – after being home only two nights on February 2nd my spleen explodes in my sleep and I bleed out. Eventually I would go through 8 litres of my rare blood. But for the grace of God I am still here today.
Miraculously, they kept me alive and I was able to get discharged from the Micheal Garron Hospital and re-admitted to Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital.
March 1st 2019 – I successfully finished the radical radiation sessions.
Very successful in killing the both types of tumors.
Or so we had thought ……..
April 2019 – 7 Squamous Cell tumors return.
Come May 6th, 2019 I will receive a complete and more complex updated diagnosis of my situation.
Until then, I remain, Dann – just as I am.